Monday, March 14, 2016

"Hangover-Free Alcohol"

Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79. It's a shame that Antonin Scalia died before he could witness the hurricane that God caused as a result of legalized gay marriage.

Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.

Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.

Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.

Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.

A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.

Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.

Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.

Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.

An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?

Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.

North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".

Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.

Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!

By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.

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