Thursday, September 1, 2016

"Some Dude In A Tie"

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. This has proved extremely controversial, but his approval rating is still 100% among opposing defensive backs.

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. However, I expect him to stand during the national anthem from now on, mainly because you can't sit down on the job while waiting tables.

Ryan Lochte signed a sponsorship deal with a cough drop company. It makes sense since he has a sore throat from putting his foot in his mouth.

Former No. 1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown is attempting an NBA comeback. This is according to his new agency, the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Cleveland Browns named Robert Griffin III their week 1 starting quarterback. As a result, Cleveland gym memberships increased by 97% so Browns fans can be in shape when they run RGIII out of town by Week 5.

Donald Trump selected Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. In other words, a guy who based his campaign on the "I'm not just another politician" platform selected a politician as his running mate.

Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. The full details of the trade: the New York Knicks traded three players to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose and 17 doctors to be named later.

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. After they won the title, rioters in Cleveland caused $10 million in improvements.

Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. "This is really exciting and a big day," said what I am assuming is some dude in a tie.

Tony Romo said "I have 4 seasons left in me". Any football fan knows that those seasons are Summer 2016, Fall 2016, Winter 2016 and Spring 2017.

A study said Javier Bardem's character in “No Country For Old Men” is the most realistic film psychopath. A close second: anyone who paid to see Zoolander 2.

Basketball coach Bobby Knight has endorsed Donald Trump. This is mainly because of Trump's campaign promise to throw a chair at ISIS headquarters.

Jerry Springer said that Donald Trump will not be President. This upset Donald Trump voters, most of whom have been guests on the Jerry Springer show.

That's all I have for right now! The sports world has been bananas over the past few months, which probably explains my influx of sports jokes. The world around us is not any less crazy by any means, and my world has just started to get as crazy as it could possibly get. I graduated college, I've been working like crazy, I've progressed as a joke writer, and I took a giant step into manhood (yeah, that one). It's been a crazy ride, but we've only just started the car. But I can't drive that car because my driver's license was suspended until January 1st. Unless it's for work, I'm screwed.

Anyway, I'll have more monologue jokes on New Year's Eve where I'll reflect on the life changing year that has been 2016. LEGGO!!!!!!

No comments:

Post a Comment