"Touchdown Jesus"

Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.

CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.

North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.

The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.

A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.

A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.

The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.

The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".

In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.

On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.

Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.

A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".

A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.

People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.

AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.

That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!