"Unsanitary Conditions"

Joke of the Day: FIFA admits its new soccer ball may be bad. In fact, it's so bad that the only thing worse than the soccer balls are the referees.

A tropical storm named Alex is moving into the Gulf of Mexico, which may cause hundreds of people to evacuate. People haven't ran from Alex since the last time I did stand-up.

Martin Ginsburg, husband of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has died at the age of 78. His death was caused by metastatic cancer, old age, and staring at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Michael Jackson has sold an estimated 35 million albums worldwide since his death one year ago. None of which are photo albums.

BP station owners say that they’re victims of the oil spill. Mainly because they aren't down in the Gulf of Mexico helping out.

The U.S. has unveiled a plan that will make Internet transactions safer. It's called, "Shutting down Craigslist".

The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".

President Obama is so mad about what General McChrystal said about him that he has also fired Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, George Lopez...

FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND ISRAEL CARRASCO
A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child". This proves once again that even when he scores, he still loses.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!