Tuesday, March 23, 2010

"Nancy Pelosi Was Ecstatic"

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was ecstatic Sunday night as the House passed the health care reform bill. As a matter of fact, she was so ecstatic that she actually changed facial expressions.

Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.

Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.

In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.

Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.

MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.

IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".

A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.

If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.

On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.

President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.

The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.

A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.

According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.

PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.

Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.

Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.

That's it for right now! More tomorrow.

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