"A Big Lie"

The American-born spokesman for al-Qaida has been arrested by Pakistani intelligence officers in the southern city of Karachi. In court, he is expected to plead "irony".

A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.

Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.

Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".

Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.

President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.

New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.

My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.

That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!