"Closer To Stalling"

Joke of the Day: A massacre caused by a mushroom hunter in Italy has caused 18 deaths. Or, as we call that in America, "Super Mario Brothers".

Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".

Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.

More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".

The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.

A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.

Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.

John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.

Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.

Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".

A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.

A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.

That's all for now! More later!