A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.
FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.
A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.
Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.
Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".
(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!
Friday, September 30, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
"An Elk Hunter"
A grizzly bear attacked an elk hunter armed with a bow and arrows near Yellowstone Park. He went to the hospital, and while there, he was reminded by doctors that this is not the 14th century.
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.
Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.
A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.
A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.
That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!
A 50-year-old man known as the “Toe Suck Fairy”, because of his fetish for sucking women’s toes, was arrested in Arkansas. And right now, I'm sitting here thinking, "Yeah, women...".
A study says that sleepy teenagers are more likely to engage in risky behavior. (yaaaaaawn...) Scalpel.
Justin Bieber took Selena Gomez to the Staples Center where they were allowed to watch a showing of “Titanic” in an empty arena. Hopefully next time, someone will put them on the actual boat.
A lesbian actress was kicked off of a Southwest Airlines flight for kissing a girl. It wouldn't have been much of a problem, had there not been so many people cheering them on.
A study says that men who do not have children in their lifetime are more likely to die of heart disease. I guess the coroners can finish my autopsy ahead of time.
That's all I have for today. Well, tomorrow's the big day! My first standup gig at a club! I have to rehearse for it. Anyway, more coming soon!
Saturday, September 24, 2011
"Asthma Inhalers"
The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Straw Poll"
The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Thursday, September 15, 2011
"Nude Photos"
President Obama’s approval rating in California has dropped to a record low. You know something's up when drug abusers don't like a black guy.
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
The FBI is investigating the release of nude photos allegedly hacked from the cell phone of actress Scarlett Johansson. It's Scarlett Johansonn; how is this a crime?
SAT scores for the class of 2011 are the lowest on record. You're welcome.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost 100 pounds. She found it a day later.
Drug cartels in Mexico are killing people who denounce them on social media. I think the new dislike button is the trigger on a revolver.
Michael Jackson has reportedly made $310 Million since his death. I wonder how he's going to spend the money.
Scientists say that laughter makes us feel good because it emits endorphins. Of course, people who read my jokes have no idea what that feels like.
Nicolas Cage says he was the victim of an incident several years ago where a naked man wearing a leather jacket was standing over his bed eating a fudgesicle. This is what most people refer to as "a hallucination".
A study says that body odor could be a product of a person’s genes. This can only mean one thing: my dad was a hobo.
That's all I have for today! I'm staying after all. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
"Suspicious Packages"
Nearly 1 in 6 Americans lives in poverty. The other five don't invest in stocks.
Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.
New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...
A study says that night owls are more likely to have nightmares. How can you have a nightmare if you sleep during the day?
A Youtube video features a man who performs 34 “Star Wars” voice impressions. And guess what ladies, he's single!
Iran has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. I'm guessing Ahmadinejad tuned in to Jersey Shore.
Former White House party crasher Michaele Salahi was reported to be kidnapped, but it turns out she ran off with the guitarist from Journey. As to where she ran off, check all the parties she wasn't invited to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.
New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...
A study says that night owls are more likely to have nightmares. How can you have a nightmare if you sleep during the day?
A Youtube video features a man who performs 34 “Star Wars” voice impressions. And guess what ladies, he's single!
Iran has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. I'm guessing Ahmadinejad tuned in to Jersey Shore.
Former White House party crasher Michaele Salahi was reported to be kidnapped, but it turns out she ran off with the guitarist from Journey. As to where she ran off, check all the parties she wasn't invited to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, September 12, 2011
"A Young Dad"
One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, September 10, 2011
"Mistakenly Tweeted"
A Dutch woman has been charged with calling her ex-boyfriend 65,000 times in the past year. When hearing of the allegations, the man said, "Hold on. I gotta take this."
Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.
Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.
The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".
CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.
Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...
That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.
Texas has set a record for the hottest summer of any state in U.S. history. Maybe they should give those gas chambers a break.
Twitter says it now has 100 Million monthly users. And 99% of them are either celebrities, black people, or Justin Bieber fans.
The son of a millionaire in Virginia won $107 million in the Megamillions lottery. That voice you just heard is a poor person's voice saying, "You've gotta be kidding me".
CBS News mistakenly tweeted that former Apple CEO Steve Jobs had died. They retracted the tweet a minute later, only to release the second version of the tweet.
Actor Cliff Robertson, who played John F. Kennedy in the movie "PT-109", has died at the age of 88. I knew I shouldn't have bought him that convertible...
That's all I have for today! Let's all remember the innocent victims of 9/11. I'm glad Obama took out bin Laden before the anniversary.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
"Schweddy Balls"
The CDC reports that fewer Americans are smoking cigarettes. Have they been to my family reunion?
People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.
Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader included having to take a football IQ test. If it's an IQ test, any cheerleader is screwed.
Ben and Jerry's has introduced their new ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls", based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Schweddy Balls, or as Coldstone calls it, vanilla.
Yahoo fired its CEO, Carol Bartz. You don't know who Carol Bartz is? Good, me neither.
The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers, this concert would have importance.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
People are criticizing the new football uniforms worn by players from the University of Maryland. Maryland says it's based off of their state flag. I say it's based off of a Jackson Pollock painting gone horribly wrong.
Doug Flutie's daughter Alexa says being a New England Patriots cheerleader included having to take a football IQ test. If it's an IQ test, any cheerleader is screwed.
Ben and Jerry's has introduced their new ice cream flavor "Schweddy Balls", based on a sketch from Saturday Night Live. Schweddy Balls, or as Coldstone calls it, vanilla.
Yahoo fired its CEO, Carol Bartz. You don't know who Carol Bartz is? Good, me neither.
The NFL season is going to get started with a concert by Kid Rock at Lambeau Field in Green Bay. If Brett Favre still played for the Packers, this concert would have importance.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
"Joined Foursquare"
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie turns 49 on Tuesday. Don't expect the cake to last very long.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" says her weight loss secret is drinking vodka. Wait, what weight loss?
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Literally.
An Australian airline offered discounts to passengers after a man died on an 11-hour flight. I'm not very keen on their new slogan: "We hope you like ghosts".
Honda has recalled 962,000 cars due to defects with power windows, saying there is a possibility of melting them and catching fire. Also, members of the Tea Party were given a free Honda.
President Obama has joined Foursquare. If you don't know what Foursquare is, good. Neither do I.
There is a famine in Somalia. Maybe those Somalian pirates could go fishing sometime soon.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I'm not posting very often. I'm either busy on Facebook (yeah, busy), or posting to my Twitter account (@GroperCleveland - follow me). I'll try to get better. Anyway, more coming soon!
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" says her weight loss secret is drinking vodka. Wait, what weight loss?
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that in the first hours after 9/11 "we were living in the fog of war". Literally.
An Australian airline offered discounts to passengers after a man died on an 11-hour flight. I'm not very keen on their new slogan: "We hope you like ghosts".
Honda has recalled 962,000 cars due to defects with power windows, saying there is a possibility of melting them and catching fire. Also, members of the Tea Party were given a free Honda.
President Obama has joined Foursquare. If you don't know what Foursquare is, good. Neither do I.
There is a famine in Somalia. Maybe those Somalian pirates could go fishing sometime soon.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I'm not posting very often. I'm either busy on Facebook (yeah, busy), or posting to my Twitter account (@GroperCleveland - follow me). I'll try to get better. Anyway, more coming soon!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
"Sexual Prime"
An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. Oh, he's going to make a lot of friends in prison.
George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".
A human foot washed ashore on a beach in Vancouver, B.C., the eleventh one since 2007. It looks like Rex Ryan is going to have a very merry Christmas this year.
44-year old singer Sinead O'Connor says she is "in her sexual prime". I believe she spelled "past" wrong.
Oscar de la Hoya revealed that he used to be a crossdresser. Forget boxing. He should be the ring girl.
Katt Williams apologized for a racist rant against a Mexican heckler. That's right, she should be sorry.
That's all I have for today! Gotta go participate in a Demi Lovato twitter meme. She cuts herself! I would too if I were Demi Lovato. Well anyway, more tomorrow!
George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".
A human foot washed ashore on a beach in Vancouver, B.C., the eleventh one since 2007. It looks like Rex Ryan is going to have a very merry Christmas this year.
44-year old singer Sinead O'Connor says she is "in her sexual prime". I believe she spelled "past" wrong.
Oscar de la Hoya revealed that he used to be a crossdresser. Forget boxing. He should be the ring girl.
Katt Williams apologized for a racist rant against a Mexican heckler. That's right, she should be sorry.
That's all I have for today! Gotta go participate in a Demi Lovato twitter meme. She cuts herself! I would too if I were Demi Lovato. Well anyway, more tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
"Enthusiasm Week"
Thursday, Sept. 1, is the start of International Enthusiasm Week. So what?
Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.
In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’t think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U.S. President Bush's reputation, maybe...
14 of the 33 trapped Chilean miners were given early retirement. Didn't they technically already have a 69-day retirement?
A physicist says he has devised a plan to cut boarding time on planes by half. It's called "being white".
An Arizona ski resort is planning to make snow from recycled sewage plant water. And you thought your frontyard had a lot of yellow snow.
A new tropical storm is arising, and it is named "Katia". Katia, as in, "We are running out of ideas".
Michael Vick signed a massive eight year contract worth $100 million. Remember the last time Michael Vick had a lot of money?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.
Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.
In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’t think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U.S. President Bush's reputation, maybe...
14 of the 33 trapped Chilean miners were given early retirement. Didn't they technically already have a 69-day retirement?
A physicist says he has devised a plan to cut boarding time on planes by half. It's called "being white".
An Arizona ski resort is planning to make snow from recycled sewage plant water. And you thought your frontyard had a lot of yellow snow.
A new tropical storm is arising, and it is named "Katia". Katia, as in, "We are running out of ideas".
Michael Vick signed a massive eight year contract worth $100 million. Remember the last time Michael Vick had a lot of money?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
"Bad Mothering"
Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.
Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.
Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.
Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".
Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.
A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?
Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.
That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.
Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.
Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".
Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.
A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?
Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.
That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, August 29, 2011
"Reportedly Pregnant"
Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Snakes In His Pants"
Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"Resigned As CEO"
Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, August 22, 2011
"Alligator Fat"
A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.
Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.
A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?
Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.
A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.
A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".
Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?
A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.
A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, August 19, 2011
"The Most Debt"
An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
"The Most Hated Person"
9 Million people watched the season premiere of "Jersey Shore". My sympathies go out to them.
Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.
Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says something about our border patrol, doesn't it?
A study says that genes play a big role in a person’s intelligence. This means that Bush Sr. was pretty stupid.
An Arizona man accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend’s small pink handgun. Let's see the cast of Jackass do that.
When playing basketball in England, Ron Artest will have World Peace on his jersey; it’s his new last name. You're asking for peace there? In England, you're more likely to find a dentist.
Sarah Palin's tour bus is in Iowa. As in, "Thanks to President Obama, Iowa lotta money to China".
Lopez Tonight is getting cancelled. What a shocker. Another Mexican out of work.
A poll says that the most hated person in America is Casey Anthony. I placed in between Michele Bachmann and the Sham-Wow guy.
Al Gore went on a rant about global warming skeptics. You could say he turned into a "hothead".
Sorry I couldn't post in a few days. Lightning struck my house and I was without internet since Monday. Don't worry, everybody's ok. Anyway, more coming soon!
Five missing phone book distributors were found alive after disappearing in Mexico. This shows how far back Mexico is in the times; when they still use phone books.
Mexican military troops were allowed back into Mexico after they accidentally crossed the border into the US. That really says something about our border patrol, doesn't it?
A study says that genes play a big role in a person’s intelligence. This means that Bush Sr. was pretty stupid.
An Arizona man accidentally shot himself in the penis with his girlfriend’s small pink handgun. Let's see the cast of Jackass do that.
When playing basketball in England, Ron Artest will have World Peace on his jersey; it’s his new last name. You're asking for peace there? In England, you're more likely to find a dentist.
Sarah Palin's tour bus is in Iowa. As in, "Thanks to President Obama, Iowa lotta money to China".
Lopez Tonight is getting cancelled. What a shocker. Another Mexican out of work.
A poll says that the most hated person in America is Casey Anthony. I placed in between Michele Bachmann and the Sham-Wow guy.
Al Gore went on a rant about global warming skeptics. You could say he turned into a "hothead".
Sorry I couldn't post in a few days. Lightning struck my house and I was without internet since Monday. Don't worry, everybody's ok. Anyway, more coming soon!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
"Descended From King Tut"
A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.
Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.
A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.
A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.
Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.
The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.
A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.
A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.
A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.
A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.
A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.
A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.
Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.
The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.
A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.
A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.
A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.
A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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