Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Caught On Live TV"
Actor Richard Dean Anderson, TV’s MacGyver, celebrated his 61st birthday on Sunday. For his birthday, he received a paper clip, a rubber band, and a thumbtack.
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Junior Lollipops"
Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James is engaged to marry “LA Ink” tattoo star Kat Von D. I wonder what would incline a man like Jesse James to marry a person known for tattoos.
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"Fatty Acids"
The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"The Kama Sutra"
Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"Filed The Paperwork"
Actors January Jones and Jason Sudeikis split up. Jason reportedly has a thing for Jones' sister, February.
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 17, 2011
"Trying To Lure"
The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A State Of Confusion"
CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Friday, January 14, 2011
"Money For Nothing"
Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Genetic Screening"
Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"Sneezed The Bullet"
California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"Just As Enjoyable"
On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 10, 2011
"Not An Issue"
Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
"A Garbage Can"
John Boehner was elected the new Speaker of the House, replacing Nancy Pelosi. You know, these two are very different. One is an old man who is known for doing a good job at giving Obama a bad reputation. The other one is John Boehner.
“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she often drinks until she blacks out and about once a month wakes up in a garbage can. That happens to be the one day a month that Jersey Shore is taping.
Starbucks updated its logo. It's a cup of overpriced coffee.
Pennsylvania State Police will stop issuing disorderly conduct citations to people who use profanity. This is great news for Philadelphia Phillies fans.
A Bluefin tuna weighing 754 pounds sold in Tokyo for nearly $396,000. Try putting THAT in a can.
Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden voice, has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. As their starting guard.
28 children in China have been hospitalized for lead poisoning. They should be back to work at the factories in no time.
In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Isabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. I don't know which is more gross: Sex with Hugh Hefner, or a dead fish.
That's all for right now! More later!
“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she often drinks until she blacks out and about once a month wakes up in a garbage can. That happens to be the one day a month that Jersey Shore is taping.
Starbucks updated its logo. It's a cup of overpriced coffee.
Pennsylvania State Police will stop issuing disorderly conduct citations to people who use profanity. This is great news for Philadelphia Phillies fans.
A Bluefin tuna weighing 754 pounds sold in Tokyo for nearly $396,000. Try putting THAT in a can.
Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden voice, has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. As their starting guard.
28 children in China have been hospitalized for lead poisoning. They should be back to work at the factories in no time.
In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Isabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. I don't know which is more gross: Sex with Hugh Hefner, or a dead fish.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
"Full Trash Bags"
About 1,300 parishioners of a Catholic Church in New York may have been exposed to hepatitis A through communion on Christmas day. I'm not sure a good Christmas gift is "the gift that keeps on giving".
In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".
Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.
A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?
A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.
A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.
The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.
This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.
Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.
A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?
Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".
A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".
That's all for right now! More to come later!
In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".
Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.
A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?
A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.
A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.
The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.
This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.
Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.
A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?
Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".
A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".
That's all for right now! More to come later!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 3, 2011
"A Muslim Version"
CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
"Banished Words"
It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
Friday, December 31, 2010
"They Will Kiss At Midnight"
Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.
Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.
Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.
Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.
Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.
China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?
A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?
CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.
The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.
BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.
Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.
Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?
Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.
Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.
Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.
That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!
Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.
Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.
Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.
Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.
China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?
A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?
CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.
The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.
BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.
Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.
Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?
Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.
Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.
Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.
That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!
Thursday, December 30, 2010
"A Second Chance"
President Obama and his family went snorkeling in Hawaii while on vacation. Because if President Obama is used to anything, it's being under water.
Police were called to an Ohio McDonald’s after an employee threatened to hit a customer with a mop. You know what Justin Bieber would call this? A headbutt.
President Obama praised the NFL for giving Michael Vick a “second chance”. Following the comment, Obama called Vick and asked, "So, what's it like to get another chance?".
Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick “should have been executed” for killing dogs. Apparently Carlson is a Giants fan.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Police were called to an Ohio McDonald’s after an employee threatened to hit a customer with a mop. You know what Justin Bieber would call this? A headbutt.
President Obama praised the NFL for giving Michael Vick a “second chance”. Following the comment, Obama called Vick and asked, "So, what's it like to get another chance?".
Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick “should have been executed” for killing dogs. Apparently Carlson is a Giants fan.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
"Back To Normal"
Now that the blizzard in the northeast has passed, traffic is back to normal. Because everybody looks forward to traffic that the northeast calls normal.
While the state of New Jersey was in the midst of a declared emergency, Governor Chris Christie was at Disney World. Why is he at Disney World? Because after all, being the governor of New Jersey, he has nothing to celebrate.
There's a new iPhone app called NoseDial, allowing you to dial your phone with your nose. It's perfect for the person with absolutely nothing better to do.
A new study says that people who socialize more have bigger brains than those who don’t. Especially when it comes to women.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell says we have become a “nation of wussies” after the Philadelphia-Minnesota NFL game was postponed due to snow. Unfortunately, the speech was cut short when Rendell broke a nail.
A poll says President Obama is the most admired man in the country. This poll was not given to any Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
While the state of New Jersey was in the midst of a declared emergency, Governor Chris Christie was at Disney World. Why is he at Disney World? Because after all, being the governor of New Jersey, he has nothing to celebrate.
There's a new iPhone app called NoseDial, allowing you to dial your phone with your nose. It's perfect for the person with absolutely nothing better to do.
A new study says that people who socialize more have bigger brains than those who don’t. Especially when it comes to women.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell says we have become a “nation of wussies” after the Philadelphia-Minnesota NFL game was postponed due to snow. Unfortunately, the speech was cut short when Rendell broke a nail.
A poll says President Obama is the most admired man in the country. This poll was not given to any Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
Sunday, December 26, 2010
"A High Rate"
A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.
The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.
Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.
Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!
Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".
A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.
For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.
After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.
That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!
The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.
Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.
Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!
Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".
A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.
For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.
After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.
That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!
Friday, December 24, 2010
"Shorter Life Spans"
Today is Christmas Eve. If you are going to do some last minute shopping, I heard about a great deal. For $1,000, an Ohio State player will give you some great memorabilia.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.
A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.
A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.
The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".
An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.
A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.
A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.
The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".
An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
"A Foot Fetish"
President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
"A Flash Mob"
During the full lunar eclipse, the moon turned a pale orange color. It was so pale orange that it joined the cast of Jersey Shore.
A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.
Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.
A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.
Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.
Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.
A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.
Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.
Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".
Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.
Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.
A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.
Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.
Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.
A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.
Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.
Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".
Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
"Secession Ball"
South Carolina is holding its annual “Secession Ball”. Unfortunately, half of the ball-goers left early and started their own ball.
Merriam-Webster named “austerity” word of the year for 2010. "Austerity" is a strict economy. That's like "freedom" being the word of the year for North Korea.
A dog in Germany gave birth to 17 puppies. By force of habit, Angelina Jolie adopted 12 of them.
Indianapolis Colts receiver Austin Collie has suffered head injuries in three games this season. The last time I heard "Collie" and "head injuries" in the same sentence, Michael Vick was in court.
Jermaine Jackson says he was robbed of $192,000 in jewelry, furs and clothes. You know what Flavor Flav calls this? His daily outfit.
The Washington Post says the government has created a vast domestic spy network that collects information on Americans. Isn't that called "WikiLeaks"?
Actress Marilu Henner is one of only six people in the world who have a condition called superior autobiographical memory, where she can remember every day of her life. Or, as a man would call it, "A worst nightmare".
Blockbuster is planning on closing 182 stores by April. This is expected to come as a shock to Blockbuster's four loyal customers.
Police in New York stopped a driver for running a red light and discovered more than 500 pounds of marijuana inside his minivan. This story is being called, "A day in the life of a cab driver".
The U.S. teen birth rate hit an all-time low in 2009. This is due to the fact that teens would just prefer to watch 16 and Pregnant.
Last night was the premeire of "Million Dollar Money Drop", where contestants are given $1,000,000 and watch it slowly disappear. Or, as Charles Barkley calls it, "Tuesday".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has sold his memoirs to two publishing houses. The title of his memoirs: FML.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Merriam-Webster named “austerity” word of the year for 2010. "Austerity" is a strict economy. That's like "freedom" being the word of the year for North Korea.
A dog in Germany gave birth to 17 puppies. By force of habit, Angelina Jolie adopted 12 of them.
Indianapolis Colts receiver Austin Collie has suffered head injuries in three games this season. The last time I heard "Collie" and "head injuries" in the same sentence, Michael Vick was in court.
Jermaine Jackson says he was robbed of $192,000 in jewelry, furs and clothes. You know what Flavor Flav calls this? His daily outfit.
The Washington Post says the government has created a vast domestic spy network that collects information on Americans. Isn't that called "WikiLeaks"?
Actress Marilu Henner is one of only six people in the world who have a condition called superior autobiographical memory, where she can remember every day of her life. Or, as a man would call it, "A worst nightmare".
Blockbuster is planning on closing 182 stores by April. This is expected to come as a shock to Blockbuster's four loyal customers.
Police in New York stopped a driver for running a red light and discovered more than 500 pounds of marijuana inside his minivan. This story is being called, "A day in the life of a cab driver".
The U.S. teen birth rate hit an all-time low in 2009. This is due to the fact that teens would just prefer to watch 16 and Pregnant.
Last night was the premeire of "Million Dollar Money Drop", where contestants are given $1,000,000 and watch it slowly disappear. Or, as Charles Barkley calls it, "Tuesday".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has sold his memoirs to two publishing houses. The title of his memoirs: FML.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 20, 2010
"Hard As Concrete"
Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.
A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.
Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.
Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.
Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".
An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.
A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".
A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.
WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.
Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.
Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.
Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?
FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.
That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Saturday, December 18, 2010
"A London Jail"
Members of the US Senate will be working in Washington through the holidays. It marks the first time that US Senators will actually be working.
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Emirates Palace Hotel in Abu Dhabi has an $11 million Christmas tree in the lobby. Even nature worshippers are saying, "Come on. Trees aren't that valuable.".
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange was released from a London jail on bail of $312,000. I found out about it two days before he was released. Don't ask me how...
President Obama says the U.S. is on track in Afghanistan and Pakistan. Yes, because nothing says "making progress" like taking two years to pull out.
A study says the people say that stress causes them to overeat. This is true because my life is extremely stressful.
A brain damaged woman has a condition that leaves her with no sense of fear. So a woman messed up in the head isn't afraid to do anything. Isn't her name "Snooki"?
A Florida woman was arrested after lighting the crotch of her boyfriend on fire. I'm not sure that's what the man meant by "Nuts roasting over an open fire".
Facebook ad sales could reach $2 Billion for the year. To put that in perspective, that's approximately $20 dollars per Facebook user that abandoned MySpace.
A study says that children with ADHD symptoms have a higher risk of obesity. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.
A judge has ordered the arrest of boxer Floyd Mayweather for reportedly poking a security guard in the face several times. Um, Mr. Mayweather, poking is only allowed on Facebook.
Brett Favre says he is unsure if he will ever play again. That's Brett Favre talk for "I'm coming back next year".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
"Offensive To Muslims"
Two of Kate Gosselin’s children have been expelled from their school. That's what happens when Jon Gosselin is your role model.
Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again someday. That's like me saying I would like to eat another piece of pizza.
A fight broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding ceremony. That's like a wet t-shirt contest at Paris Hilton's wedding ceremony.
Researchers discovered that flu germs are passed easily in high schools. Also passed at high schools: STDs.
An Austrian judge ruled that yodeling can be offensive to Muslims. Muslims first need to know that them playing Jenga is offensive to Americans.
Washington, D.C. is the most educated region in the nation, according to the Census Bureau. Try saying that during Bush's presidency.
A 71 year old Kansas woman beat down an intruder with a frying pan. Police are still trying to determine what's more hilarious: getting beat up by an old woman or a frying pan.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Michael Vick says he would like to own a dog again someday. That's like me saying I would like to eat another piece of pizza.
A fight broke out at Hulk Hogan’s wedding ceremony. That's like a wet t-shirt contest at Paris Hilton's wedding ceremony.
Researchers discovered that flu germs are passed easily in high schools. Also passed at high schools: STDs.
An Austrian judge ruled that yodeling can be offensive to Muslims. Muslims first need to know that them playing Jenga is offensive to Americans.
Washington, D.C. is the most educated region in the nation, according to the Census Bureau. Try saying that during Bush's presidency.
A 71 year old Kansas woman beat down an intruder with a frying pan. Police are still trying to determine what's more hilarious: getting beat up by an old woman or a frying pan.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
"A Black Eye"
Actor Hugh Jackman got a black eye while doing a stunt on the Oprah Show taping in Australia. In fact, Oprah was feeling generous that day, so she gave everyone in the audience a black eye.
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Media mogul Ted Turner says he’s “almost to the edge of poverty”. Gosh, give one red-haired crazy guy a show on your network and this happens.
The wife of Cliff Lee, who just signed a big contract with the Phillies, said she was insulted by rude Yankees fans while in New York. If she didn't know Yankees fans were rude, she must be from another planet.
The game show “Jeopardy” will pit two human contestants against an IBM computer. You know how to beat that computer? Forget to program the words "what is" into the computer.
Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg has been named Time Magazine's Person of the Year. To which Zuckerberg said, "Umm... Like!".
Elin Nordegren reportedly has a new boyfriend. Fortunately for the new boyfriend, he doesn't golf.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Terrell Owens is blaming the coaches for their 2-11 start. Here's my question: are the coaches the ones on the field?
The Minnesota Vikings are hoping that Brett Favre can return this season. So are all of his opponents.
Chicago Cubs legend Ron Santo has died at the age of 70. "Chicago Cubs legend" is one of those ironies, like "Charlie Sheen's sobriety".
Larry King is in his final week of his show at CNN. That's what his viewers have been thinking for years.
There's a new iPhone app that helps report “suspicious behavior”. It's called "Your Internet History".
French authorities have seized 354 fake Faberge eggs. They knew the eggs were fake when they didn't have any salmonella.
A global study says that money doesn't buy happiness. Try telling that to the people on MTV Cribs.
Less education and income is linked with obesity in women and not men. Also linked with less educaation and income: an appearance on COPS.
A study says that wearing ugly underwear can ruin a woman's day. Especially when they meet men.
A study says that lack of sleep can hurt a person's looks. You know what that means? I haven't had a wink of sleep in months.
That's all for right now! More later!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
"Anderson"
Rosie O’Donnell said that she believes Oprah Winfrey is not gay. And believe me, if there is anybody who prevents women from being gay, it's Rosie O'Donnell.
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Anderson Cooper’s new daytime talk show is going to be called "Anderson". What are they going to do when Dick Van Dyke gets his own talk show?
Brett Favre did not start Monday night, so his consecutive game streak stops at 297. And we all know what happens when Brett Favre gets free time.
FIFA president Sepp Blatter said homosexual soccer fans should refrain from sexual activities during the 2022 World Cup Games in Qatar. Here's my question: why are homosexuals in the Middle East in the first place?
LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling was seen heckling one of his own players. You know you suck when even your head coach starts heckling his own team.
A New York Jets trainer was fined and suspended after tripping Miami Dolphins CB Nolan Carroll. He got in major trouble for tripping, to which Miley Cyrus said, "Join the club".
30,000 free tickets were given out for the game in Detroit between the Vikings and the Giants. How bad are you when you pay to see Detroit, but you get Vikings-Giants tickets free?
NBC will launch a show to rival “American Idol”. Considering what's happening with American Idol, it won't be very hard to be more successful.
A study says that broccoli may not cut the risk of lung cancer. What does cut the risk of lung cancer: not smoking.
The new Michael Jackson album reportedly required digital enhancement of his voice. Exactly like half the singers on the charts today.
A study says that 96% of Americans think their children are well behaved. Try telling that to somebody on an airplane with a crying two-year-old.
The site of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster will open to the public next year as a tourist destination. What could possibly go wrong?
A 72 year old woman who gave birth at age 66 says she wants a second child. Good luck finding someone to sleep with you.
The NFL has reported 154 concussions so far in 2010. In fact, Brett Favre has suffered so many concussions, he still thinks he has talent.
That's all for right now! More later!
Monday, December 13, 2010
"The Bush Tax Cuts"
President Obama met last week with former President Bill Clinton. This was a meeting of the two people in America that can't pull out to save their lives.
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
"Residency Status"
A Burger King customer in Detroit was killed after being punched by a counter worker. This is an odd twist. Usually, the food gives you a heart attack and then you die.
A cable released by WikiLeaks says that Cuba will be insolvent within two to three years. Who does Cuba think they are? The United States?
Rahm Emanuel is facing a residency status hearing for his run for Mayor of Chicago. God, is anybody in the Obama Administration from here?
A study says that men who cycle five hours a week or more may have less healthy sperm. I have a gut feeling this is due to the bicycle seat.
Bernie Madoff's son has committed suicide. He killed himself when he realized his dad was Bernie Madoff.
That's all for today! Definitely more soon!
A cable released by WikiLeaks says that Cuba will be insolvent within two to three years. Who does Cuba think they are? The United States?
Rahm Emanuel is facing a residency status hearing for his run for Mayor of Chicago. God, is anybody in the Obama Administration from here?
A study says that men who cycle five hours a week or more may have less healthy sperm. I have a gut feeling this is due to the bicycle seat.
Bernie Madoff's son has committed suicide. He killed himself when he realized his dad was Bernie Madoff.
That's all for today! Definitely more soon!
Friday, December 10, 2010
"A Paper Copy"
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
"Gay HIV Transmission"
KFC plans to double its presence in Africa, expanding up to 1200 locations. Meanwhile, in America, KFC has doubled the presence of most Americans.
Former “Baywatch” star and Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico claims a male TSA agent singled her out for a full body scan at LAX. I wonder what would give that man the idea to do that.
Scientists in Kenya found a rare and very odd-looking fly, called the “terrible hairy fly”. Doesn't that sound like what a five-year old would call it?
A German man is under arrest after police found a 6-foot-tall marijuana plant disguised as a Christmas tree. One thing's for sure: those cookies weren't making it to Santa.
Iowa’s Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was suspended from the team due to charges he maintained a drug house. Isn't that called a college dorm room?
Texas defensive end Sam Acho won the award for college’s top scholar athlete. He absolutely deserves to win. At one point, his GPA was above 2.0.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan buried the game ball after an embarrassing loss to the Patriots. After a game like that, who in their right mind would give the game ball to the Jets?
Singer Aretha Franklin reportedly has cancer. Did she not read the health warning on her hats?
Cats reportedly help kids avoid skin disease. Unless they are allergic.
A new study says that circumcision may not cure gay HIV transmission. Thanks for the tip!
A poll says that nearly half of Americans think China has the world’s strongest economy. The other half don't shop at Walmart.
A report says that one in four people released from Guantanamo Bay prison return to terrorist activities. I'm glad these people are learning their lesson.
A poll says that tax cuts for the wealthy are only supported by one third of voters. These voters are called "the wealthy".
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” will be inside the ball that will be dropped at Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Hopefully they leave her in there forever.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Former “Baywatch” star and Playboy Playmate Donna D’Errico claims a male TSA agent singled her out for a full body scan at LAX. I wonder what would give that man the idea to do that.
Scientists in Kenya found a rare and very odd-looking fly, called the “terrible hairy fly”. Doesn't that sound like what a five-year old would call it?
A German man is under arrest after police found a 6-foot-tall marijuana plant disguised as a Christmas tree. One thing's for sure: those cookies weren't making it to Santa.
Iowa’s Derrell Johnson-Koulianos was suspended from the team due to charges he maintained a drug house. Isn't that called a college dorm room?
Texas defensive end Sam Acho won the award for college’s top scholar athlete. He absolutely deserves to win. At one point, his GPA was above 2.0.
New York Jets coach Rex Ryan buried the game ball after an embarrassing loss to the Patriots. After a game like that, who in their right mind would give the game ball to the Jets?
Singer Aretha Franklin reportedly has cancer. Did she not read the health warning on her hats?
Cats reportedly help kids avoid skin disease. Unless they are allergic.
A new study says that circumcision may not cure gay HIV transmission. Thanks for the tip!
A poll says that nearly half of Americans think China has the world’s strongest economy. The other half don't shop at Walmart.
A report says that one in four people released from Guantanamo Bay prison return to terrorist activities. I'm glad these people are learning their lesson.
A poll says that tax cuts for the wealthy are only supported by one third of voters. These voters are called "the wealthy".
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” will be inside the ball that will be dropped at Times Square on New Year’s Eve. Hopefully they leave her in there forever.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
"Giving Shoes"
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is in a British jail. You know Americans can't control things when the most hated man in America is arrested by the British.
The New York Yankees’ Derek Jeter is angry at the way his $51 million contract deal came down. As a matter of fact, Jeter was so angry that he tried to throw a baseball at GM Brian Cashman. Of course, it sailed five feet over his head.
Sylvester Stallone had been elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. It's marks the first time in history that an English speaking man has ever needed a translator.
U.S. teens are ranked 25th globally in math. Even worse, there were only 24 ranks.
The U.S. will host the World Press Freedom Day in 2011. News reporters have been banned from the event.
A study says that coffee and donuts can give the brain a boost. In that case, why is America's educational system so bad?
Barefoot singer Michael Franti is performing concerts with the goal of giving shoes to the needy around the world. That's like the singer for Barenaked Ladies holding a clothes drive.
That's all I have for today! Sorry, I am really tired. More tomorrow
The New York Yankees’ Derek Jeter is angry at the way his $51 million contract deal came down. As a matter of fact, Jeter was so angry that he tried to throw a baseball at GM Brian Cashman. Of course, it sailed five feet over his head.
Sylvester Stallone had been elected to the International Boxing Hall of Fame. It's marks the first time in history that an English speaking man has ever needed a translator.
U.S. teens are ranked 25th globally in math. Even worse, there were only 24 ranks.
The U.S. will host the World Press Freedom Day in 2011. News reporters have been banned from the event.
A study says that coffee and donuts can give the brain a boost. In that case, why is America's educational system so bad?
Barefoot singer Michael Franti is performing concerts with the goal of giving shoes to the needy around the world. That's like the singer for Barenaked Ladies holding a clothes drive.
That's all I have for today! Sorry, I am really tired. More tomorrow
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
"Paid Less"
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.
Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.
The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".
The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.
A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?
A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.
A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.
AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.
An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.
President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?
A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.
A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.
The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".
The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.
A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?
A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.
A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.
AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.
An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.
President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?
A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.
A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 6, 2010
"The First Pardons"
President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency. Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu. He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
"False Memories"
CNN reporter Drew Griffin was put on a TSA watch list after a report that was critical of the agency. In that case, shouldn't everybody in America be put on their watch list?
Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress. Why does he need a cell phone? I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.
Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job. I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.
A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library. There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.
BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high. Try telling that to all the dead fish!
A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number. Oh, come on, who would want to be me?
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011. And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...
A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife. I'm proud of him. Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.
Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling. With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?
A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September. Who knew Waffle House was hiring?
A study says that brain damage can create false memories. You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress. Why does he need a cell phone? I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.
Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job. I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.
A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library. There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.
BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high. Try telling that to all the dead fish!
A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number. Oh, come on, who would want to be me?
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011. And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...
A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife. I'm proud of him. Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.
Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling. With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?
A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September. Who knew Waffle House was hiring?
A study says that brain damage can create false memories. You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Amish Romance Novels"
Qatar has beaten the U.S., Australia, Japan and South Korea to host the 2022 World Cup. That's like having The Situation audition for a Bowflex ad and they end up choosing me.
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Using An Electric Eel"
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday. To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.
A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky. And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.
The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents. For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)
MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery. You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.
An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree. This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?
The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU. That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.
A report says that good looking couples have more daughters. In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.
A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder. That's peculiar for him. He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?
72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years. I am already getting visuals that I don't want.
Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark. "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".
Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients. What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?
The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie. The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"Writing A Memoir"
Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball. Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.
A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice. In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".
Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party. It's a good idea. The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.
Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria. It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.
No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin. So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did. Kind of like Obama's presidency.
More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year. What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?
Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains. Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.
An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year. Kind of like the economy.
A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas. Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.
The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S. Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.
Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”. "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.
A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview. Unless you work in porn.
Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”. This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.
Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price. Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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