A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
"His Rapture Prediction"
In the California prison system, there are reports of 54 people sharing a single toilet. At the same time.
Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.
60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged doping among his fellow cyclists. God, talk about encouraging a stereotype.
A Canadian couple is keeping their baby’s gender a secret. I haven't heard about a Canadian baby with an unknown gender since Justin Bieber.
A study says that the way people make their vowel sounds can reveal their sexual orientation. I thought it was the way they pronounced their S's.
Health experts say that vuvuzelas may spread diseases. Like contagious ear ringing.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Radio evangelist Harold Camping says he was off by five months with his Rapture prediction; now, it will happen on October 21. In fact, his predictions are so bad, he has already scheduled a radio interview for October 22.
60 Minutes reported that cyclist Lance Armstrong encouraged doping among his fellow cyclists. God, talk about encouraging a stereotype.
A Canadian couple is keeping their baby’s gender a secret. I haven't heard about a Canadian baby with an unknown gender since Justin Bieber.
A study says that the way people make their vowel sounds can reveal their sexual orientation. I thought it was the way they pronounced their S's.
Health experts say that vuvuzelas may spread diseases. Like contagious ear ringing.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Allergic To Electricity"
Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
"Mentally Incapable"
Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.
A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.
A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.
Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.
Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.
A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.
A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.
Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 16, 2011
"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"
Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.
Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.
NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).
Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.
The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.
Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.
A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?
Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.
NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).
Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.
The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.
Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.
A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?
Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"50 Pound Breast Implants"
A study says the memories of musicians are better than other people’s. Unless, of course, you are Christina Aguilera during the Super Bowl.
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?
Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.
Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.
STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A U.S. dancer has revealed her 50 pound breast implants. Man, her back must be in serious pain right now.
In El Paso Tuesday, President Obama said the border with Mexico is more secure than ever. Isn't it kind of ironic that he said this in a city named El Paso?
Justin Bieber puked during his concert in the Philippines. This may be a cause of him listening to his own music.
Lindsay Lohan posed as a vampire for a photographic exhibit. The weird part: she didn't even need a costume.
STD rates have increased in Alaska. Looks like Levi Johnston has returned.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've had a shitload of HW. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
"Viagra Condom"
President Obama said the SEAL’s raid of the bin Laden compound was “the longest 40 minutes of my life.” And he hasn't even been to my standup shows.
A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.
Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay free at her next visit.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. doesn’t see China’s economic growth as a threat. She clearly hasn't been to a Walmart recently.
A study says that 4 in 10 women over the age of 85 are showing signs of early dementia. The other 6 already have full blown dementia.
Apple is now the world’s most valuable company, worth an estimated $153 Billion. What do you expect from a company whose CEO's last name is "Jobs"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A British biotech firm has created the “Viagra condom”. If you're taking Viagra, you probably won't need a condom to begin with.
Singer Whitney Houston has entered an outpatient rehab program. If she stays three more times, she gets to stay free at her next visit.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says the U.S. doesn’t see China’s economic growth as a threat. She clearly hasn't been to a Walmart recently.
A study says that 4 in 10 women over the age of 85 are showing signs of early dementia. The other 6 already have full blown dementia.
Apple is now the world’s most valuable company, worth an estimated $153 Billion. What do you expect from a company whose CEO's last name is "Jobs"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 9, 2011
"Water And Trail Mix"
South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.
Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.
Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".
Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.
A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.
Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.
Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".
Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.
A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Monologue Jokes Special: Self-Deprecation
A new study indicates obese people have less satisfying sex lives. And I fall under the category of "really obese people have no sex lives".
Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in Las Vegas, Wednesday. Aww, marriage. Something I will never experience.
Prince Charles has criticized government farm subsidies, saying the money could be spent more wisely. It could be used to give me a makeover.
President Obama says there will be no death pictures of Osama Bin Laden, saying they are "too gruesome". Too gruesome? Has he seen my pictures on Facebook?
KISS’ Paul Stanley is urging teens to turn down their music to protect their ears. He is also urging everybody to cover their ears when I start telling my crappy jokes.
President Obama visited Ground Zero after Osama bin Laden's death. And conveniently enough, "Ground Zero" is where my "Skills with women" rating is.
Fortunately, that's all I have for today!
Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in Las Vegas, Wednesday. Aww, marriage. Something I will never experience.
Prince Charles has criticized government farm subsidies, saying the money could be spent more wisely. It could be used to give me a makeover.
President Obama says there will be no death pictures of Osama Bin Laden, saying they are "too gruesome". Too gruesome? Has he seen my pictures on Facebook?
KISS’ Paul Stanley is urging teens to turn down their music to protect their ears. He is also urging everybody to cover their ears when I start telling my crappy jokes.
President Obama visited Ground Zero after Osama bin Laden's death. And conveniently enough, "Ground Zero" is where my "Skills with women" rating is.
Fortunately, that's all I have for today!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"Death Over Capture"
Police in Las Vegas arrested rapper Flavor Flav. He used his teeth to pay his bail.
Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?
Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.
The death of Osama Bin Laden set a record for the number of tweets sent around the world on Twitter. This broke the previous record, which involved desperate teenage girls saying how much they love Justin Bieber.
A study says that people who are obese or overweight by middle age are more likely to contract Alzheimer’s Disease. Wait, what was I just talking about?
The White House said that Osama bin Laden was unarmed during the raid that killed him. Actually, that would have been untrue, if a cane was considered a weapon.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?
Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.
The death of Osama Bin Laden set a record for the number of tweets sent around the world on Twitter. This broke the previous record, which involved desperate teenage girls saying how much they love Justin Bieber.
A study says that people who are obese or overweight by middle age are more likely to contract Alzheimer’s Disease. Wait, what was I just talking about?
The White House said that Osama bin Laden was unarmed during the raid that killed him. Actually, that would have been untrue, if a cane was considered a weapon.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 2, 2011
"Confirmed Dead"
Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Hey Osama, it's too bad those 72 virgins aren't in hell.
Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.
President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."
Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...
The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.
When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".
Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?
Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.
President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."
Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...
The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.
When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".
Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Osama Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden is confirmed dead. Here is my final rant on Osama. Viewer discretion is advised.
Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an idiot. I'm glad you're dead, Osama.
Your people loved you, and I don't understand why. You were a selfish bastard who only wanted to fuck 72 virgins in heaven. Well, too bad you can't do that in hell. Burn in hell Osama. America HATES you.
Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an idiot. I'm glad you're dead, Osama.
Your people loved you, and I don't understand why. You were a selfish bastard who only wanted to fuck 72 virgins in heaven. Well, too bad you can't do that in hell. Burn in hell Osama. America HATES you.
Friday, April 29, 2011
"Acting Classes"
I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"The New Voice"
Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?
The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.
Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?
A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.
Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.
Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?
A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.
Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 25, 2011
"Not Running For President"
A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"Shorter Relationships"
Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
"Cheery People"
A Florida agency is being investigated for spending thousands of dollars to buy superhero capes to give to the unemployed. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these people are also unmarried.
Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.
Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".
An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.
A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.
Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".
An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.
A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
"Absolutely Good"
NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".
A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.
There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?
That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".
A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.
There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?
That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!
Monday, April 18, 2011
"Hesitant Speech"
An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 15, 2011
"Their Own Advice"
Jennifer Lopez has been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman. Coming in a close second: Justin Bieber.
A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.
A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.
Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.
Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?
Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.
Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.
FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.
A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.
Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.
Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?
Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.
Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.
FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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