Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
"Lost An Eye"
A UK hospital is treating a three year old for alcoholism. Hey Bieber, quit the partying.
A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.
The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".
Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".
Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.
The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".
Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".
Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Tasteless Jokes"
AFLAC fired the voice of their TV duck, comedian Gilbert Gottfried, for making tasteless jokes about Japan on Twitter. You didn't hear about it? Ask about it at work.
Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?
Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.
A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".
An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?
Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.
A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".
An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 14, 2011
"Too White"
An independent report for Congress says the U.S. military is too white and too male in the top positions. I didn't know the U.S. military could be compared to a high school chess team.
Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.
An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?
A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.
Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".
A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.
An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?
A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.
Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".
A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 11, 2011
"Airplane Restrooms"
Donald Trump says he is serious about a run for President in 2012. Hey, Sarah Palin may have a shot now.
A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".
GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.
The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.
A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.
A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.
Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.
Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".
GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.
The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.
A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.
A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.
Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.
Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Risky Gambling"
Next Monday is National Napping Day. I would celebrate, but for some reason, I'm just too tired.
A study says that a lack of sleep can make people overly optimistic and prone to risky gambling. The study was conducted in Las Vegas.
Cap’n Crunch is being retired by Quaker Oats, a result of too much sugar content. Apparently Quaker Oats didn't want a cereal that was over-crunchatized.
A New York teen has been sentenced to two years in prison for killing her family's pet hamster. She was obviously not smart enough to cover up the crime with the genius mechanism called "buying a new one that looks exactly like the one before".
Well, that's all I have for today! Sorry, I will definitely have more tomorrow!
A study says that a lack of sleep can make people overly optimistic and prone to risky gambling. The study was conducted in Las Vegas.
Cap’n Crunch is being retired by Quaker Oats, a result of too much sugar content. Apparently Quaker Oats didn't want a cereal that was over-crunchatized.
A New York teen has been sentenced to two years in prison for killing her family's pet hamster. She was obviously not smart enough to cover up the crime with the genius mechanism called "buying a new one that looks exactly like the one before".
Well, that's all I have for today! Sorry, I will definitely have more tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"310-975-5732"
A new app filters out all Internet news about Charlie Sheen. The app is called "Losing".
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Praying For Charlie Sheen"
The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 7, 2011
"Gay Mardi Gras"
This is National Procrastination Week. The celebration is five minutes from now, no matter when you read this.
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Friday, March 4, 2011
"National Grammar Day"
Friday is National Grammar Day. I be celebratin' later tonight.
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"More Famous Than Obama"
Charlie Sheen wants to make a feature film. Too bad "Despicable Me" is already taken.
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Relaxed And Smart"
Oscar’s co-host actress Anne Hathaway described her evening as “an amazing experience”. Viewers of the Oscars will certainly beg to differ.
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 28, 2011
"Offering Scholarships"
Miguel Cabrera will return to the Detroit Tigers lineup this spring for the first time as a designated hitter. And pitcher Armando Galarraga is now in the lineup as Miguel's designated driver.
Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.
A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...
A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.
Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.
A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...
A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.
Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
"Phone Etiquette"
A 10,000 square foot medical marijuana growing emporium is set to open in Sacramento. Don't we usually call those "farms"?
A poll says that Mississippi is the most conservative state in the U.S. They are so conservative, they don't take the time to look outside their families for dating.
A poll says that phone etiquette in the U.S. is getting worse. When I heard this, I was like, "WTF R U TALKIN BOUT?!?".
7-Eleven has opened its 40,000th store. And still, not a single one of them has any class.
A new iPhone app counts down the time to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Using the app tells people, "I have absolutely nothing better to do".
It's a Saturday, it's late, and I'm tired. That's all I have for right now!
A poll says that Mississippi is the most conservative state in the U.S. They are so conservative, they don't take the time to look outside their families for dating.
A poll says that phone etiquette in the U.S. is getting worse. When I heard this, I was like, "WTF R U TALKIN BOUT?!?".
7-Eleven has opened its 40,000th store. And still, not a single one of them has any class.
A new iPhone app counts down the time to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Using the app tells people, "I have absolutely nothing better to do".
It's a Saturday, it's late, and I'm tired. That's all I have for right now!
Friday, February 25, 2011
"List Of Performances"
Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.
The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?
An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.
Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.
U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.
“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.
Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.
A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.
84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?
An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.
Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.
U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.
“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.
Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.
A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.
84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
I have officially entered the Late Night scene! How about it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
"Women And Drugs"
Former CNN talk show host Larry King is launching a one-man comedy show starting in April. But before this starts, he has to learn how to make people laugh.
Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.
New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.
George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.
A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?
Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".
Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.
New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.
George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.
A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?
Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".
Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 21, 2011
"Concealed Weapons"
Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.
On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.
Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.
Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.
The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.
Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.
Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.
7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.
A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.
Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.
Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.
The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.
Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.
Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.
7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.
A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
"Toxic Ingredients"
The L.A. TV reporter who broke down into gibberish on air at the Grammys was suffering a migraine headache. She must have heard Justin Bieber's performance.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.
A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".
A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.
Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.
A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.
A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".
A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.
Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.
A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 18, 2011
"Mubarak's Ouster"
On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.
A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.
A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?
The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.
The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.
The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?
66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.
More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.
A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?
The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.
The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.
The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?
66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.
More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
"Lazy Whiners"
Thursday is Paris Hilton’s 30th birthday. That's approximately one year per I.Q. point.
A Pennsylvania high school teacher caused an uproar when she called her students “lazy whiners” in her blog. That's weird, usually, my parents are calling me and my brother that.
Borders bookstore filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. How can you file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy when almost none of your customers can get past chapter one?
Justin Bieber says that health care in Canada is much better than it is in the U.S. If health care was better in Canada, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
That's all! Sorry, but that's all I got for right now!
A Pennsylvania high school teacher caused an uproar when she called her students “lazy whiners” in her blog. That's weird, usually, my parents are calling me and my brother that.
Borders bookstore filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. How can you file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy when almost none of your customers can get past chapter one?
Justin Bieber says that health care in Canada is much better than it is in the U.S. If health care was better in Canada, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
That's all! Sorry, but that's all I got for right now!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Free Condoms"
Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 14, 2011
"Encouraging Couples"
Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 11, 2011
"Staying Single"
Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"Harry Baals"
First Lady Michelle Obama says her two daughters do not have accounts on Facebook. She added that they do not have Myspace accounts, which disappointed thousands of middle-aged perverts.
Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.
Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.
An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.
A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.
First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?
A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?
A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.
Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.
New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.
An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.
A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.
Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.
An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.
A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.
First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?
A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?
A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.
Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.
New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.
An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.
A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Feeding Him Popcorn"
First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"Unusual Visitors"
Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 7, 2011
"Left-Handed Parrots"
A new study says that there are more left-handed parrots than right-handed parrots. What do you call annoying animals who tend to be more on the left? CNN.
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
"Coffee And An Aspirin"
Former National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski says that Egypt won’t become a democracy overnight. It will become a democracy the day someone can spell his name correctly.
Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.
American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.
A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.
A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.
Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.
American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.
A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.
A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.
Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 4, 2011
"Available Online"
Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
"Cold Weather"
Today at sunset the traditional Chinese Lunar New Year 4709 begins; it is the Year of the Rabbit. In a related story, Elmer Fudd hates China.
CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.
An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.
Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.
Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.
A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.
A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.
An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.
Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.
Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.
A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.
A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"His Final Round"
It was on this date in 1950 that the popular and long-running game show “What’s My Line” premiered on television. It was created in honor of the on-the-set acting by the cast of Baywatch.
A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.
Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.
Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.
The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.
Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.
“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.
PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".
A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.
Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.
Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.
The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.
Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.
“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.
PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".
A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"Rehab At Home"
February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 31, 2011
'Safe For Women"
Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
"Neck Cancers"
Rep. Dennis Kucinich is suing the Congressional cafeteria for an olive pit that he found in a sandwich. He's also pissed because the sandwich is taller than he is.
Singer Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Australia and was rushed to the hospital. That's the last time he ever drinks a margarita during Margaritaville.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he’ll reduce his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage next season. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler's salary is going to be reduced to $1 regardless of whether he plays or not.
Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Utah naming a state gun is like Kentucky naming a state rocket scientist.
Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest galaxy, and it is described as a small, hot affair that blazed to life during the childhood of the cosmos. Like Larry King's first marriage.
The body of former Italian quiz show host Mike Bongiorno was stolen from its grave. Bongiorno hosted numerous Italian quiz shows, while the thief was playing "Press Your Luck".
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" admitted her failed hookup with Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is one of her biggest regrets. Really, Snooki? Three drunken years on an MTV show and THAT'S one of your biggest regrets?
A new study says that the rise in head and neck cancers is a result of more oral sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton is undergoing chemotherapy.
A new study says that unhealthy eating can lead to depression. Which leads to more unhealthy eating, which leads to more depression...
Nintendo's profit has gone down 74%. It's so bad, their new currency is shiny stars with faces on them.
A study says that people sleep better when their bedroom is clean and comfortable. This study was conducted by moms everywhere.
An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. What? It's not like anyone's going to buy it.
That's all I have for today! More later!
Singer Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Australia and was rushed to the hospital. That's the last time he ever drinks a margarita during Margaritaville.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he’ll reduce his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage next season. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler's salary is going to be reduced to $1 regardless of whether he plays or not.
Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Utah naming a state gun is like Kentucky naming a state rocket scientist.
Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest galaxy, and it is described as a small, hot affair that blazed to life during the childhood of the cosmos. Like Larry King's first marriage.
The body of former Italian quiz show host Mike Bongiorno was stolen from its grave. Bongiorno hosted numerous Italian quiz shows, while the thief was playing "Press Your Luck".
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" admitted her failed hookup with Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is one of her biggest regrets. Really, Snooki? Three drunken years on an MTV show and THAT'S one of your biggest regrets?
A new study says that the rise in head and neck cancers is a result of more oral sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton is undergoing chemotherapy.
A new study says that unhealthy eating can lead to depression. Which leads to more unhealthy eating, which leads to more depression...
Nintendo's profit has gone down 74%. It's so bad, their new currency is shiny stars with faces on them.
A study says that people sleep better when their bedroom is clean and comfortable. This study was conducted by moms everywhere.
An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. What? It's not like anyone's going to buy it.
That's all I have for today! More later!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"On The Shelves"
“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monologue Jokes Special: State of the Union Address
Tonight was Barack Obama's State of the Union Address. It was amazing how he turned "We're screwed" into a two hour speech.
President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".
Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.
When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?
President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.
Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.
President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.
President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.
President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.
President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?
President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?
President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.
President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.
President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?
President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.
President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.
President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.
President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.
President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.
President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...
President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.
President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.
President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.
President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.
President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.
President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.
President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".
President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.
President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.
President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.
President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.
President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.
President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.
President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.
President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.
President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.
President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?
President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.
President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.
President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".
President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.
President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.
President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".
There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.
Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!
President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".
Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.
When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?
President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.
Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.
President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.
President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.
President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.
President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?
President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?
President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.
President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.
President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?
President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.
President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.
President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.
President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.
President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.
President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...
President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.
President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.
President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.
President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.
President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.
President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.
President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".
President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.
President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.
President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.
President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.
President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.
President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.
President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.
President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.
President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.
President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?
President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.
President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.
President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".
President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.
President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.
President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".
There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.
Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!
"A Half Sister"
Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Caught On Live TV"
Actor Richard Dean Anderson, TV’s MacGyver, celebrated his 61st birthday on Sunday. For his birthday, he received a paper clip, a rubber band, and a thumbtack.
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Junior Lollipops"
Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James is engaged to marry “LA Ink” tattoo star Kat Von D. I wonder what would incline a man like Jesse James to marry a person known for tattoos.
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"Fatty Acids"
The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
"The Kama Sutra"
Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".
New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.
A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!
A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.
Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.
A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.
Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".
A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?
A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.
A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.
Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
"Filed The Paperwork"
Actors January Jones and Jason Sudeikis split up. Jason reportedly has a thing for Jones' sister, February.
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Brett Favre filed the paperwork with the NFL to formally retire from professional football. Right after that, he filed the paperwork to become a Medicare member.
Apple CEO Steve Jobs is taking another medical leave. What happened to the saying, "An Apple a day keeps the doctor away"?
The Golden Globes ceremony was seen on TV Sunday by almost 17 million viewers. Of course, Ricky Gervais thought it was a Comedy Central Roast.
Detroit public schools could shut down half their campuses next year. It makes me wonder, how do you split one school campus in half?
A study says that beautiful people are more likely to be smarter with higher than average IQs. Especially when it comes to picking up the opposite sex.
Some century old scotch was returned to Scotland that was left behind on a 1907 expedition to Antarctica. Since it went to Scotland, it probably didn't last very long.
UBS has revised a 44 page employee dress code that brought widespread criticism. Maybe they should spend less time making a dress code and more time working.
A survey says that 1 in 16 surgeons say they have contemplated suicide. Who else thinks a suicidal guy with a scalpel is a bad idea?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 17, 2011
"Trying To Lure"
The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, January 15, 2011
"A State Of Confusion"
CBS says they have a “high level of concern” about Charlie Sheen. We all do, CBS.
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
A study says that talk therapy may improve long term depression. That is, until you get the bill for your visit to the psychiatrist.
A New York man has been arrested for threatening to kill financial regulators. He was arrested for trying to become an American hero.
A study says that popular sleeping drugs can leave the user in a state of confusion while stumbling and falling. You know, like Lindsay Lohan during a sobriety test.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says his two terms as California Governor may have cost him as much as $200 Million. And those were just for his teleprompter fees.
The producer of “American Idol” says the new show will be “like nothing you’ve ever seen”. Does that mean that the people who make it to Hollywood will be worse than the terrible auditions?
A Memphis high school reports 86 pregnant teenagers. Even more crazy, that school has only 84 girls.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Friday, January 14, 2011
"Money For Nothing"
Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
"Genetic Screening"
Sarah Palin, accusing journalists of unfairly blaming her for recent shootings, labeled it “blood libel”; a misuse of the term. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Sarah Palin" and "misuse of the term" in the same sentence...
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The National Weather Service reports there is snow on the ground in 49 of the 50 states. Take that, Al Gore!
After the flop of her movie "Beloved", Oprah Winfrey ate 30 pounds of mac and cheese. Oprah ate an extremely unhealthy amount of mac and cheese. And then she realized that "Beloved" had flopped.
Android-powered phones have new software that lets you translate foreign languages in real time. Finally, a solution for not understanding tech support.
LeBron James is gloating over the Cleveland Cavaliers 55-point loss to the LA Lakers; he’s calling it karma. I'm calling it "The Cavs suck".
Brandi Favre, sister of Brett Favre, was arrested in a meth lab bust. You know you're screwed up when Brett Favre is your brother and you're the embarrassment to the family.
President Obama called France “Our biggest ally” at a meeting with French President Nicolas Sarkozy. He better not be talking about military allies. That's like calling Michael Vick your go-to petsitter.
A new law will prohibit genetic screening for jobs. This is great news for relatives of Charlie Sheen.
The Kardashians are launching a clothing line through Sears. Meanwhile, Kirstie Alley is launching a clothing line through Home Depot.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
"Sneezed The Bullet"
California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
"Just As Enjoyable"
On January 10, 1776, Thomas Paine published his 50-page pamphlet titled “Common Sense”. This books talks about the main thing that the cast of Jersey Shore does not have.
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
More than 13 inches of snow fell on Tennessee. At least the men said it was 13 inches, but the women said it was only like 5-6 inches.
A Phoenix radio station has offered Bristol Palin a job as a morning drive-time on-air co-host. Because nothing wakes you up and prepares you for the day better than listening to a Palin talking.
Sarah Palin says she is not negotiating for another season of the reality show “Sarah Palin's Alaska”. On behalf of all three viewers of TLC, I would like to say thank you.
A study says that music is just as enjoyable to the brain as sex. In that case, is listening to "The Sex Pistols" a double whammy?
California Governor Jerry Brown is seeing to keep a series of tax increases in place for the next five years. California has a new nickname for Brown: One-Term.
Marshawn Lynch’s 67 yard touchdown run that helped beat New Orleans at Seattle’s Qwest Field actually showed up on a nearby seismic monitoring station. It was from the crowd realizing that the Seahawks having a chance to win.
MTV is launching a comedy awards show. Because nothing says "comedy" like "Music Television".
Former “Jersey Shore” cast member Angelina Pivarnick is reportedly looking to become a pro wrestler. Of course, wrestling and Jersey Shore are very different. One of them involves people fighting for no reason but for pure entertainment, and the other one is wrestling.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 10, 2011
"Not An Issue"
Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, January 6, 2011
"A Garbage Can"
John Boehner was elected the new Speaker of the House, replacing Nancy Pelosi. You know, these two are very different. One is an old man who is known for doing a good job at giving Obama a bad reputation. The other one is John Boehner.
“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she often drinks until she blacks out and about once a month wakes up in a garbage can. That happens to be the one day a month that Jersey Shore is taping.
Starbucks updated its logo. It's a cup of overpriced coffee.
Pennsylvania State Police will stop issuing disorderly conduct citations to people who use profanity. This is great news for Philadelphia Phillies fans.
A Bluefin tuna weighing 754 pounds sold in Tokyo for nearly $396,000. Try putting THAT in a can.
Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden voice, has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. As their starting guard.
28 children in China have been hospitalized for lead poisoning. They should be back to work at the factories in no time.
In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Isabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. I don't know which is more gross: Sex with Hugh Hefner, or a dead fish.
That's all for right now! More later!
“Jersey Shore” star Snooki says she often drinks until she blacks out and about once a month wakes up in a garbage can. That happens to be the one day a month that Jersey Shore is taping.
Starbucks updated its logo. It's a cup of overpriced coffee.
Pennsylvania State Police will stop issuing disorderly conduct citations to people who use profanity. This is great news for Philadelphia Phillies fans.
A Bluefin tuna weighing 754 pounds sold in Tokyo for nearly $396,000. Try putting THAT in a can.
Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden voice, has been offered a job by the Cleveland Cavaliers. As their starting guard.
28 children in China have been hospitalized for lead poisoning. They should be back to work at the factories in no time.
In a tell-all book, former Playmate, Isabella St. James described sex with Hugh Hefner as being with a dead fish. I don't know which is more gross: Sex with Hugh Hefner, or a dead fish.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
"Full Trash Bags"
About 1,300 parishioners of a Catholic Church in New York may have been exposed to hepatitis A through communion on Christmas day. I'm not sure a good Christmas gift is "the gift that keeps on giving".
In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".
Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.
A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?
A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.
A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.
The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.
This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.
Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.
A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?
Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".
A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".
That's all for right now! More to come later!
In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".
Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.
A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?
A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.
A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.
The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.
This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.
Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.
A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?
Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".
A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".
That's all for right now! More to come later!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 3, 2011
"A Muslim Version"
CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
Saturday, January 1, 2011
"Banished Words"
It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.
Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.
This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.
New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.
Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.
Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.
Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.
New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?
Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?
Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.
TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!
That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!
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