A new study indicates obese people have less satisfying sex lives. And I fall under the category of "really obese people have no sex lives".
Marie Osmond remarried her first husband in Las Vegas, Wednesday. Aww, marriage. Something I will never experience.
Prince Charles has criticized government farm subsidies, saying the money could be spent more wisely. It could be used to give me a makeover.
President Obama says there will be no death pictures of Osama Bin Laden, saying they are "too gruesome". Too gruesome? Has he seen my pictures on Facebook?
KISS’ Paul Stanley is urging teens to turn down their music to protect their ears. He is also urging everybody to cover their ears when I start telling my crappy jokes.
President Obama visited Ground Zero after Osama bin Laden's death. And conveniently enough, "Ground Zero" is where my "Skills with women" rating is.
Fortunately, that's all I have for today!
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
"Death Over Capture"
Police in Las Vegas arrested rapper Flavor Flav. He used his teeth to pay his bail.
Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?
Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.
The death of Osama Bin Laden set a record for the number of tweets sent around the world on Twitter. This broke the previous record, which involved desperate teenage girls saying how much they love Justin Bieber.
A study says that people who are obese or overweight by middle age are more likely to contract Alzheimer’s Disease. Wait, what was I just talking about?
The White House said that Osama bin Laden was unarmed during the raid that killed him. Actually, that would have been untrue, if a cane was considered a weapon.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Journalists at the Daily Beast have judged a journalism degree as the most useless college diploma. Who else finds it ironic that these people are journalists?
Osama Bin Laden’s sister-in-law says he would have chosen death over capture. Considering the fact that the US has the body, I guess he chose both.
The death of Osama Bin Laden set a record for the number of tweets sent around the world on Twitter. This broke the previous record, which involved desperate teenage girls saying how much they love Justin Bieber.
A study says that people who are obese or overweight by middle age are more likely to contract Alzheimer’s Disease. Wait, what was I just talking about?
The White House said that Osama bin Laden was unarmed during the raid that killed him. Actually, that would have been untrue, if a cane was considered a weapon.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 2, 2011
"Confirmed Dead"
Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Hey Osama, it's too bad those 72 virgins aren't in hell.
Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.
President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."
Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...
The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.
When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".
Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?
Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.
President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."
Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...
The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.
When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".
Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Osama Bin Laden
Osama Bin Laden is confirmed dead. Here is my final rant on Osama. Viewer discretion is advised.
Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an idiot. I'm glad you're dead, Osama.
Your people loved you, and I don't understand why. You were a selfish bastard who only wanted to fuck 72 virgins in heaven. Well, too bad you can't do that in hell. Burn in hell Osama. America HATES you.
Osama Bin Laden was a fucking coward. I'm glad he's dead. Almost ten years ago, his group of bastards caused us the worst tragedy of the 21st century, and possibly the worst tragedy in the history of mankind, and he had no remorse. In fact, that bloodthirsty motherfucker wanted more. He was an idiot. I'm glad you're dead, Osama.
Your people loved you, and I don't understand why. You were a selfish bastard who only wanted to fuck 72 virgins in heaven. Well, too bad you can't do that in hell. Burn in hell Osama. America HATES you.
Friday, April 29, 2011
"Acting Classes"
I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
"The New Voice"
Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?
The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.
Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?
A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.
Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.
Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".
Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?
A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.
Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 25, 2011
"Not Running For President"
A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.
Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".
Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.
This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.
The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.
That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!
Thursday, April 21, 2011
"Shorter Relationships"
Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
"Cheery People"
A Florida agency is being investigated for spending thousands of dollars to buy superhero capes to give to the unemployed. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these people are also unmarried.
Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.
Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".
An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.
A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.
Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".
An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.
A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
"Absolutely Good"
NBC is scaling back on its planned coverage of the Royal wedding because they feel Prince William and Kate Middleton are “too boring”. Remember, this network has Leno hosting The Tonight Show.
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".
A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.
There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?
That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville is going to be a father for the third time. It's amazing how he can have kids, considering the fact that he's known for getting hit in the nuts all the time.
Gary Busey says that Donald Trump would be an "absolutely good" President. In response, Trump said, "No thanks, Gary".
A study says that surgeons are prone to more errors after a night of drinking. In a related story, the sun is hot.
There was an error on a postage stamp that put the Statue of Liberty right next to Las Vegas. In response, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann said, "So"?
That's all I have for today! Sorry about the limited supply, but I'll definitely have more tomorrow!
Monday, April 18, 2011
"Hesitant Speech"
An Italian butcher was arrested for selling ten year old meat. Didn't Michael Jackson used to love that stuff?
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A 9 year old New Mexico boy is planning to make a solo flight in a balloon. And to keep with tradition, he's going to hide in the attic instead.
Prince Harry has been promoted to Captain in the Air Corps. He's extremely nervous; this is the first job he's ever had.
Tiger Woods says that golf has taught him a lot about life. It certainly taught him that putting balls in the hole was okay.
A study says that hesitant speech may help kids learn new words. You know what this means? President Obama is the human dictionary.
Cincinnati Reds pitcher Mike Leake was arrested for shoplifting from a Macy's. Finally, a convicted criminal that plays Cincinnati sports, and isn't a Bengal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 15, 2011
"Their Own Advice"
Jennifer Lopez has been named People Magazine’s Most Beautiful Woman. Coming in a close second: Justin Bieber.
A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.
A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.
Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.
Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?
Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.
Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.
FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Florida Olive Garden restaurant reportedly gave a two year old alcohol instead of orange juice. The kid got so drunk, he mistakenly thought he was at an Applebees.
A study says that doctors admit they often wouldn’t follow their own advice. Especially when it comes to how often they recommend getting a prostate exam.
Vitamin use in the U.S. is up, with 53% of Americans taking dietary supplements. Just looking at most Americans, I'd say they aren't working at all.
Discovery Communications is launching a network aimed at rich men. What? Is FOX News not enough?
Golfer Kevin Na took a 16 on a par four hole in a tournament in Texas. God, he has more problems putting balls in the hole than I do.
Researchers say they have created schizophrenic brain cells in the laboratory. The researchers are excited and depressed at the same time.
FBI files say that there was a death threat made against KFC founder Colonel Sanders back in 1973. The threats involved Colonel Sanders having to eat food from his restaurant.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
"A YouTube Video"
Mitt Romney started his White House run with a YouTube video. Romney is exactly like Rebecca Black: an annoying little girl making news on YouTube.
An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.
Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Spears. I agree. She is a terrible singer, and an insult to music. And Britney Spears is pretty bad, too.
California Governor Jerry Brown says the country is the most divided it has been since the Civil War. A poll was held in response to this quote. 50% of Americans agreed, and 50% of Americans disagreed.
A teenager claims she was told she was too fat to be in the front row of a taping of “American Idol”. Being too fat certainly makes her put the "American" in "American Idol".
Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant appeared to use a homophobic slur against a referee during their game yesterday. It's the angriest Kobe has been since he was with a hotel room employee.
An Indonesian clinic says that smoking cigarettes can cure cancer and emphysema. That must explain Indonesia's new official mammal: the Camel.
Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized with bipolar disorder. I guess that's what being married to Michael Douglas does to you.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.
Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Spears. I agree. She is a terrible singer, and an insult to music. And Britney Spears is pretty bad, too.
California Governor Jerry Brown says the country is the most divided it has been since the Civil War. A poll was held in response to this quote. 50% of Americans agreed, and 50% of Americans disagreed.
A teenager claims she was told she was too fat to be in the front row of a taping of “American Idol”. Being too fat certainly makes her put the "American" in "American Idol".
Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant appeared to use a homophobic slur against a referee during their game yesterday. It's the angriest Kobe has been since he was with a hotel room employee.
An Indonesian clinic says that smoking cigarettes can cure cancer and emphysema. That must explain Indonesia's new official mammal: the Camel.
Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized with bipolar disorder. I guess that's what being married to Michael Douglas does to you.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 11, 2011
"Off The Air"
Former Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is going to run for the New Jersey state senate. I think he's going to win, because we all know how good Carl Lewis is at running.
There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.
The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a striptease dancer. Even worse, the host of the show was Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC.
Actress Reese Witherspoon says that she misses her privacy. This quote was gathered and verified by 42 secret audio tapes hidden inside her house.
Rutgers University now wants singer Bruce Springsteen to give a speech at their college. First Snooki, and now Bruce Springsteen. Who's next? Charlie Sheen?
The escaped New York cobra has been named "Mia", which stands for "missing in action". Or how about "Pia", because it disappeared when people didn't want it to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
There are reports of a 103 year old judge in Kansas that is still hearing cases. Barely hearing them.
The Philippines' most popular TV game show was pulled off the air because the host let a crying 6-year-old boy mimic a striptease dancer. Even worse, the host of the show was Chris Hanson of Dateline NBC.
Actress Reese Witherspoon says that she misses her privacy. This quote was gathered and verified by 42 secret audio tapes hidden inside her house.
Rutgers University now wants singer Bruce Springsteen to give a speech at their college. First Snooki, and now Bruce Springsteen. Who's next? Charlie Sheen?
The escaped New York cobra has been named "Mia", which stands for "missing in action". Or how about "Pia", because it disappeared when people didn't want it to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 8, 2011
"National Beer Day"
Today is National Beer Day. Isn't that called "St. Patrick's Day"?
A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?
A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.
Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?
Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.
Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A husband and wife playing golf together in Brazil made holes-in-one on the same hole within seconds of each other. A husband and wife playing on the same hole at the same time. Isn't that called a threesome?
A man in Maryland was apparently glued to a toilet seat at Walmart. He was in Walmart, angry, and nowhere to be found. Just like their greeter.
Archaeologists say that the story of a gay caveman was overblown. Could you possibly find a more poor choice of words?
Prince William's bride, Kate Middleton, is reportedly still a virgin. I'm sure there are a lot of guys that would LOVE to change that.
Eight people died as a result of a bomb that hit an election office in Nigeria. The bomb was so devastating, Nigerian ambassadors stopped sending us spam emails for a whole two hours.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
"Signature Phrases"
A New York congressman received a bloody pig’s foot in the mail. Nobody does that. No, I'm not talking about sending a bloody pig's foot. I'm talking about the fact that nobody checks their mail anymore.
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 4, 2011
"A Bookless Library"
President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Friday, April 1, 2011
"Ugly Kardashian"
Khloe Kardashian says it’s tough to keep her self esteem when people refer to her as the “ugly Kardashian”. Isn't the "ugly Kardashian" kind of like being named the "shortest of the seven dwarfs"?
There have been reports that say that your name can determine your destiny. This is bad news for Miami native Bob Sharkbait.
A new report says that more health studies of gays and transgenders are needed. To be fair, scientists say they have already studied homo-sapiens.
The Kansas City Wizards of the MLS will name their stadium "Livestrong Stadium" after the company founded by Lance Armstrong. What do soccer and Lance Armstrong have in common? They are both known for only using one ball at a time.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to speak at Rutgers University. It marks the first time that "Snooki" and "university" are in the same sentence.
April 1st is Jon Gosselin's birthday. Coincidence? Probably not.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
There have been reports that say that your name can determine your destiny. This is bad news for Miami native Bob Sharkbait.
A new report says that more health studies of gays and transgenders are needed. To be fair, scientists say they have already studied homo-sapiens.
The Kansas City Wizards of the MLS will name their stadium "Livestrong Stadium" after the company founded by Lance Armstrong. What do soccer and Lance Armstrong have in common? They are both known for only using one ball at a time.
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to speak at Rutgers University. It marks the first time that "Snooki" and "university" are in the same sentence.
April 1st is Jon Gosselin's birthday. Coincidence? Probably not.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
"Killing Elephants"
A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?
A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".
The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.
A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.
A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?
A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.
A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".
The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.
A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
"His Fifth Child"
An Arizona prison inmate was executed amid questions about which lethal drugs work best. I guess those drugs did.
President Obama’s speech about the military operations in Libya was timed to avoid going on against “Dancing With The Stars”. Maybe the White House really does care about gay people.
Kevin Federline is expecting his fifth child. Even President Obama is questioning his ability to pull out.
Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy admitted that he has trouble reading and writing because he suffers from dyslexia. And President Bush admitted that he has trouble reading and writing because he suffers from severe stupidity.
Virginia Tech has been fined $55,000 by the Department of Education for waiting too long to notify students of a gunman attack in 2007. I think the Department of Education should be fined for waiting to long to fine Virginia Tech for waiting too long to notify (that rolls off the tongue doesn't it).
A Florida man has hit the 100 gallon mark in donating blood. "I'm proud of my achievement," said the donor, Magic Johnson.
A study says that beautiful people make more money and are happier than those not as attractive. If that's the case, I'm going to end up homeless within the next few weeks.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
President Obama’s speech about the military operations in Libya was timed to avoid going on against “Dancing With The Stars”. Maybe the White House really does care about gay people.
Kevin Federline is expecting his fifth child. Even President Obama is questioning his ability to pull out.
Connecticut Governor Dannel Malloy admitted that he has trouble reading and writing because he suffers from dyslexia. And President Bush admitted that he has trouble reading and writing because he suffers from severe stupidity.
Virginia Tech has been fined $55,000 by the Department of Education for waiting too long to notify students of a gunman attack in 2007. I think the Department of Education should be fined for waiting to long to fine Virginia Tech for waiting too long to notify (that rolls off the tongue doesn't it).
A Florida man has hit the 100 gallon mark in donating blood. "I'm proud of my achievement," said the donor, Magic Johnson.
A study says that beautiful people make more money and are happier than those not as attractive. If that's the case, I'm going to end up homeless within the next few weeks.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"A Padded Bathing Suit"
Harry Wesley Coover Jr., known as the inventor of Super Glue, has died at the age of 94. I wonder how the funeral home is going to keep the casket shut.
Women’s rights activists in Saudi Arabia are angry that women continue to be denied the right to vote. Women in Saudi Arabia are furious, while men in Saudi Arabia still think that's the funniest thing they've ever heard.
A Pennsylvania zoo euthanized one of the oldest lions in the US due to age-related ailments. Oh man, who's gonna scream in that circle before all those classic movies?
A woman who practices Wicca and works for the TSA in New York has been fired after a co-worker says she was casting spells on employees. You know you are messed up when the TSA calls your rituals out of line.
A New York jeweler is suing Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant for $246,000 in jewelry he hasn’t paid for. The only kind of jewelry that this guy doesn't have is a Super Bowl ring.
Advertising at movie theaters jumped 13% in 2010. Also jumping 13%: people that don't care about the advertisements at movie theaters.
Abercrombie and Fitch are being criticized for featuring a padded bathing suit top for seven year old girls. Even worse, this item is being sponsored by Myspace.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Women’s rights activists in Saudi Arabia are angry that women continue to be denied the right to vote. Women in Saudi Arabia are furious, while men in Saudi Arabia still think that's the funniest thing they've ever heard.
A Pennsylvania zoo euthanized one of the oldest lions in the US due to age-related ailments. Oh man, who's gonna scream in that circle before all those classic movies?
A woman who practices Wicca and works for the TSA in New York has been fired after a co-worker says she was casting spells on employees. You know you are messed up when the TSA calls your rituals out of line.
A New York jeweler is suing Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant for $246,000 in jewelry he hasn’t paid for. The only kind of jewelry that this guy doesn't have is a Super Bowl ring.
Advertising at movie theaters jumped 13% in 2010. Also jumping 13%: people that don't care about the advertisements at movie theaters.
Abercrombie and Fitch are being criticized for featuring a padded bathing suit top for seven year old girls. Even worse, this item is being sponsored by Myspace.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 28, 2011
"Sentenced To Death"
There will be not be any No. 1 seeds in this year’s NCAA Final Four. In fact, my bracket is more screwed up than Gary Busey's face.
A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.
The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".
Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.
President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Louisiana man convicted of murder was sentenced to death after saying he wanted to kill the jury. I have never seen so much love.
The Japan earthquake and tsunami is set to be the world’s costliest disaster. Of course, not counting "Two and a Half Men".
Doctors say that there is a link between Facebook use and teenage depression. Especially if the teen doesn't have any friends.
President Obama said that standardized testing can make education boring for kids. He's doing a good job trying to care about the people in order to win the next election, but he needs to know one thing: kids can't vote.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
"Johnny Jolly"
NATO says the conflict in Libya could last 90 days. 90 days of bombs; sounds like a movie marathon on Showtime.
“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.
A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?
GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.
Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.
A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.
Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.
Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.
A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?
GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.
Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.
A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.
Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.
Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 25, 2011
"Dark Chocolate"
China is pushing to ban indoor smoking in most places by May 1. The only place that allows indoor smoking will now be your grandparents' house.
According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.
Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.
Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.
A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.
A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.
Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.
A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.
A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.
Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.
Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.
A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.
A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.
Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.
A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.
A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"Away From Soccer"
ABC’s “Good Morning America” invited singer Chris Brown back to their show after he angrily trashed his dressing room and broke a window. Hopefully to clean all that mess up.
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
"Personal Use"
A new study says that sex can trigger heart attacks in people who rarely have it. In a related story, I just bought a defibrillator.
Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.
On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?
An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.
A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?
A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.
On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?
An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.
A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?
A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Abducted By Aliens"
Tuesday is International Goof-Off Day. I plan to celebrate by doing nothing.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.
Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.
The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.
A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.
A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.
CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".
A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.
A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.
Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.
The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.
A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.
A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.
CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".
A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.
A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 21, 2011
"Firstborn Children"
A new study says that women that live in a smoke-free environment are less likely to develop breast cancer. The same study concluded that a smoke-free environment is healthier regardless.
A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.
A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)
A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.
A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.
A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)
A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.
A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
"Common Forgetfulness"
A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?
A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.
Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?
Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.
Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.
Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.
President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.
Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?
Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.
Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.
Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.
President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 18, 2011
"Stressed Out"
The Pet Shop Boys have finished their first ballet score. I can't wait for their hit song: Out of the Closet.
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Royal Caribbean will offer all-you-can-drink packages on their cruises. This amazing deal has been brought to you by the letter "P".
A study says that preschoolers whose parents are depressed get stressed out more than other kids.
Well, since they are with depressed parents all the time, who could blame them?
A Diversity Commission wants the military to look like the rest of the U.S. So the military is gonna be full of complete fatasses?
Tiger Woods says that being a single dad is “tough”. Yes, because nothing is harder than being a parent with almost a billion dollars.
That's all I have for today! Well, happy Friday (Friday) (Friday)! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 17, 2011
"Wild Partying"
Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.
A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?
A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.
Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".
Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".
L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.
Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
"Lost An Eye"
A UK hospital is treating a three year old for alcoholism. Hey Bieber, quit the partying.
A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.
The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".
Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".
Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A renovated train station in Delaware is being named after Vice President Joe Biden. Because if I want to go to any train station, it's the one named after a train wreck.
The U.S. has passed France as the biggest wine consuming nation. When he heard about this, Charlie Sheen said, "You're welcome".
Joan Rivers and Howard Stern are coming to the defense of Gilbert Gottfried, who was fired as spokesman for Aflac after sending inappropriate messages on Twitter. Because when you need to count on two people that know what to say and when, those people are Joan Rivers and Howard Stern.
Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco is going to try out for an MLS soccer team. He shouldn't be a goalie, mainly because balls that comes near him goes right through his hands.
Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, who is 74 years old, said that he is too old to have had all the sexual encounters he is accused of having by Italian prosecutors. In response, 84-year old Hugh Hefner said, "Ok, what's your next excuse?".
Atlanta Braves minor league manager Luis Salazar has lost an eye after he was struck in the face by a line drive. Considering the bandages he might need, wouldn't he be a good coach for the Pirates?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
"Tasteless Jokes"
AFLAC fired the voice of their TV duck, comedian Gilbert Gottfried, for making tasteless jokes about Japan on Twitter. You didn't hear about it? Ask about it at work.
Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?
Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.
A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".
An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Hospitals are starting to offer ERs for the elderly. Aren't those called "nursing homes"?
Europeans on average pay about double what Americans pay for gasoline. Of course, their spending evens out because they pay nothing for personal hygiene products.
A study says that a stressful job can be worse than no job at all. Now I know why Charlie Sheen wanted to leave "Two and a Half Men".
An Australian teen had to cancel her sixteenth birthday party after more than 200,000 people said that they would show up. Dozens of the guests are not middle-aged perverts.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 14, 2011
"Too White"
An independent report for Congress says the U.S. military is too white and too male in the top positions. I didn't know the U.S. military could be compared to a high school chess team.
Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.
An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?
A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.
Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".
A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber is reportedly trying to grow a mustache. I thought only guys had the ability to do that.
An iPhone app takes a picture every 30 seconds and gives a review of what the person carrying the phone has done all day. Isn't that what Twitter is for?
A woman jumped to her death at a library in Salt Lake City. I thought that when someone died at a library, they died of boredom.
Many U.S. millionaires are saying that having $7 million is not enough to be rich. How retarded would you sound if you said, "I'm not rich, I only have $7 million to my name".
A study says that 40% of depressed dads have spanked their one-year-old sons. Spanking a one-year-old boy is common for depressed dads and pedophiles.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 11, 2011
"Airplane Restrooms"
Donald Trump says he is serious about a run for President in 2012. Hey, Sarah Palin may have a shot now.
A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".
GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.
The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.
A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.
A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.
Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.
Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".
GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.
The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.
A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.
A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.
Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.
Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
"Risky Gambling"
Next Monday is National Napping Day. I would celebrate, but for some reason, I'm just too tired.
A study says that a lack of sleep can make people overly optimistic and prone to risky gambling. The study was conducted in Las Vegas.
Cap’n Crunch is being retired by Quaker Oats, a result of too much sugar content. Apparently Quaker Oats didn't want a cereal that was over-crunchatized.
A New York teen has been sentenced to two years in prison for killing her family's pet hamster. She was obviously not smart enough to cover up the crime with the genius mechanism called "buying a new one that looks exactly like the one before".
Well, that's all I have for today! Sorry, I will definitely have more tomorrow!
A study says that a lack of sleep can make people overly optimistic and prone to risky gambling. The study was conducted in Las Vegas.
Cap’n Crunch is being retired by Quaker Oats, a result of too much sugar content. Apparently Quaker Oats didn't want a cereal that was over-crunchatized.
A New York teen has been sentenced to two years in prison for killing her family's pet hamster. She was obviously not smart enough to cover up the crime with the genius mechanism called "buying a new one that looks exactly like the one before".
Well, that's all I have for today! Sorry, I will definitely have more tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
"310-975-5732"
A new app filters out all Internet news about Charlie Sheen. The app is called "Losing".
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.
A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?
Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."
Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.
New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?
Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
"Praying For Charlie Sheen"
The Chicago Cubs have already committed 14 errors so far this spring training. Actually, it's fifteen errors, if you count the fact that they are even trying.
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Charlie Sheen was fired from “Two and a Half Men” by Warner Brothers. Now, Jon Cryer and Angus T. Jones are going to team up and create a spinoff called "Two Men".
A Romanian woman has become the world’s youngest grandmother at age 23. Why stop there? Add a transvestite hooker and a fat chick and you've got yourself an episode of "Jerry Springer".
Research says as many as a half million American teenagers have eating disorders. That is, if you don't include eating way too much as a disorder.
Gary Busey says he is praying for Charlie Sheen. I think that right there is enough to sober him up.
A California home was lifted by 300 balloons to a height of 10,000 feet. Man, the ways our government forecloses homes are getting really bizarre.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 7, 2011
"Gay Mardi Gras"
This is National Procrastination Week. The celebration is five minutes from now, no matter when you read this.
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
A new government survey says fewer teens and young adults are having pre-marital sex. To that I say, you're welcome.
Activists in San Francisco are trying to pass a law that would make male circumcision illegal there. The law is called "Keep the tip".
A study says that people make better decisions when their bladders are full. Of course, 99% of the time, that decision is to go to the bathroom.
Sydney, Australia is holding their annual Gay Mardi Gras. It's just like regular Mardi Gras, except when women lift their shirts, the men say, "Eww, gross".
Los Angeles has banned smoking even at outdoor dining areas. Now, the only thing in LA going up in smoke is Charlie Sheen's career.
A new microscope can help people see smaller objects than ever. The only thing that can't be seen in the microscope: my chances at getting a girlfriend.
A scientist for NASA has found evidence of alien life. In fact, their home planet is called "Los Angeles".
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Friday, March 4, 2011
"National Grammar Day"
Friday is National Grammar Day. I be celebratin' later tonight.
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
National Geographic Magazine says the most typical person in the world is a 28-year-old Chinese man. Great, so the typical person in the world sucks at driving.
Northwestern University is investigating a psychology professor who allowed a couple to have sex in front of a class of students. It wasn't a problem until fat people got involved.
BYU center Brandon Davies was suspended for the rest of the season for having sex. If this rule applied to the NBA, it would no longer exist.
Charlie Sheen paid $6,500 back in 1996 to buy all the left field bleacher seats at an Angels game to try to guarantee catching a home run ball. He should go to Wrigley Field and do that. There is guaranteed to hit a home run there every game. Of course, all of them are by the visiting team.
A government survey says there is a segment of the population that are over 40 and still virgins. We know, government. Steve Carell was in a movie about that.
New Jersey governor Chris Christie called Illinois governor Pat Quinn "a disaster". If Quinn is a disaster, then what does that make his predecessor, Rod Blagojevich?
The government has announced that they are cutting government programs that they are cutting redundant porgrams. My personal favorite was the Health Care Department of Health Care.
A report says that the crime rate on Twitter was up 20% last year. Expect that number to increase now that Charlie Sheen has registered.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"More Famous Than Obama"
Charlie Sheen wants to make a feature film. Too bad "Despicable Me" is already taken.
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
"Relaxed And Smart"
Oscar’s co-host actress Anne Hathaway described her evening as “an amazing experience”. Viewers of the Oscars will certainly beg to differ.
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.
Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.
Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?
Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.
Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.
Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".
Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.
A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".
An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".
Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 28, 2011
"Offering Scholarships"
Miguel Cabrera will return to the Detroit Tigers lineup this spring for the first time as a designated hitter. And pitcher Armando Galarraga is now in the lineup as Miguel's designated driver.
Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.
A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...
A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.
Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Political insiders say former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich is close to announcing his candidacy for president. Even Ralph Nader doesn't think that Newt has a chance.
A Texas group is offering scholarships for white men only. It's for people who want to attend K-K-Kollege.
A study says that humans are the world’s smelliest animal. And to all you people that hate me, I didn't help this cause. Now the world's ugliest and world's fattest animal, maybe...
A new toilet has been developed that can reportedly flush 18 golf balls at once. And yet, Oprah Winfrey still managed to clog it.
Well, that's literally all I have time for today. I'm watching Charlie Sheen being interviewed by Piers Morgan. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
"Phone Etiquette"
A 10,000 square foot medical marijuana growing emporium is set to open in Sacramento. Don't we usually call those "farms"?
A poll says that Mississippi is the most conservative state in the U.S. They are so conservative, they don't take the time to look outside their families for dating.
A poll says that phone etiquette in the U.S. is getting worse. When I heard this, I was like, "WTF R U TALKIN BOUT?!?".
7-Eleven has opened its 40,000th store. And still, not a single one of them has any class.
A new iPhone app counts down the time to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Using the app tells people, "I have absolutely nothing better to do".
It's a Saturday, it's late, and I'm tired. That's all I have for right now!
A poll says that Mississippi is the most conservative state in the U.S. They are so conservative, they don't take the time to look outside their families for dating.
A poll says that phone etiquette in the U.S. is getting worse. When I heard this, I was like, "WTF R U TALKIN BOUT?!?".
7-Eleven has opened its 40,000th store. And still, not a single one of them has any class.
A new iPhone app counts down the time to the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton. Using the app tells people, "I have absolutely nothing better to do".
It's a Saturday, it's late, and I'm tired. That's all I have for right now!
Friday, February 25, 2011
"List Of Performances"
Oscar’s co-host James Franco says his Cher song has been cut from the Sunday list of performances. This is part of the Oscar Awards and their commitment to playing good music.
The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?
An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.
Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.
U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.
“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.
Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.
A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.
84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The mayor of Providence, RI told all 1,926 teachers there that they could be laid off. I've heard of every teacher in a city getting laid, but every teacher getting laid off?
An ice cream parlor in London plans to make breast milk ice cream available in the near future. The most popular flavor: Titstachio.
Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi says the revolt in his country was caused by young people fueled by milk, Nescafe and hallucinogenic drugs. Those three things have certainly caused Charlie Sheen to screw up.
U.S. health officials are considering paying for testing for STDs in older patients on Medicare. I'm sure Hugh Hefner will change their minds pretty fast.
“American Idol” is set to launch online voting next week. Just in time for people to stop watching it.
Doctors in Colorado removed part of a cheerleader’s brain to prevent seizures. This is a tragic story because she was the only cheerleader in the U.S. with a full brain.
A California cardiac patient is being kept alive with two hearts. This means that he has more hearts than the average American, and he beat Dick Cheney in number of hearts by two.
84 year old Hugh Hefner and his 24 year old fiancee Crystal Harris have set a June wedding date. They have also reserved a spot in divorce court in September.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 24, 2011
My Tweet On Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
I have officially entered the Late Night scene! How about it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
"Women And Drugs"
Former CNN talk show host Larry King is launching a one-man comedy show starting in April. But before this starts, he has to learn how to make people laugh.
Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.
New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.
George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.
A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?
Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".
Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.
New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.
George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.
A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?
Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".
Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 21, 2011
"Concealed Weapons"
Texas is about to pass legislation that will allow college students to carry concealed weapons on campus. This is terrible news for classmates of the person that gets pissed off easily.
On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.
Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.
Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.
The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.
Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.
Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.
7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.
A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
On Saturday in Washington, DC, the wind blew down the National Christmas Tree. The last time something was blown down in Washington, I believe Clinton was president.
Los Angeles Clippers PF Blake Griffin jumped over a car to win the NBA Slam Dunk Competition. Clippers fans everywhere are confused as to what a "win" is.
Dennis Rodman may get nominated to the NBA Hall of Fame. Rodman not only played for the Bulls, but his nose ring and hot temper proves that he was literally a bull.
The NCAA has deadened aluminum baseball bats used by college teams to make them behave more like wood. Of course, they are completely ignoring the other option: giving them wood bats.
Justin Bieber played in the NBA All-Star celebrity game and was named MVP. I wonder if desperate teenage girls had anything to do with the voting.
Malaysian Police have arrested three men in connection with the theft of 725,000 condoms. At least they are prepared for prison.
7’2” pitcher Frank Szczepanik of Barry University in Florida is the tallest college baseball player ever. Not surprisingly, everyone on the team looks up to him.
A video game developer proposed to his co-worker girlfriend by writing “Will you marry me?” in a game he designed. It's the first time I have seen "Video game developer" and "girlfriend" in the same sentence.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
"Toxic Ingredients"
The L.A. TV reporter who broke down into gibberish on air at the Grammys was suffering a migraine headache. She must have heard Justin Bieber's performance.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.
A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".
A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.
Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.
A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says that President Obama can’t spell his own name. Speaking of Presidents who can't spell their own name, President Bush is doing great.
A gang attacked a 21 year old man in Ireland and forced him to eat his own ear. His new nickname is "Beethoven".
A German study says there are toxic ingredients in tattoo ink. In an unrelated story, Dennis Rodman has been admitted to the hospital.
Researchers at UCLA have reportedly found the cure for baldness. It's called a wig.
A new study says that people who smoke and have head and neck cancers are more likely to have more health problems than people who don't. Because if I have cancer, the first thing I want to do is smoke.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 18, 2011
"Mubarak's Ouster"
On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.
A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.
A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?
The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.
The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.
The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?
66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.
More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.
A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?
The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.
The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.
The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?
66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.
More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
"Lazy Whiners"
Thursday is Paris Hilton’s 30th birthday. That's approximately one year per I.Q. point.
A Pennsylvania high school teacher caused an uproar when she called her students “lazy whiners” in her blog. That's weird, usually, my parents are calling me and my brother that.
Borders bookstore filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. How can you file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy when almost none of your customers can get past chapter one?
Justin Bieber says that health care in Canada is much better than it is in the U.S. If health care was better in Canada, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
That's all! Sorry, but that's all I got for right now!
A Pennsylvania high school teacher caused an uproar when she called her students “lazy whiners” in her blog. That's weird, usually, my parents are calling me and my brother that.
Borders bookstore filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. How can you file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy when almost none of your customers can get past chapter one?
Justin Bieber says that health care in Canada is much better than it is in the U.S. If health care was better in Canada, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.
That's all! Sorry, but that's all I got for right now!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Free Condoms"
Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 14, 2011
"Encouraging Couples"
Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".
This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.
A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.
John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.
Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.
President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.
Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.
A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.
A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.
McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 12, 2011
"Bomb-Resistant Boxers"
A study says that alcohol abuse is responsible for 4% of the deaths world wide every year. It would really be ironic if someone gave a toast at that funeral.
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he plans to return to make movies. This is great news for both of his movie fans.
A poll says that 35% of Americans say the country’s most important problem is unemployment. The other 65% have a job.
The Department of Agriculture says the cost of raising a child is $286,000, not including college. And for me, that's just the cost of food.
Charlie Sheen talked to the UCLA baseball team and told them to “stay off crack and drink chocolate milk.” In Charlie Sheen language, that means "Don't do anal and have sex with a black chick".
Lindsay Lohan says she was not raised to lie, cheat or steal. If that's the case, her parents did one crappy job.
Moody’s has given Playboy’s corporate debt a B-2 rating. When Hugh Hefner heard the rating, he thought he got bingo.
Bomb resistant boxers are being manufactured by a New York company. Aren't those called "diapers".
Two horses collapsed and died under mysterious circumstances Saturday before a race. At least they didn't die a painful death. Their jockeys were going to be Oprah Winfrey and Kirstie Alley.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 11, 2011
"Staying Single"
Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.
Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.
Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.
A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...
Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.
Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.
A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.
Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.
Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.
Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.
Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.
The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 10, 2011
"Harry Baals"
First Lady Michelle Obama says her two daughters do not have accounts on Facebook. She added that they do not have Myspace accounts, which disappointed thousands of middle-aged perverts.
Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.
Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.
An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.
A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.
First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?
A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?
A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.
Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.
New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.
An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.
A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".
Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.
Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.
An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.
A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.
First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?
A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?
A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.
Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.
New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.
An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.
A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Feeding Him Popcorn"
First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
"Unusual Visitors"
Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 7, 2011
"Left-Handed Parrots"
A new study says that there are more left-handed parrots than right-handed parrots. What do you call annoying animals who tend to be more on the left? CNN.
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
"Coffee And An Aspirin"
Former National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski says that Egypt won’t become a democracy overnight. It will become a democracy the day someone can spell his name correctly.
Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.
American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.
A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.
A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.
Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.
American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.
A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.
A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.
Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, February 4, 2011
"Available Online"
Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Thursday, February 3, 2011
"Cold Weather"
Today at sunset the traditional Chinese Lunar New Year 4709 begins; it is the Year of the Rabbit. In a related story, Elmer Fudd hates China.
CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.
An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.
Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.
Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.
A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.
A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.
An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.
Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.
Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.
A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.
A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
"His Final Round"
It was on this date in 1950 that the popular and long-running game show “What’s My Line” premiered on television. It was created in honor of the on-the-set acting by the cast of Baywatch.
A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.
Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.
Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.
The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.
Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.
“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.
PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".
A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.
Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.
Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.
The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.
Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.
“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.
PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".
A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"Rehab At Home"
February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 31, 2011
'Safe For Women"
Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 27, 2011
"Neck Cancers"
Rep. Dennis Kucinich is suing the Congressional cafeteria for an olive pit that he found in a sandwich. He's also pissed because the sandwich is taller than he is.
Singer Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Australia and was rushed to the hospital. That's the last time he ever drinks a margarita during Margaritaville.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he’ll reduce his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage next season. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler's salary is going to be reduced to $1 regardless of whether he plays or not.
Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Utah naming a state gun is like Kentucky naming a state rocket scientist.
Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest galaxy, and it is described as a small, hot affair that blazed to life during the childhood of the cosmos. Like Larry King's first marriage.
The body of former Italian quiz show host Mike Bongiorno was stolen from its grave. Bongiorno hosted numerous Italian quiz shows, while the thief was playing "Press Your Luck".
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" admitted her failed hookup with Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is one of her biggest regrets. Really, Snooki? Three drunken years on an MTV show and THAT'S one of your biggest regrets?
A new study says that the rise in head and neck cancers is a result of more oral sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton is undergoing chemotherapy.
A new study says that unhealthy eating can lead to depression. Which leads to more unhealthy eating, which leads to more depression...
Nintendo's profit has gone down 74%. It's so bad, their new currency is shiny stars with faces on them.
A study says that people sleep better when their bedroom is clean and comfortable. This study was conducted by moms everywhere.
An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. What? It's not like anyone's going to buy it.
That's all I have for today! More later!
Singer Jimmy Buffett fell off the stage during a concert in Australia and was rushed to the hospital. That's the last time he ever drinks a margarita during Margaritaville.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell says he’ll reduce his salary to $1 if there is a work stoppage next season. Meanwhile in Chicago, Jay Cutler's salary is going to be reduced to $1 regardless of whether he plays or not.
Utah state lawmakers may name the Browning M1911 the official state gun. Utah naming a state gun is like Kentucky naming a state rocket scientist.
Scientists believe they have found the world's oldest galaxy, and it is described as a small, hot affair that blazed to life during the childhood of the cosmos. Like Larry King's first marriage.
The body of former Italian quiz show host Mike Bongiorno was stolen from its grave. Bongiorno hosted numerous Italian quiz shows, while the thief was playing "Press Your Luck".
Snooki from "Jersey Shore" admitted her failed hookup with Jersey Shore's Vinny Guadagnino is one of her biggest regrets. Really, Snooki? Three drunken years on an MTV show and THAT'S one of your biggest regrets?
A new study says that the rise in head and neck cancers is a result of more oral sex. In a related story, Paris Hilton is undergoing chemotherapy.
A new study says that unhealthy eating can lead to depression. Which leads to more unhealthy eating, which leads to more depression...
Nintendo's profit has gone down 74%. It's so bad, their new currency is shiny stars with faces on them.
A study says that people sleep better when their bedroom is clean and comfortable. This study was conducted by moms everywhere.
An Arkansas supermarket has changed its decision to hide a magazine cover which features Elton John, his partner and their baby. What? It's not like anyone's going to buy it.
That's all I have for today! More later!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
"On The Shelves"
“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.
Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.
A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.
A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.
A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.
Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.
Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.
A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.
A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.
A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".
A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monologue Jokes Special: State of the Union Address
Tonight was Barack Obama's State of the Union Address. It was amazing how he turned "We're screwed" into a two hour speech.
President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".
Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.
When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?
President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.
Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.
President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.
President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.
President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.
President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?
President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?
President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.
President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.
President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?
President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.
President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.
President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.
President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.
President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.
President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...
President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.
President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.
President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.
President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.
President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.
President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.
President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".
President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.
President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.
President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.
President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.
President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.
President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.
President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.
President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.
President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.
President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?
President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.
President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.
President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".
President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.
President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.
President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".
There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.
Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!
President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".
Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.
When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?
President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.
Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.
President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.
President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.
President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.
President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?
President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?
President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.
President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.
President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?
President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.
President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.
President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.
President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.
President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.
President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...
President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.
President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.
President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.
President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.
President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.
President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.
President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".
President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.
President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.
President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.
President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.
President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.
President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.
President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.
President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.
President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.
President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?
President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.
President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.
President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".
President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.
President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.
President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".
There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.
Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
