"Google, Kansas"

Starbucks is trying out a 31 ounce iced drink it is selling for $2.60. They are calling it "water".

Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.

A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.

Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.

The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.

The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.

NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".

President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.

A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?

Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".

The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.

Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!

"He Won't Allow Heckling"

Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."

Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.

A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".

Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".

Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"

The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"

The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.

A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.

Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".

That's it for now! More soon.