Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Nancy Pelosi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nancy Pelosi. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Sunday, November 7, 2010
"Damn Right"
In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.
Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".
Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.
German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?
The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.
Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 1, 2010
"Food Porn"
The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Nancy Pelosi Was Ecstatic"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was ecstatic Sunday night as the House passed the health care reform bill. As a matter of fact, she was so ecstatic that she actually changed facial expressions.
Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.
Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.
In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.
Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.
MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.
If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.
On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.
President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.
The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.
A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.
According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.
PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.
Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.
Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.
That's it for right now! More tomorrow.
Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.
Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.
In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.
Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.
MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.
If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.
On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.
President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.
The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.
A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.
According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.
PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.
Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.
Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.
That's it for right now! More tomorrow.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
"33,000 Empty Homes"
A late-night confession by Utah's House majority leader about sitting nude in a hot tub with a minor 25 years ago has shocked this conservative state's political establishment. A man in Utah did that with only one person?
Men are more likely than women to be interested in sex, have sex and enjoy sex, according to new scientific research. Wait, this research is new?
Simon Cowell’s engagement apparently came as a surprise to many of his associates. Especially Ryan Seacrest, who was seriously heartbroken.
Orange County, California has filed a lawsuit against Toyota for making unsafe vehicles. So has the entire world.
Detroit has 33,000 empty homes inside the city limits. This is due in large part to a migration known as "Operation What Are We Doing In Detroit".
A study shows why some people are able to quickly get over fighting with a spouse. It's called a divorce.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Saturday she's confident the House will pass health care legislation. She hasn't stopped smiling because of her confidence. And because she's Nancy Pelosi.
According to a study, a student who sees the letter “A” before an exam will do better on a test. In other words, if a student sees the letter A before a test, odds are they are going to see the letter A when they get it back.
Larry King is really starting to get into Twitter. He wonders why something like this wasn't around when he was a child. Of course, it would have helped if paper was invented back then.
A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. This study is being referred to as "The End of the Human Race".
A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. The only people who are unaffected by this statistic are people that work on Wall Street. None of those people even have a heart.
Howard Stern is under heavy criticism for his fat jokes about Gabourey Sidibe. Of course, Howard Stern referred to the criticism as "Gabourey Sidibe Criticism".
A man in Korea recently married his pillow. When asked why, the man said, "I may as well. I mean, I have slept with her every night."
Jets coach Rex Ryan underwent a weight-loss procedure Saturday to help him fight obesity. So I guess the Jets aren't the only "Biggest Losers".
That's it for today, everyone! I hope to have more jokes soon!
Men are more likely than women to be interested in sex, have sex and enjoy sex, according to new scientific research. Wait, this research is new?
Simon Cowell’s engagement apparently came as a surprise to many of his associates. Especially Ryan Seacrest, who was seriously heartbroken.
Orange County, California has filed a lawsuit against Toyota for making unsafe vehicles. So has the entire world.
Detroit has 33,000 empty homes inside the city limits. This is due in large part to a migration known as "Operation What Are We Doing In Detroit".
A study shows why some people are able to quickly get over fighting with a spouse. It's called a divorce.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Saturday she's confident the House will pass health care legislation. She hasn't stopped smiling because of her confidence. And because she's Nancy Pelosi.
According to a study, a student who sees the letter “A” before an exam will do better on a test. In other words, if a student sees the letter A before a test, odds are they are going to see the letter A when they get it back.
Larry King is really starting to get into Twitter. He wonders why something like this wasn't around when he was a child. Of course, it would have helped if paper was invented back then.
A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. This study is being referred to as "The End of the Human Race".
A study says that the risk of heart attacks goes up if the stock market goes down. The only people who are unaffected by this statistic are people that work on Wall Street. None of those people even have a heart.
Howard Stern is under heavy criticism for his fat jokes about Gabourey Sidibe. Of course, Howard Stern referred to the criticism as "Gabourey Sidibe Criticism".
A man in Korea recently married his pillow. When asked why, the man said, "I may as well. I mean, I have slept with her every night."
Jets coach Rex Ryan underwent a weight-loss procedure Saturday to help him fight obesity. So I guess the Jets aren't the only "Biggest Losers".
That's it for today, everyone! I hope to have more jokes soon!
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