Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.
In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.
President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.
There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.
Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.
The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.
Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.
A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.
Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.
Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?
A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Arizona. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Arizona. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
"Cold Weather"
Today at sunset the traditional Chinese Lunar New Year 4709 begins; it is the Year of the Rabbit. In a related story, Elmer Fudd hates China.
CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.
An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.
Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.
Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.
A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.
A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
CNN's Anderson Cooper was beaten up in Egypt. Usually, if someone from CNN is beaten up, it's by a guy from FOX News.
An Italian researcher says it was an effeminate male who posed for Leonardo da Vinci’s famous “Mona Lisa” painting. I didn't know Clay Aiken was that old.
Medical researchers have trained a Labrador retriever to sniff out colon cancer in their patients. This only adds to the stereotype of dogs sniffing butts.
Conan O'Brien accidentally walked into Jennifer Aniston's dressing room while she was half-naked. This just in, every guy over 40 in America wishes they were Conan.
A new study says that college isn't for everyone. Especially people who have a dream of working at Walmart.
A golf tournament in Arizona was canceled because of cold weather. In fact, Arizona officials say that it was so cold, temperatures reached as low as 50 degrees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Junior Lollipops"
Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James is engaged to marry “LA Ink” tattoo star Kat Von D. I wonder what would incline a man like Jesse James to marry a person known for tattoos.
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, December 10, 2010
"A Paper Copy"
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
"Simpsonese"
Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 29, 2010
"A Free Joint"
Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
"His Opponent's Stench"
Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are getting a divorce. Mainly because Billy Ray had feelings for another woman. His daughter.
A Colorado man told police he shot himself while sleepwalking and remembered nothing about it. I'm no Albert Einstein, but if you can describe what happened, you clearly remembered something about it.
A California congressional candidate mailed a scratch-and-sniff ad representing his opponent’s stench in Washington. Come on, dude. That idea stinks.
Arizona executed a guy on Tuesday. The crime? Not showing his papers to the police.
The head of British Airways blasted U.S. airport security as being “useless”. He's just finding this out?
NASA is proposing a mission where astronauts would be flown to Mars and left there forever. The person most suggested: Nancy Pelosi.
15 people were killed in a car wash shooting in Mexico. 15 people in Mexico? That's like an entire Toyota Prius.
Archaeologists claim they have found the site of the wedding of Pocahontas in 1614. This comes as a shock to both people that actually care.
The original Darth Vader costume from “Star Wars” will be up for auction. The buyer may be single, but ladies, at least he's got a lot of money.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Colorado man told police he shot himself while sleepwalking and remembered nothing about it. I'm no Albert Einstein, but if you can describe what happened, you clearly remembered something about it.
A California congressional candidate mailed a scratch-and-sniff ad representing his opponent’s stench in Washington. Come on, dude. That idea stinks.
Arizona executed a guy on Tuesday. The crime? Not showing his papers to the police.
The head of British Airways blasted U.S. airport security as being “useless”. He's just finding this out?
NASA is proposing a mission where astronauts would be flown to Mars and left there forever. The person most suggested: Nancy Pelosi.
15 people were killed in a car wash shooting in Mexico. 15 people in Mexico? That's like an entire Toyota Prius.
Archaeologists claim they have found the site of the wedding of Pocahontas in 1614. This comes as a shock to both people that actually care.
The original Darth Vader costume from “Star Wars” will be up for auction. The buyer may be single, but ladies, at least he's got a lot of money.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, August 30, 2010
"Closer To Stalling"
Joke of the Day: A massacre caused by a mushroom hunter in Italy has caused 18 deaths. Or, as we call that in America, "Super Mario Brothers".
Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".
Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.
More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".
The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.
A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.
Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.
John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.
Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.
Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.
That's all for now! More later!
Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".
Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.
More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".
The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.
A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.
Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.
John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.
Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.
Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.
That's all for now! More later!
Monday, June 21, 2010
"Imported Australian Honeybees"
Joke of the Day: Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.
British Petroleum handed the job of repairing its image off to an American in hopes that US citizens will be able to better relate. They won't do anything, and when they do, they are unsuccessful. They couldn't relate to Americans any better.
Scientists believe imported Australian honeybees may be responsible to the declining numbers of bees in this country. Isn't it a little redundant when bringing more bees in the country actually brings their population down?
In New York, a door-to-door vacuum salesman was charged with damaging a homeowner’s $1,300 bed mattress. The salesman will be sued for the price of the mattress, also known as his life savings.
In northeastern Pennsylvania, rattlesnake rustlers are rounding up snakes for a big annual carnival. It's no big deal. It's nothing but a bunch of insurance companies with booths.
Actress Angelina Jolie has quietly returned to Haiti for meetings with Haitian and U.N. officials. Haitians were skeptical until they saw Jolie with a large stack of adoption papers.
A wildfire in Arizona forced hundreds to evacuate. In response, Arizona said, "Wait, by hundreds, please tell me you mean hundreds of Mexicans.".
That's all for right now! More later!
British Petroleum handed the job of repairing its image off to an American in hopes that US citizens will be able to better relate. They won't do anything, and when they do, they are unsuccessful. They couldn't relate to Americans any better.
Scientists believe imported Australian honeybees may be responsible to the declining numbers of bees in this country. Isn't it a little redundant when bringing more bees in the country actually brings their population down?
In New York, a door-to-door vacuum salesman was charged with damaging a homeowner’s $1,300 bed mattress. The salesman will be sued for the price of the mattress, also known as his life savings.
In northeastern Pennsylvania, rattlesnake rustlers are rounding up snakes for a big annual carnival. It's no big deal. It's nothing but a bunch of insurance companies with booths.
Actress Angelina Jolie has quietly returned to Haiti for meetings with Haitian and U.N. officials. Haitians were skeptical until they saw Jolie with a large stack of adoption papers.
A wildfire in Arizona forced hundreds to evacuate. In response, Arizona said, "Wait, by hundreds, please tell me you mean hundreds of Mexicans.".
That's all for right now! More later!
Monday, May 17, 2010
"Another Player's Shoe"
Joke of the Day: An immigrant won Sunday night's Miss USA pageant. One thing's for sure: She wasn't Miss Arizona.
A mile-long tube installed by BP is sucking away the oil that has been gushing out of the broken pipeline in the Gulf of Mexico. BP is also sucking money out of our wallets by raising gas prices by $2.00 a gallon.
The current flight of the space shuttle Atlantis is scheduled to be its final flight. It will land underwater where it will stay for the rest of eternity.
A 94-year-old California woman graduated from Mills College in Oakland, finally earning her college degree. The other thing that woman just crossed off her bucket list: host Saturday Night Live.
A California high school girl’s softball coach forced 8 players who struck out during a recent game to drink soda from another player’s shoe. Their choices were to drink soda from the shoe or drink Diet Coke from the can.
Rumors on the Internet say that one of LeBron James’ Cavaliers teammates has been sleeping with his mother. Even more reason for him to leave Cleveland.
A new study says that burgers and fries worsen asthma. The conductors of the study apparently made the participants walk to and from McDonald's.
BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. Or, as BP calls it, one fill-up.
Las Vegas is reacting to the housing bust by building thousands of new homes. That's like trying to cure the obesity epidemic by doubling production at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
The Kansas City Royals have fired third base coach Dave Owen. The Royals didn't think he was necessary because, of course, nobody on the Kansas City Royals can get to third base.
A survey says small business owners are more upbeat about the economy. That's because they are still among the very few Americans who actually has a job.
A group of unhappy Facebook users are promoting a “Quit Facebook Day” on May 31 to protest the latest changes to the Facebook privacy policy. To those unhappy Facebook users, there's this crazy thing called "Deleting Your Account".
Some scientists are estimating that the oil leak in the Gulf has sent a miles-long underwater plume of oil heading straight for the Florida Keys. In a related story, the Cubans have found a shortcut to Miami.
That's all I have for right now. More later!
A mile-long tube installed by BP is sucking away the oil that has been gushing out of the broken pipeline in the Gulf of Mexico. BP is also sucking money out of our wallets by raising gas prices by $2.00 a gallon.
The current flight of the space shuttle Atlantis is scheduled to be its final flight. It will land underwater where it will stay for the rest of eternity.
A 94-year-old California woman graduated from Mills College in Oakland, finally earning her college degree. The other thing that woman just crossed off her bucket list: host Saturday Night Live.
A California high school girl’s softball coach forced 8 players who struck out during a recent game to drink soda from another player’s shoe. Their choices were to drink soda from the shoe or drink Diet Coke from the can.
Rumors on the Internet say that one of LeBron James’ Cavaliers teammates has been sleeping with his mother. Even more reason for him to leave Cleveland.
A new study says that burgers and fries worsen asthma. The conductors of the study apparently made the participants walk to and from McDonald's.
BP says the Gulf oil spill cleanup has cost the company $450 Million so far. Or, as BP calls it, one fill-up.
Las Vegas is reacting to the housing bust by building thousands of new homes. That's like trying to cure the obesity epidemic by doubling production at Willy Wonka's chocolate factory.
The Kansas City Royals have fired third base coach Dave Owen. The Royals didn't think he was necessary because, of course, nobody on the Kansas City Royals can get to third base.
A survey says small business owners are more upbeat about the economy. That's because they are still among the very few Americans who actually has a job.
A group of unhappy Facebook users are promoting a “Quit Facebook Day” on May 31 to protest the latest changes to the Facebook privacy policy. To those unhappy Facebook users, there's this crazy thing called "Deleting Your Account".
Some scientists are estimating that the oil leak in the Gulf has sent a miles-long underwater plume of oil heading straight for the Florida Keys. In a related story, the Cubans have found a shortcut to Miami.
That's all I have for right now. More later!
Friday, May 14, 2010
"Denied Eating Baby Food"
Joke of the Day: Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. The NRA members were confused when Palin repeatedly told them that she would continue to fight for their First Amendment rights.
Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.
Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".
The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.
Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.
May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".
Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.
A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".
President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"
More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".
A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.
A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!
That's all I have for right now. More later!
Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.
Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".
The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.
Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.
May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".
Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.
A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".
President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"
More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".
A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.
A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!
That's all I have for right now. More later!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
"Targeting Ethnic Studies"
Joke of the Day: Florida Governor Charlie Crist says he wants BP to pay $35 Million for a tourism ad campaign. Oddly enough, it's a cruise.
The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.
A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.
Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".
Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.
A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.
A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.
The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.
Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Republican Party selected Tampa as the sight of their 2012 presidential nominating convention. Tampa is in Florida, which means that John McCain doesn't have to travel very far.
A group of former astronauts have written to Pres. Obama to tell him that his budget for space exploration is “a blueprint for a mission to nowhere”. Or, as Obama calls it, his list of promises to the American people.
Florida Gov. Charlie Crist signed the paperwork that officially made him an independent candidate and severed ties with the Republican Party. Usually when a Republican severs ties, he follows that up by telling a girl to "Keep the change".
Next week, talk show host Larry King will interview Rolling Stones singer Mick Jagger. They will both reminisce about their favorite childhood moment: The grand opening of Stonehenge.
A 22-year-old man was arrested after posing as a 16-year-old high school sophomore basketball player in Odessa, Texas. He either wanted to have an advantage on the court, or he wanted to legally have sex with a teacher.
A study says that caffeine reduces on the job mistakes. Actually, the participants of the study were faking it so they could keep the coffeemaker.
The Governor of Arizona has signed a bill targeting ethnic studies, with the state’s school chief saying public schools shouldn’t encourage students to resent a particular race. You know, like Arizona does with Mexicans.
Microscopic robots made from DNA can reportedly walk, follow instructions and work together. All we know is that these robots are really good at taking a sobriety test.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
"Los Suns"
Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.
Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.
The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.
Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.
The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.
A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".
A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?
Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.
That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!
Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.
The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.
Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.
The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.
A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.
A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.
Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".
A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?
Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.
That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!
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