Former CNN talk show host Larry King is launching a one-man comedy show starting in April. But before this starts, he has to learn how to make people laugh.
Carmelo Anthony was traded from the Denver Nuggets to the New York Knicks. Considering the Nuggets' main color, the official soda of the Denver Nuggets is no longer Melo Yellow.
New York Knicks star Amar’e Stoudemire is launching a women’s fashion line. Just in time for Carmelo Anthony.
George Clooney says his past with women and drugs would probably keep him out of ever running for political office. If women and drugs ruin your political career, sorry Charlie.
A Kansas woman gave birth inside a hospital elevator. Why can't the elevator door stay open like that?
Justin Bieber has gotten a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Bieber puts the "Madame" in "Madame Tussauds".
Former Connecticut Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell is considering an invitation to appear on “Dancing With the Stars”, but says it would be tough as she has “two left feet”. I thought her feet were curled up.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Christine O'Donnell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christine O'Donnell. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Amish Romance Novels"
Qatar has beaten the U.S., Australia, Japan and South Korea to host the 2022 World Cup. That's like having The Situation audition for a Bowflex ad and they end up choosing me.
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, October 18, 2010
"Mental Disorders"
“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.
Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.
Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.
A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.
A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".
A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.
The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.
The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.
Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.
A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.
Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.
Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.
A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.
A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".
A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.
The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.
The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.
Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.
A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.
Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"The Creepy Line"
What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 1, 2010
"Food Porn"
The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, September 20, 2010
"Contagious Yawning"
Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell says she dabbled in witchcraft more than a decade ago in high school. Larry King even remembers the days when witchcraft was punishable by death.
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
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