Singer Kelly Clarkson endorsed Ron Paul for President. Trust me, she is known for making bad decisions. Just ask her nutrition coach.
China is pushing to have an astronaut on the Moon by 2020. Well hey, at least we're beating China at SOMETHING.
The owner of the Bunny Ranch is opening a brothel for fans of Star Wars. This is for nerds looking to get Leia'd.
Jon Huntsman calls Ron Paul “unelectable”. Which is strange, because I have that nickname for all the GOP candidates.
Katy Perry and Russell Brand are getting divorced. I can't believe anyone would want to marry that annoying woman. And Katy Perry isn't that great, either.
Kelly Clarkson reportedly lost Twitter followers after she endorsed Ron Paul for President. I would've thought it was because of her music.
The designer behind Apple's products was knighted in England. I didn't know you could knight a casket.
And that's all I have for 2011! Let me sum up 2011 with one tweet:
2011 disappeared faster than Osama bin Laden, Moammar Qaddafi, and Kim Jong Il combined.
It's been a crazy as hell year. Let's hope 2012 is much better than 2011!!!!!!!
Showing posts with label Moammar Qaddafi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Moammar Qaddafi. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, October 21, 2011
"The Luckiest Town"
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Straw Poll"
The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, September 12, 2011
"A Young Dad"
One of Moammar Qaddafi’s sons has fled Libya and is hiding in the neighboring nation of Niger. And be very careful when pronouncing "Niger".
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new scientific study says babies can feel pain a couple of weeks prior to childbirth. Especially when the mom is Casey Anthony.
Samantha Stosur won the US Women's Open. Congratulations to her and the US Men's Open champion, Serena Williams.
AOL wants to merge with Yahoo. Their plan is to form the worst company in the history of the world.
Four men in Britain were arrested for enslaving 24 men and forcing them to work for no pay. They were charged with impersonating the 1860's.
Michelle Obama visited the U.S. Open and received some tips from John McEnroe. And apparently, so did Serena Williams.
Justin Bieber would like to be a “young dad”. Hey Bieber, I think that requires a penis.
Jon Gosselin told his ex-wife Kate that reality TV is not a career. And if there's anybody in the world that knows what a career is, it's Jon Gosselin.
Google is telling Iranian e-mail users to change their passwords to avoid online attacks. Since when are they allowed to have e-mail?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Snakes In His Pants"
Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
"Resigned As CEO"
Steve Jobs has resigned as CEO of Apple. Congratulations to Apple's new CEO: Steve Jobs 2.
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A valedictorian in Singapore dropped the F-bomb in her graduation speech. I didn't know valedictorians knew what an "F" was.
Rapper Lil' Wayne hit his head in a skateboarding accident, causing minor injuries. He's the first rapper to ever get an injury that didn't involve a bullet.
Toyota and Ford are collaborating on a hybrid truck. If you don't know what a hybrid truck is, they are cars that run on gasoline and cigarette smoke.
Libyan rebels broke into the massive Tripoli compound of dictator Moammar Qaddafi. And what do you know, he was watching himself on TV!
Disney channel actresses Brenda Song and London Tipton are both pregnant. God, you aren't usually this slutty unless you're a Disney star.
A Tennessee couple with 18 children say they are praying for more. I'm guessing it's a Mexican couple.
NASCAR driver Kyle Busch has plead guilty to driving 128 mph. Leave your work at the office, dude.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
"Johnny Jolly"
NATO says the conflict in Libya could last 90 days. 90 days of bombs; sounds like a movie marathon on Showtime.
“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.
A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?
GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.
Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.
A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.
Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.
Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.
A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?
GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.
Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.
A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.
Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.
Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, March 19, 2011
"Common Forgetfulness"
A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?
A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.
Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?
Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.
Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.
Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.
President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.
Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?
Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?
Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.
406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.
Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.
Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.
President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, March 3, 2011
"More Famous Than Obama"
Charlie Sheen wants to make a feature film. Too bad "Despicable Me" is already taken.
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.
Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.
Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.
A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".
A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.
Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?
The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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