"I Thought They Were Volunteers"

A fan ran on the field during Super Bowl LV. The fan on the field got more rushing yards than the whole Chiefs offense.

Native American activists are protesting the nickname "Chiefs". It's part of their unprecedented movement to have two NFL franchises with the nickname "Football Team".

The Weeknd is promising a PG-rated halftime performance at the Super Bowl. This means Disney is going to come in and draw a cloud in the background that looks like a dick.

Marilyn Manson has been accused of abuse by several ex-girlfriends. In response to the allegations, he said, "Who am I to disagree?"

Poet Amanda Gorman recited and read a poem at the Super Bowl. This has upset many conservatives, mainly because she knows how to read and they don't.

Seattle Seahawks player Chad Wheeler was accused of abusing his girlfriend and making her bow to him. That's crazy. There's a Seattle Seahawks player that wants his significant other to bow to him and it's NOT Russell Wilson?

Singer Trey Songz reportedly assaulted a police officer at a Chiefs game. It was the first time he's had a hit in five years.

On his first day in office, President Biden undid Trump's policies on covid. It was a weird way to find out that Trump had policies on covid. 

Donald Trump left the White House while YMCA was playing. It was incredibly ironic considering he never put his pride on the shelf. 

University of Tennessee football players were reportedly paid improper benefits to play football there. It's crazy, because this whole time, I thought they were Volunteers. 

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter over harassment allegations. This is despite the fact that he acquired SS Francisco Lindor for prospects and 55 "Hey beautiful" messages to be sent later.

An NFL game aired on Nickelodeon. It's excellent for children who want to experience the excitement and thrill of hearing a player say the n-word on the hot mic. 

Donald Trump has been banned from Pinterest. It means he'll have to find a new website to look for the best well done steak with ketchup recipes.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. Thin people everywhere celebrate by drinking Diet Coke.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. It sucks that Trump got banned from Twitter before he got caught accidentally sending out a picture of his dick to Ivanka. 

Several Donald Trump supporters stormed and vandalized the Capitol Building. In response, Trump mistakenly ordered the National Guard to Capitol Garden and Lawn Care.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick tested positive for COVID-19, a disease that can spread by way of close contact with another person's face. This means that the hands of all Raiders defensive linemen must quarantine for two weeks.

Well, that's all I have for right now. It's been a brutal quarantine, and it was a rough 2020 for a lot of people, myself included. I haven't been doing standup as much as I would've liked to (partly because it's all been shut down, which has put a massive dagger in my plans for the year. I'm essentially doing maybe one or two sets a month maximum, but I'm still writing, which is good.

After quarantine, I plan to hit the ground running with standup comedy. I have a bunch of new material in the bank, I want to start trying to achieve my goal of becoming a feature act down the line, and I want to go to places I've never been before, and returning to places I've already been. And who knows - I may want to move out of the city (it's been on my mind for AWHILE).

Stay tuned for more dick jokes, y'all. 

"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

"Lost Profits"

A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. Now I know why Oprah always shouts; she just couldn't hear herself talk.

David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.

A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.

Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.

President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.

People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?

Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.

A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?

Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.

The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.

Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.

Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!

"Aggravated Child Abuse"

Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.

Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.

The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.

The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.

A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...

A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.

A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?

A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Unwanted Scrap"

Joke of the Day: A pitbull has reportedly taken Viagra to help him stay alive. If the pitbull takes Viagra and stays alive for more than four hours, he must call his doctor.

Tiger Woods has reportedly entered the British Open. Seriously though, what hasn't he entered?

Michelle Obama joined Partnership for a Healthier America in announcing an important first step towards solving childhood obesity within a generation by reducing 1.5 trillion product calories by the end of 2015. Or, as Kirstie Alley calls it, lunch.

Warren Buffett will auction off another lunch to raise money for charity. The winner will win lunch with Warren at the restaurant that he owns: The All-You-Can-Eat Buffett.

GM says it has a “good chance” of making a profit in 2010. That's like the Oakland Raiders saying they have a "good chance" of making the playoffs next year.

Oil prices are down 20% since early May. This came about because people realized they can get oil at the ocean for free.

Fox will shrink “American Idol” next year to a half hour show. It's nice to know that something on "American Idol" is shrinking besides Simon Cowell's T-Shirts.

BP says that it may try to plug the oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with unwanted scrap. Finally, my monologue scripts are coming to good use!

A 23-year-old man is accused of falsifying his resume to dupe Harvard out of thousands of dollars in financial aid and scholarships. Here's what I think: If you are smart enough to fool Harvard, you are probably smart enough to enroll there.

That's all I have for right now! More later!