Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Stupid Ideas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Stupid Ideas. Show all posts
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
"A Bookless Library"
President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
"A Drunk Diet"
Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.
Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.
In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.
An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.
A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.
Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
"Free Condoms"
Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?
New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".
An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.
Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?
A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.
Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.
Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.
An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.
Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?
O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.
Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, February 7, 2011
"Left-Handed Parrots"
A new study says that there are more left-handed parrots than right-handed parrots. What do you call annoying animals who tend to be more on the left? CNN.
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A man in Indianapolis is in critical condition after he repeatedly stabbed himself in the throat when police came to his house to arrest him. His throat is so damaged that he can't talk at all. Hey Joe Biden, you should try that sometime.
On this date in 1988, the TV crime show “America’s Most Wanted” premiered. Every Saturday for 22 years, John Walsh has practically been saying "Marco".
Prior to the start of the Super Bowl Sunday, Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem and screwed up the words. Of course, considering her annoying singing style, nobody could tell the difference.
The Cleveland Cavaliers have lost a record 24th straight game. Tonight, they are expected to lose their 25th straight when they play Girl Scout troop #213.
Prisoners in Kansas held a pizza party during the Super Bowl as part of a fundraiser they paid for themselves. Police in Kansas refuse to ask themselves how the prisoners got the money.
Thieves in Malaysia have stolen $1.5 Million worth of condoms. At least when they get arrested, they won't have to worry about any kids.
Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom have designed a unisex fragrance. It helps people smell good, but whether you are male or female is not important. Now I know how Justin Bieber gets so many girls.
18 people were killed while riding on the roof of a train in India. One person's last words were: "What tunnel?".
Pennsylvania steel workers were ordered to stay on the job during the Super Bowl that features hometown favorite Pittsburgh Steelers. If I were a Steelers fan, I would rather work in a steel mill than watch the Super Bowl anyway.
Justin Bieber’s character on CSI will reportedly be killed off. This just in, female viewership of CSI is down 94%.
An Italian company is developing air bags for snow skiers. It's perfect for people who probably shouldn't be skiing in the first place.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Using An Electric Eel"
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday. To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.
A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky. And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.
The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents. For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)
MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery. You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.
An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree. This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?
The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU. That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.
A report says that good looking couples have more daughters. In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.
A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder. That's peculiar for him. He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?
72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years. I am already getting visuals that I don't want.
Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark. "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".
Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients. What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?
The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie. The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
"Simpsonese"
Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".
A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?
Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.
A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.
Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.
A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?
The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.
A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.
Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".
LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?
A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.
What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"Wine Grape Crop"
US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.
In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?
Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.
In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.
The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".
A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.
A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.
A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.
A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.
The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.
The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?
A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.
An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?
A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?
Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?
Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.
In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.
The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".
A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.
A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.
A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.
A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.
The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.
The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?
A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.
An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?
A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?
Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".
NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
"Only In English"
Joke of the Day: A man is battling for his right to go inside the Ohio Statehouse barefoot. To which George Bush said, "Do you want to come to my next speech?".
It was on this date in 1913 that the zipper was patented. It was also on this date that the phrase "Your fly is down" was invented.
A flight from Houston to DC was diverted to Greensboro Wednesday after the word “bomb” was found in the bathroom mirror. He then opened the toilet and realized what the word "bomb" meant.
In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. Because when I think of needs for the state of Alabama, the first thing that comes to mind is the drivers' test being only in English.
In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. That's strange. I had no idea anybody in Alabama knew what a car was.
A knife-wielding man attacked a kindergarten class of 4-year-olds in eastern China on Thursday, slashing 28 children. That's strange. Usually when you find 28 4-year olds, you'd be in a Chinese factory.
Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat". The man said, "That's the last time I ever criticize Mike Tyson".
55% of Americans say that the nutritional quality of school lunches is “fair” or “poor”. In another survey, 100% of American children think that the quality of school lunches is "terribly poor".
A survey says that 14 year old girls are the toughest kids to parent. I'm very sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.
A survey says for the first time more Americans feel they will be working past age 65 than will be retired. In this economy, those people are lucky to be working.
The Boy Scouts are offering awards for video games. They are probably just motivating more boys to join the Boy Scouts.
California State officials have unveiled a new seismic map that features 50 new faults. The biggest fault? Los Angeles.
Afghanistan is launching an Internet crackdown to stop people from viewing sites promoting pornography, alcohol and gambling. Or, as we call that in the U.S., Las Vegas.
A study says dieting can be dangerous to a person’s health and can lead to heart attacks, cancer and diabetes. Fat people are calling this study "A Really Good Excuse".
Joan Rivers is beginning a new season of "How Did You Get So Rich?" for TV Land. After that show ends, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, and Heidi and Spencer Pratt will all star in a reality show called "Really, How Did You Get So Famous?"
That's all I have for right now. More upcoming!
It was on this date in 1913 that the zipper was patented. It was also on this date that the phrase "Your fly is down" was invented.
A flight from Houston to DC was diverted to Greensboro Wednesday after the word “bomb” was found in the bathroom mirror. He then opened the toilet and realized what the word "bomb" meant.
In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. Because when I think of needs for the state of Alabama, the first thing that comes to mind is the drivers' test being only in English.
In Alabama, a GOP candidate for governor says, if elected, the state would give driver’s license exams only in English. That's strange. I had no idea anybody in Alabama knew what a car was.
A knife-wielding man attacked a kindergarten class of 4-year-olds in eastern China on Thursday, slashing 28 children. That's strange. Usually when you find 28 4-year olds, you'd be in a Chinese factory.
Police say a 24-year-old man is missing a chunk of his right ear that was bitten off by a woman who didn't like being called "fat". The man said, "That's the last time I ever criticize Mike Tyson".
55% of Americans say that the nutritional quality of school lunches is “fair” or “poor”. In another survey, 100% of American children think that the quality of school lunches is "terribly poor".
A survey says that 14 year old girls are the toughest kids to parent. I'm very sorry, Mr. and Mrs. Bieber.
A survey says for the first time more Americans feel they will be working past age 65 than will be retired. In this economy, those people are lucky to be working.
The Boy Scouts are offering awards for video games. They are probably just motivating more boys to join the Boy Scouts.
California State officials have unveiled a new seismic map that features 50 new faults. The biggest fault? Los Angeles.
Afghanistan is launching an Internet crackdown to stop people from viewing sites promoting pornography, alcohol and gambling. Or, as we call that in the U.S., Las Vegas.
A study says dieting can be dangerous to a person’s health and can lead to heart attacks, cancer and diabetes. Fat people are calling this study "A Really Good Excuse".
Joan Rivers is beginning a new season of "How Did You Get So Rich?" for TV Land. After that show ends, the Kardashians, Paris Hilton, and Heidi and Spencer Pratt will all star in a reality show called "Really, How Did You Get So Famous?"
That's all I have for right now. More upcoming!
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
"The Greatest Excuse Ever"
Poor vision is linked to dementia in older people. Dementia victims don't see how.
A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".
Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?
Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.
“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.
The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.
In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.
An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.
Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.
A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.
Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.
Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.
More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.
That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.
A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".
Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?
Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.
“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.
The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.
In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.
An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.
Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.
A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.
Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.
Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.
More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.
That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
