"One Hard Cheeseburger To Swallow"

Pharma CEO Martin Shkreli was arrested by the FBI. His bail has been set at $200 thousan... I mean... *whips out calculator* $11 million dollars.

Coldplay has been announced as the Super Bowl 50 halftime act. The people who decided this made the decision for some reason I can't explain.

A woman in Georgia finished a college exam while in labor. The real story here is that someone in Georgia waited until college to have a kid.

David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff. His loyal fans agree that this name change will be one hard cheeseburger to swallow.

Buccaneers WR Mike Evans dropped six passes in a game against the Giants. It's ironic considering he's named after something that can also be dropped.

Domino’s has designed a delivery vehicle that comes with an oven. Now something other than the delivery driver can get baked in that car.

The WHO said that bacon and sausage lead to an increased risk of cancer. Ironically enough, the WHO saying that is going to be a cancer to comedy open mics for awhile.

Bob Barker recently injured his head after a fall. He was promptly rushed to the hospital... in a brand new ambulance!

Bret Michaels has a new animal clothing line at PetSmart. You know, because your dog can't straight up tell you that he has hepatitis.

A study says apples are the most eaten fruit among American kids. In fact, last year, American kids combined to eat a staggering 13 apples.

A judge overturned Tom Brady's 4-game suspension. This proves the only thing that's been deflated is how much I care about Deflategate.

Redskins coach Jay Gruden named Kirk Cousins as the week 1 starter for the team. Afterwards, he named the caterer for the Redskins' playoff watch party.

That's all I have for now! Well, it's the last day of the year, and let me start off by saying that 2015 has been an absolute dream for me. It truly was a crazy year that featured a lot of milestones, the highest of highs, the lowest of lows, and the luckiest of breaks. Some of the milestones I experienced were some that I expected, some that came with hard work, and some that caught me completely off guard. Some of these include my first "TV credit" (a tweet on @midnight), my first professional weekend of comedy (opening for Nate Bargatze), my first date, and as of a few days ago, my first paid league win in fantasy football. Those milestones. I also did get to experience the highest of highs, many of which were these milestones. Many of these high highs included some of the greatest comedy sets, moments, and jokes I've ever had in this crazy comedy dream I'm living. The lowest of lows, well, I won't get into that, because while they sucked at the time, I'm human and while they happen to everyone, it makes the good moments that much better. But this year has been made possible thanks to hard work, progress, and a few absurdly lucky breaks. Every one of these moments, both good and bad, have made 2015 the best year ever for me. Here's to 2016!

"Gigantic Home Run"

Capcom is planning to launch a Facebook game in October. It'll combine the elements of Capcom as well as the elements of Facebook games. They are calling it "Resident E-Ville".

Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.

Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.

Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".

U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.

That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!

"Wrong Predictions"

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.

According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.

China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.

A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?

Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.

Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.

A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.

President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.

An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?

Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.

A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".

FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!