Mike Huckabee says that Mitt Romney will win the Iowa primary if the weather is nice on January 3rd. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God is preparing the world's largest thunderstorm.
Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate.
Robert De Niro has become a father at age 68. You can tell it was De Niro's kid because it already made a shitty movie with Ben Stiller.
A survey says that religious Americans are just as likely to incorporate technology into their lives as others. Are we forgetting that Amish is a religion?
A Vietnam store has made a Christmas tree completely out of cellphones. Well to be fair, they were cell phones from the 80s, so it only took six phones.
Justin Bieber surprised a friend with a brand new car for Christmas. The real surprise here is that Justin Bieber has friends.
Youtube says it has had more than 1 Trillion playbacks in 2011. Thanks a lot, Rebecca.
That's all I have for right now! My next post will be coming on New Year's Eve! I hope everybody had a great Christmas!
Showing posts with label Cell Phones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cell Phones. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
"Fecal Matter"
Michelle Obama says the President is not a fan of the Kardashian’s TV shows. Well at least something good can be said about an Obama.
The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.
A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.
Actress Reese Witherspoon says on Saturdays she gets her nails done and makes out with good friend Jennifer Aniston. In other news, the population in Hollywood has increased by 950%.
The driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. I miss the old days where ice cream truck drivers were pedophiles, not drug dealers.
President Obama accused Republicans of wanting dirtier air, dirtier water and fewer people with health insurance. And by "Republicans", he means Chris Christie.
An 11 year old boy has enrolled at the University of Minnesota. Me and him are the only two people in the world who are guaranteed never to get laid in college.
A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five phones don't have the vibrate feature.
A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five were never smuggled into prison.
A report says knee injuries are on the rise in young people. That report is called "My medical history".
That's all I have for today. Goodbye Carson Palmer, and good riddance. Anyway, more coming soon!
The Cincinnati Bengals traded Carson Palmer to the Oakland Raiders. I hope the door hit him on the way out.
A researcher at Texas Tech says Americans vote for presidential candidates who are tall. It's too bad Yao Ming is Chinese.
Actress Reese Witherspoon says on Saturdays she gets her nails done and makes out with good friend Jennifer Aniston. In other news, the population in Hollywood has increased by 950%.
The driver of a Lickety Split ice cream truck was sentenced for selling drugs from the same truck. I miss the old days where ice cream truck drivers were pedophiles, not drug dealers.
President Obama accused Republicans of wanting dirtier air, dirtier water and fewer people with health insurance. And by "Republicans", he means Chris Christie.
An 11 year old boy has enrolled at the University of Minnesota. Me and him are the only two people in the world who are guaranteed never to get laid in college.
A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five phones don't have the vibrate feature.
A study says that fecal matter was found on one in six cell phones. The other five were never smuggled into prison.
A report says knee injuries are on the rise in young people. That report is called "My medical history".
That's all I have for today. Goodbye Carson Palmer, and good riddance. Anyway, more coming soon!
Friday, October 14, 2011
"Portable Toilets"
An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.
Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.
Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.
Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.
A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.
Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?
There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.
Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.
Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.
Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.
A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.
Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?
There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Friday, January 28, 2011
MY 300TH POST
Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.
A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.
NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.
MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.
A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.
AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.
A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!
A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.
An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".
That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
"Electric Taxis"
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants big cities to start using electric taxis. How about cleaner taxis?
Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.
LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.
A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.
Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.
Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?
Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.
Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".
President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.
Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.
A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.
LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.
A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.
Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.
Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?
Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.
Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".
President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.
Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.
A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"Suicide Note"
A man committed suicide on Harvard’s campus, leaving a 1,905 page document called “Suicide Note”. If a note is almost 2,000 pages, what's an essay?
Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.
Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.
NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.
A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.
A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.
White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".
A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.
New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.
Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.
Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.
NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.
A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.
A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.
White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".
A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.
New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.
Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"A Carnival Attraction"
Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
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