Prop 19, which called for the legalization of marijuana in California, did not pass yesterday. This is terrible news for stoners who still don't notice the difference.
Three US astronauts on the International Space Station cast their ballots on Tuesday. These votes did not have any weight on the election.
Indonesia’s erupting Mt. Merapi volcano forced the cancellation of numerous international flights. So numerous international flights did not fly. And then a volcano erupted.
The 49ers rallied to beat the Broncos at Wembley Stadium in London, Sunday, in front of 84,000 fans. Unfortunately, 83,000 of those fans thought they were going to watch a different football.
The Magic-Knicks game at Madison Square Garden was postponed after debris fell from the rafters. The debris fell faster than the Knicks' winning percentage.
A 17 year old stowaway in Siberia survived a flight in a plane's landing gear. And his ride was the most comfortable of anybody in the plane.
The midterm election turnout is expected to break records. One record: the most suicides due to being annoyed by attack ads.
A report says that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish ended their marriage after she had an affair with Bret Michaels. And after Billy Ray Cyrus had an affair with his daughter.
The lawyer of Brooke Mueller says her husband Charlie Sheen humiliated her. Isn't being married to Charlie Sheen humiliating enough?
Janet Jackson says in an interview that she never wanted to be a singer. If only Michael had that same revelation.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label New York Knicks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label New York Knicks. Show all posts
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"Depressed Women"
ABC canceled its new legal drama “The Whole Truth”, which attracted just 5.3 million viewers. Coincidentally, Congress has never heard of this show.
Actor Charlie Sheen was taken to a New York hospital for psychiatric evaluations after throwing furniture around a hotel room. I guess "furniture" was the name of his new girlfriend.
A new study says every year 400,000 babies are born to depressed women. This number goes down to 100,000 if you don't factor in the Octomom.
The NBA is investigating New York Knicks workouts. Who knew video games were a workout?
The world's oldest twins have turned 100. Here's how old they are: even they don't know which person is which.
Air New Zealand will offer a “cuddle class” in coach where people can lie down during flights. Who knew airlines came up with a class that actually has leg room?
Jon Stewart has been named the Most Influential Man of 2010 by askmen.com. If a reject who makes terrible jokes about current events is at the top of the list, then why am I not anywhere on the list?
Charlie Sheen was found drunk and naked along with a prostitute in a trashed New York City hotel room. Usually when that happens to Charlie Sheen, he's on the set of Two and a Half Men.
An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. That's the biggest worm to enter someone's mouth since, I guess, Paris Hilton.
That's all I have for now! More later!
Actor Charlie Sheen was taken to a New York hospital for psychiatric evaluations after throwing furniture around a hotel room. I guess "furniture" was the name of his new girlfriend.
A new study says every year 400,000 babies are born to depressed women. This number goes down to 100,000 if you don't factor in the Octomom.
The NBA is investigating New York Knicks workouts. Who knew video games were a workout?
The world's oldest twins have turned 100. Here's how old they are: even they don't know which person is which.
Air New Zealand will offer a “cuddle class” in coach where people can lie down during flights. Who knew airlines came up with a class that actually has leg room?
Jon Stewart has been named the Most Influential Man of 2010 by askmen.com. If a reject who makes terrible jokes about current events is at the top of the list, then why am I not anywhere on the list?
Charlie Sheen was found drunk and naked along with a prostitute in a trashed New York City hotel room. Usually when that happens to Charlie Sheen, he's on the set of Two and a Half Men.
An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. That's the biggest worm to enter someone's mouth since, I guess, Paris Hilton.
That's all I have for now! More later!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"Lean Forward"
Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"Door To The Afterlife"
Larry King’s audience on CNN has dropped 43%. Seriously, when it comes to Larry King, what hasn't dropped?
Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s compensation in 2009 fell 52%. This is a valuable lesson to all business people: Don't take China out of the picture.
A study says that job stress can cause weight gain in some people. Who knew being host of "The Price Is Right" was the most stressful job in the world?
A new study confirms that consumption of chocolate can help to reduce the risk of heart attacks. That's because your heart will be too fat and lazy to attack you.
Ricky Martin has admitted that he is gay. That's what happens when you live la vida loca.
President Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals this year. Remember how poorly he threw the first pitch at the All-Star game last year? It was bad enough to make him the team's ace.
CEO pay in major corporations dropped 8.6% in 2009. However, unearned bonuses evened the bar.
When actress Lindsay Lohan left a friend’s house in LA Saturday, her shoes were covered in a white powder. Lindsay Lohan with white powder? I'm sure it's not anything illegal...
The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets will have a brown bag lunch with the Nets fan who recently wore a bag over his head during a game to protest the team’s terrible season. He had a brown bag lunch most likely because that's all he could afford.
A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. This statement was complete bull, which made him the perfect substitute for Glenn Beck.
Heavy rain storms this week may cause flooding on the east coast and threaten to establish new rainfall records. And yet, the Knicks and Nets can't be farther underwater.
Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife. Even more amazing, Larry King was a founding member.
FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A study says that binging on high calorie foods can be as addictive as nicotine or cocaine. The only question is whether you want your addiction to make you skinny or fat.
That's it for today! And this week has been amazing! Monday, I met Jay Leno and today Craig Ferguson called me a "little douchebag", but not in a bad way.
Anyway, more jokes tomorrow!
Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s compensation in 2009 fell 52%. This is a valuable lesson to all business people: Don't take China out of the picture.
A study says that job stress can cause weight gain in some people. Who knew being host of "The Price Is Right" was the most stressful job in the world?
A new study confirms that consumption of chocolate can help to reduce the risk of heart attacks. That's because your heart will be too fat and lazy to attack you.
Ricky Martin has admitted that he is gay. That's what happens when you live la vida loca.
President Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals this year. Remember how poorly he threw the first pitch at the All-Star game last year? It was bad enough to make him the team's ace.
CEO pay in major corporations dropped 8.6% in 2009. However, unearned bonuses evened the bar.
When actress Lindsay Lohan left a friend’s house in LA Saturday, her shoes were covered in a white powder. Lindsay Lohan with white powder? I'm sure it's not anything illegal...
The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets will have a brown bag lunch with the Nets fan who recently wore a bag over his head during a game to protest the team’s terrible season. He had a brown bag lunch most likely because that's all he could afford.
A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. This statement was complete bull, which made him the perfect substitute for Glenn Beck.
Heavy rain storms this week may cause flooding on the east coast and threaten to establish new rainfall records. And yet, the Knicks and Nets can't be farther underwater.
Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife. Even more amazing, Larry King was a founding member.
FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A study says that binging on high calorie foods can be as addictive as nicotine or cocaine. The only question is whether you want your addiction to make you skinny or fat.
That's it for today! And this week has been amazing! Monday, I met Jay Leno and today Craig Ferguson called me a "little douchebag", but not in a bad way.
Anyway, more jokes tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
"Worst Actress Of The Decade"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today!
Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?
A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.
Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?
Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)
A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.
A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...
You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.
New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.
A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.
Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!
Bill Buckner said he would have used steroids, were they available. Seriously though, hasn't he had enough problems with balls between his legs?
A Slovenian who saved his three dogs from being put down for attacking humans was himself mauled to death by them. Obviously those dogs were suicidal and they wanted to die.
Former teen idol Leif Garrett posted a $10,000 bond Wednesday after spending two days in a jail on a drug charge. Geez, after all these drug arrests, don't you think he would be called "Marijuana Leif" Garrett?
Madonna and Mariah Carey are both nominees for "worst actress of the decade" by Rozzie's. Who's the winner? Starts with an M... (Thanks to my chemistry teacher Mr. Venditto for inspiration)
A study says that reactions are faster than actions. Woah, who said that? Cool! (15 seconds later) I think I'm going to write a joke about that study.
A British plastic surgeons group reports that the number of male breast reductions rose by 80 percent from 2008 to 2009. Do you think it has anything to do with this obesity thing?
Madonna is such a fan of coconut water that she’s invested nearly $1.5 million in Vita Coca, a company that makes the drink. Talk about terrible endorsements by terrible musicians...
You can now buy a $9,000 beautiful female sex robot. Tiger Woods has already been named a spokesman.
New York Knicks Coach Mike D'Antoni says he's "really encouraged" by the Knicks' progress. If they continue at this rapid of a pace, people actually might start coming to their games.
A teenager in New Zealand auctioned off her virginity for $32,000 to pay for her tuition. In a related story, Tiger Woods offered to pay her $7,000 tuition, and $25,000 to keep quiet.
Well, that's it everyone! Thanks for reading and I hope you all really enjoyed it!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
