"I Thought They Were Volunteers"

A fan ran on the field during Super Bowl LV. The fan on the field got more rushing yards than the whole Chiefs offense.

Native American activists are protesting the nickname "Chiefs". It's part of their unprecedented movement to have two NFL franchises with the nickname "Football Team".

The Weeknd is promising a PG-rated halftime performance at the Super Bowl. This means Disney is going to come in and draw a cloud in the background that looks like a dick.

Marilyn Manson has been accused of abuse by several ex-girlfriends. In response to the allegations, he said, "Who am I to disagree?"

Poet Amanda Gorman recited and read a poem at the Super Bowl. This has upset many conservatives, mainly because she knows how to read and they don't.

Seattle Seahawks player Chad Wheeler was accused of abusing his girlfriend and making her bow to him. That's crazy. There's a Seattle Seahawks player that wants his significant other to bow to him and it's NOT Russell Wilson?

Singer Trey Songz reportedly assaulted a police officer at a Chiefs game. It was the first time he's had a hit in five years.

On his first day in office, President Biden undid Trump's policies on covid. It was a weird way to find out that Trump had policies on covid. 

Donald Trump left the White House while YMCA was playing. It was incredibly ironic considering he never put his pride on the shelf. 

University of Tennessee football players were reportedly paid improper benefits to play football there. It's crazy, because this whole time, I thought they were Volunteers. 

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter over harassment allegations. This is despite the fact that he acquired SS Francisco Lindor for prospects and 55 "Hey beautiful" messages to be sent later.

An NFL game aired on Nickelodeon. It's excellent for children who want to experience the excitement and thrill of hearing a player say the n-word on the hot mic. 

Donald Trump has been banned from Pinterest. It means he'll have to find a new website to look for the best well done steak with ketchup recipes.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. Thin people everywhere celebrate by drinking Diet Coke.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. It sucks that Trump got banned from Twitter before he got caught accidentally sending out a picture of his dick to Ivanka. 

Several Donald Trump supporters stormed and vandalized the Capitol Building. In response, Trump mistakenly ordered the National Guard to Capitol Garden and Lawn Care.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick tested positive for COVID-19, a disease that can spread by way of close contact with another person's face. This means that the hands of all Raiders defensive linemen must quarantine for two weeks.

Well, that's all I have for right now. It's been a brutal quarantine, and it was a rough 2020 for a lot of people, myself included. I haven't been doing standup as much as I would've liked to (partly because it's all been shut down, which has put a massive dagger in my plans for the year. I'm essentially doing maybe one or two sets a month maximum, but I'm still writing, which is good.

After quarantine, I plan to hit the ground running with standup comedy. I have a bunch of new material in the bank, I want to start trying to achieve my goal of becoming a feature act down the line, and I want to go to places I've never been before, and returning to places I've already been. And who knows - I may want to move out of the city (it's been on my mind for AWHILE).

Stay tuned for more dick jokes, y'all. 

"Chasing His Own Tailpipe"

Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.

In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".

A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.

Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.

Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.

In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.

New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.

Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.

There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.

A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.

The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.

Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.

ALSO

What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.

Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.

Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!

"Bad Mothering"

Five million people on the East Coast were without power following Hurricane Irene. Actually, five million and nine, if you count the New York Mets.

Jailed polygamist Warren Jeffs is in a coma due to dehydration following a multiple-day fast. Coma? If I were a doctor, I would put that douchebag to sleep.

Presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann says the east coast earthquake and hurricane were a message to Washington, D.C. from God. The message: They will soon be without power, like the rest of people on the east coast.

Two grown children in Chicago are suing their mom for “bad mothering”. It didn't help the mom's case when she appeared in court and said, "I have kids?".

Two Pennsylvania men were arrested for floating down a street in a raft during hurricane flooding and were charged with a lack of common sense. In an unrelated story, President Bush was seen in the electric chair.

A Cuban man is calling his 12 fingers a “blessing”. What's so great about not having a middle finger?

Justin Bieber was involved in a car crash. Unfortunately, he is going to be okay.

That's all I have for today! Well, my computer screen cracked, and these jokes are coming to you from my dorm's computer lab. FML. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Paradise Lost"

“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.

The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.

Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".

Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.

Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.

Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.

A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...

A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.

Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"310-975-5732"

A new app filters out all Internet news about Charlie Sheen. The app is called "Losing".

Millions of dead fish have been washing up on the beaches of Redondo Beach, California. Upon hearing this news, Long John Silver's went to Redondo Beach with nets and empty trucks.

A New York woman was caught with $170,000 hidden in her underwear at JFK International. Aren't men usually the ones that stuff their underwear?

Charlie Sheen's phone number has been released online. The actual number is 310-975-5732. And hookers everywhere said, "I know. I have it on SpeedDial."

Statistics show that the happiest person in the U.S. is a composite of a tall Asian male, 65 or older who lives in Hawaii and is married with an income of $120,000 a year or more. The least happy person in the U.S. is the person who is being forced to watch Charlie Sheen news coverage against their will.

New York Mets pitcher Oliver Perez is now headed to their bullpen. Why send this guy to a place with a choking hazard?

Rapper 50 Cent has been linked to performing for Moammar Qaddafi, and has donated money for the cause. Exactly how much did he donate? I think around one-half of a dollar.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A High Rate"

A glass vial stopped with a cork during the Civil War has been opened, revealing a coded message saying "I can't help you. I have no troops". It was a message from France.

The design for an official commemorative coin to mark the engagement of Britain's Prince William and Kate Middleton was unveiled on Thursday. The dollar bill marking their divorce will be unveiled on Tuesday.

Puerto Rico reportedly has a high rate of asthma. No wonder they are an American province.

Playboy magazine founder Hugh Hefner says he is engaged again. Top that, Larry King!

Entertainment mogul Tyler Perry is offering to rebuild the home of an 88-year-old great-grandmother who lost all her belongings in a fire. Talk about "Tyler Perry's House of Payne".

A stunt actor who fell 30 feet while playing Spiderman on Broadway is walking again. In fact, the Mets are reportedly going to sign him to a contract.

For the second time in three weeks, the Minnesota Vikings football game was postponed due to snow. It's official: God hates Brett Favre.

After a disappointing 96-80 Christmas Day loss to the Miami Heat, Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant said, "We always suck on Christmas". Kobe, your team is the Lakers, not the Clippers.

That's all for today! Merry Christmas everybody! More tomorrow!

"Received Death Threats"

The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.

In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.

The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.

The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.

In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".

John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.

The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".

CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".

South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.

Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.

Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.

A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"September Effect"

The wealthiest members of Congress grew even richer in 2009, with the top 50 members of Congress worth a combined $1.4 Billion. In that case, why are they voting to give themselves payraises?

An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.

Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.

President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".

Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".

The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?

The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.

A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.

The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Six Cups Of Tea"

Joke of the Day: Former NBA star Manute Bol, who was 7 feet and 7 inches tall, has died at the age of 47. His casket came with a note that read, "Good Luck".

BP CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. How does that make things different from before?

A 27 year old woman drinking a beer in a Maryland bar was mistaken for Justin Bieber. Apparently the other people in the bar had way to much to drink.

A study says that six cups of tea and two to four cups of coffee a day can be good for your heart. This is also called, "The average daily drink consumption of a senior citizen".

A study says that smoking marijuana can worsen a person’s schizophrenia. Trust me, I know that. No, I don't. Yes I do. There's no way. Wait, what?

Apple says iPhone sales could top the 100 Million mark by 2011. Little did most Americans know he was talking about the iPhone 8.

Many stock experts still believe that British Petroleum is still a good investment. Yeah, if you want to become completely broke.

The Obama Administration is setting up a “do not pay” list to keep shady contractors from getting paid when they haven’t earned it. In a related story, players for the New York Mets have filed for bankruptcy.

Jesse James has reportedly moved to Texas to be closer to Sandra Bullock. He wants to be closer to Sandra Bullock? That's a first.

A Kentucky man credits a state revenue employee with saving his life when he had a heart attack during a phone call about his income tax bill. Apparently the cause of the heart attack was his discovery about how much he owed.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"English Language Obscenities"

Joke of the Day: British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.

The San Diego Padres turned a triple play against the New York Mets on Thursday. Even the Mets bullpen said, "Come on, you can do better than that".

Mr. T, the star of television's original “A-Team” series, says the new “A-Team” movie is too graphic for him. That's like Kirstie Alley saying you eat too many fattening foods.

The Brazilian referee and his assistants who will work the England-United States match at the World Cup have been studying English language obscenities the players might use. He has prepared by watching Joe Biden give a speech.

Devo is returning with an album with songs approved in advance by their fans. All three of them.

Justin Bieber says he sometimes gets nervous around the ladies. Apparently he's nervous that he'll catch cooties.

Census estimates say that minorities will be the majority in the U.S. by mid-century. This means that minorities won't be minorities anymore.

The Taliban reportedly hanged a seven year old boy for spying. This just adds to the stereotype of seven year olds as tattle-tales.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Los Suns"

Joke of the Day: At a Phillies game Monday night, a policeman used his Taser on a 17-year-old fan who ran around the outfield. In turn, the boy collapsed like the Mets do in September and October.

Today is Cinco de Mayo, a day of celebration in Mexico. They all celebrate by parading around Arizona to Los Angeles.

The Senate is discussing the concept of “too big to fail”. Then, Harry Reid stood up and said, "But enough about Oprah Winfrey and her new network".

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, “While we do not welcome sanctions, we do not fear them, either.” In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad has just been named governor of Arizona.

Troubled ex-NFL player Adam “Pacman” Jones is trying out with the Cincinnati Bengals. At the tryouts, Jones showed the Bengals his criminal record, and the Bengals promptly offered him a multi-year deal.

The Phoenix Suns will wear “Los Suns” on their jerseys Wednesday night to honor their Latino fans. Any fan caught cheering when the Suns reveal their jerseys will be questioned.

A survey says frugality may outlast the recession. This means that I will be writing for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

A coffee shop in New York City is offering a $12 cup of coffee. Starbucks then sued the coffee shop for copyright issues.

Texas Governor Rick Perry is defending using the term “Act of God” to describe the Gulf oil spill. Um, Mr. Perry, I believe you mean "Devil".

A Facebook version of “The Price is Right” is scheduled to debut in June. This is a stupid idea. Can't you just look up the prices of the prize on the Internet?

Country music singer-songwriter Chely Wright has officially confirmed that she is gay. Apparently when she released "Single White Female", it was a love song.

That's all for today! I hope the quality was good because I think it was great! More jokes tomorrow!

"Arrested In A Pot Bust"

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Still no word on how the Catholic Church celebrated.

President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.

Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.

Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.

Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!

A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.

Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.

The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.

Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.

Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Working Weekends"

An investigation says that New York City taxi drivers overcharged customers by $8.3 Million over the last two years. Here's my question: Where's Naomi Campbell when we need her the most?

Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.

The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.

Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.

President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.

Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.

Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".

“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".

I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".

TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...

Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".

Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.

Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.

Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.

That's it for now. More tomorrow!