Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Video GAmes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Video GAmes. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
"Wrong Predictions"
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.
Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.
Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.
The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.
Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.
A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.
According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.
According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.
According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.
China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.
A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?
Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.
Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.
A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.
President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.
An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?
Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.
A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.
Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.
According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".
FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.
Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.
The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.
Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.
A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.
According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.
According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.
According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.
China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.
A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?
Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.
Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.
A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.
President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.
An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?
Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.
A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.
Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.
According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".
FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
"Deadly Unrest"
Joke of the Day: The UN has urged Kyrgyzstan to hold its elections despite deadly unrest. They were also urged to buy a vowel.
An American carrying a sword and pistol who told police he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden has been arrested. Here's my question: why can't we just find him first?
The new XBOX console - to be launched this week - will have the same price as the old system, but comes with Wi-Fi and a 250GB hard drive. The system's slogan will be, "There's no way you are getting off that couch".
A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, may keep his doctor's license. However, Murray is no longer allowed to sell tanning pills.
A kitten with two faces was born in West Virginia. It's not even a day old, and the cat has already beaten Joan Rivers.
BET is giving Prince a lifetime achievement award. Why? Was Miley Cyrus not available?
A study says that children whose parents set limits on the amount of TV they can watch actually watch less TV. Isn't that kind of the point?
South African soccer fans are causing a commotion with “vuvuzelas”, plastic horns that are being criticized for making the games “loud and unwatchable”. Something plastic made a TV show "loud and unwatchable". This can also describe Heidi Montag's significance to The Hills.
Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi at all its locations starting next month. This is the first time that "Starbucks" and "free" have been used in the same sentence.
A California Court will review an order to reduce the number of inmates. Here's how it works. Instead of ordinary people, they will bring celebrities in court so they are less likely to be convicted.
In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Doesn't that sound like something the KKK would do?
That's all for right now! More coming up later!
An American carrying a sword and pistol who told police he was on a mission to kill Osama bin Laden has been arrested. Here's my question: why can't we just find him first?
The new XBOX console - to be launched this week - will have the same price as the old system, but comes with Wi-Fi and a 250GB hard drive. The system's slogan will be, "There's no way you are getting off that couch".
A judge has ruled that Michael Jackson's doctor, Conrad Murray, may keep his doctor's license. However, Murray is no longer allowed to sell tanning pills.
A kitten with two faces was born in West Virginia. It's not even a day old, and the cat has already beaten Joan Rivers.
BET is giving Prince a lifetime achievement award. Why? Was Miley Cyrus not available?
A study says that children whose parents set limits on the amount of TV they can watch actually watch less TV. Isn't that kind of the point?
South African soccer fans are causing a commotion with “vuvuzelas”, plastic horns that are being criticized for making the games “loud and unwatchable”. Something plastic made a TV show "loud and unwatchable". This can also describe Heidi Montag's significance to The Hills.
Starbucks is going to offer free Wi-Fi at all its locations starting next month. This is the first time that "Starbucks" and "free" have been used in the same sentence.
A California Court will review an order to reduce the number of inmates. Here's how it works. Instead of ordinary people, they will bring celebrities in court so they are less likely to be convicted.
In Ohio, a six-story tall statue of Jesus was struck by lightning and burned to the ground. Doesn't that sound like something the KKK would do?
That's all for right now! More coming up later!
Friday, April 23, 2010
"Cognitive Capabilities"
Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Monday, March 22, 2010
"Live Fish In Barber Shops"
A California woman went into labor unexpectedly and gave birth with the help of her own children. The children called it "Talking poo-poo".
A New York man proposed to his fiancee on a bus to New Jersey. What's next? A McDonalds wedding with the onion ring bearer and the lettuce girl?
Nintendo is aiming to get game consoles into schools across the country as an educational tool. This will give children a good reason to go to school.
A huge sandstorm has turned the sky over Beijing orange. This sandstorm was so bad that most 6-year old workers actually got the day off.
The UNC college men’s basketball team is the most valuable program in the country, worth an estimated $29 Million. Yeah, I'd totally pay $29 million for a basketball team that didn't even make the NCAA Tournament.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Well, it beats the heck out of the Big Mouth Bass.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Tennessee wants to make sure that people are satisfied if they ever get hungry.
A Yemeni girl has written a book about being forced into marriage at ten years old and getting divorced at eleven. Britney Spears has sued this girl for copyright issues.
Blockbuster Video is hinting at a possible bankruptcy. This bankruptcy claim will affect their loyal customers. All three of them.
Parents of twins or triplets are more likely to get divorced, according to a study. The lone source of the study: Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that video games can hurt a student’s schoolwork. This study is called "Well Duh!"
It was 117 years ago today, on March 22, 1893, that the first collegiate women’s basketball game was played. That was also the day that UConn's winning streak began.
In a TV interview that aired Sunday, golfer Tiger Woods admitted “I have done some very bad things”. Strangely enough, Tiger's mistresses said the exact same thing while he was with them.
In a recently televised interview on ESPN, golfer Tiger Woods says of his return, “It would be nice to hear a couple of claps.” No problem. He already has THE clap.
A New York man proposed to his fiancee on a bus to New Jersey. What's next? A McDonalds wedding with the onion ring bearer and the lettuce girl?
Nintendo is aiming to get game consoles into schools across the country as an educational tool. This will give children a good reason to go to school.
A huge sandstorm has turned the sky over Beijing orange. This sandstorm was so bad that most 6-year old workers actually got the day off.
The UNC college men’s basketball team is the most valuable program in the country, worth an estimated $29 Million. Yeah, I'd totally pay $29 million for a basketball team that didn't even make the NCAA Tournament.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Well, it beats the heck out of the Big Mouth Bass.
The Tennessee Senate has approved having live fish in barber shops. Tennessee wants to make sure that people are satisfied if they ever get hungry.
A Yemeni girl has written a book about being forced into marriage at ten years old and getting divorced at eleven. Britney Spears has sued this girl for copyright issues.
Blockbuster Video is hinting at a possible bankruptcy. This bankruptcy claim will affect their loyal customers. All three of them.
Parents of twins or triplets are more likely to get divorced, according to a study. The lone source of the study: Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that video games can hurt a student’s schoolwork. This study is called "Well Duh!"
It was 117 years ago today, on March 22, 1893, that the first collegiate women’s basketball game was played. That was also the day that UConn's winning streak began.
In a TV interview that aired Sunday, golfer Tiger Woods admitted “I have done some very bad things”. Strangely enough, Tiger's mistresses said the exact same thing while he was with them.
In a recently televised interview on ESPN, golfer Tiger Woods says of his return, “It would be nice to hear a couple of claps.” No problem. He already has THE clap.
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