Nearly 500,000 people will cram themselves into Times Square on New Year’s Eve. It will be more crowded than NYC's unemployment lines.
Snooki will be dropped inside a ball on New Year’s Eve, but in New Jersey and not in NYC. And you thought the air in New Jersey couldn't get any worse.
Lindsay Lohan is due to leave rehab next Tuesday. She will then return on Thursday.
Octomom can avoid being evicted from her southern California home if the mortgage is sold to the founder of a porn film company. Gosh, the two people most well known for making babies will have lived in the same house.
Florida conservationists say the way to repair the overabundance of invading lionfish is to eat them. Don't get any ideas, China.
China has shut down 60,000 porn sites in a censorship crackdown. Who knew anyone could get sick of Asian porn?
A study says that most people’s New Year resolutions only last a week. Isn't that called a relapse?
CNN had its worst Prime Time ratings since 1996. They were so bad that they considered giving Jay Leno the 10PM time slot.
The U.S. has approved a testosterone gel for men with low hormone levels. They were so successful that Justin Bieber's voice started getting deeper.
BP is readying beaches in time for Spring Break. I'm sure most Americans are tired of hearing "BP" and "Break" in the same sentence.
Ben Roethlisberger won the “Chief Award” from the Pittsburgh media for his cooperation. If any normal person rapes someone but cooperates, they get decades in prison. But if Roethlisberger does the same, he gets an NFL contract and an award.
Doesn't IHOP sound like a SmartPhone app for people with one leg?
Facebook has passed Google as the most popular Internet site. The least popular Internet site: my blog.
Ryan Seacrest and his New Year’s co-host Jenny McCarthy say they will kiss at midnight. When asked what it will be like to kiss a beautiful woman, McCarthy said she isn't sure yet.
Army beat SMU for their first Bowl win in 25 years. Since Army won, they will have to face an opponent they have never beaten: The University of Iraq.
That's it for 2010! It has been an extremely memorable year for me! I was on iPhunny, the New York Times blog, I met Leno, Ferguson (indirectly), I was a regular comic on Dailycomedy, and I performed my first stand-up show! Ah, the memories. In fact, today is the one year anniversary of the beginning of my blog. I'm gonna miss everything about 2010!
Showing posts with label IHOP. Show all posts
Showing posts with label IHOP. Show all posts
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"A One-Legged Boxer"
Joke of the Day: CNBC is reporting that Americans are $6.6 Trillion short of the amount of money they need to retire. And you thought Brett Favre couldn't make up his mind before...
Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...
New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".
Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.
The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.
According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.
A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.
A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.
The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?
Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.
A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...
New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".
Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.
The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.
According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.
A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.
A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.
The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?
Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.
A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Nancy Pelosi Was Ecstatic"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was ecstatic Sunday night as the House passed the health care reform bill. As a matter of fact, she was so ecstatic that she actually changed facial expressions.
Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.
Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.
In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.
Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.
MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.
If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.
On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.
President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.
The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.
A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.
According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.
PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.
Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.
Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.
That's it for right now! More tomorrow.
Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.
Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.
In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.
Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.
MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.
If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.
On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.
President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.
The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.
A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.
According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.
PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.
Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.
Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.
That's it for right now! More tomorrow.
Monday, February 8, 2010
"International Flirting Week"
Hello everyone! Here are my jokes for today, February 8th.
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
The Saints defeated the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV by a score of 31-17. By force of habit, the Lombardi trophy put on an 'Aints paper bag.
Government owned GMAC lost $5 Billion in the 4th quarter. The loss is largely due to the fact that their name starts with GM.
Golfer Phil Mickelson's bid to buy 105 Nashville area Waffle Houses for $20 Million was turned down. Apparently Mickelson isn't their type.
A judge threatened to handcuff a former John Edwards aide if he did not turn over the former senator’s sex tape. Either way, John's favorite fantasy is going to be played out.
Monday is the first day of International Flirting Week. Or, in Mark Sanford's case, "Flirting International".
Many government employees get Monday off in honor of Abe Lincoln's birthday. Wait, since when does the government have on-days?
A 3-year old with a prosthetic leg has donated it to Haiti. Ironically, the three year old will be rewarded with breakfast at IHOP.
There is a new Brett Favre Wrangler Jeans commercial for the Super Bowl. In it, Favre says that he is comfortable in Wrangler, yet completely uncomfortable in the pocket.
Former child television star Gary Coleman is scheduled for appearance in a Utah court. I am positive he's going to be in the court that day, but I still wonder if he'll appear.
-How did "The Who" come up with their name?
-Their guitarist's hearing aid broke while someone was making a suggestion, and he said, "Wait, the who?"
A new study suggests that beer may be good for your bones. And if you drink enough, your b***r.
Well, that's it for now. More to come tomorrow!
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