Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.
A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".
A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.
Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.
A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.
Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.
A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.
A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.
A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.
A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.
Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".
A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.
Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.
That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!
Showing posts with label Penn State. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Penn State. Show all posts
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Monday, November 21, 2011
"Fix-A-Flat"
A researcher says that right handed people are less likely to like less familiar types of music like bluegrass and reggae. I completely disagree. Now if you'll excuse me, I just bought this Three Days Grace album, and I'm dying to listen to it.
Bradley Cooper has been chosen as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I was second to last, right next to Michael Moore's belly button.
A congressional committee says the TSA is bloated, needs to slash its workforce and make public its performance results. You know, like Penn State should be.
Italy’s new Prime Minister Mario Monti has formed a government with no politicians. And considering Italy's last prime minister, hopefully no underage interns.
EU officials are being criticized for banning the claim that water prevents dehydration. Isn't that what the Gatorade commercials do?
A Florida man was arrested after giving a woman a butt injection with “Fix-A-Flat”. A butt injection; is THAT what they're calling it nowadays?
A Los Angeles psychologist is still working, even though she is 102. I'm just thankful she isn't a gynecologist.
Scientists say North Pole dinosaurs led tough lives and had trouble reaching their 20th birthdays. Nowadays, people who lead tough lives and have trouble reaching their 20th birthdays are known as "gay teens".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Bradley Cooper has been chosen as People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I was second to last, right next to Michael Moore's belly button.
A congressional committee says the TSA is bloated, needs to slash its workforce and make public its performance results. You know, like Penn State should be.
Italy’s new Prime Minister Mario Monti has formed a government with no politicians. And considering Italy's last prime minister, hopefully no underage interns.
EU officials are being criticized for banning the claim that water prevents dehydration. Isn't that what the Gatorade commercials do?
A Florida man was arrested after giving a woman a butt injection with “Fix-A-Flat”. A butt injection; is THAT what they're calling it nowadays?
A Los Angeles psychologist is still working, even though she is 102. I'm just thankful she isn't a gynecologist.
Scientists say North Pole dinosaurs led tough lives and had trouble reaching their 20th birthdays. Nowadays, people who lead tough lives and have trouble reaching their 20th birthdays are known as "gay teens".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, November 10, 2011
"Medical Bills"
Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.
A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.
Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.
A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.
The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.
Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?
A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".
Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"A Bomb Scare"
Apple says iTunes will start selling music from The Beatles. The reason it took them so long was because Steve Jobs was waiting for approval from John Lennon.
The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.
Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.
Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.
Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.
Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.
New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.
A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.
Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.
Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.
The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.
Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.
Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.
Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.
Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.
New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.
A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.
Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.
Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.
The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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