"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"

Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.

Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.

A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.

A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.

Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.

Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".

Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.

An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."

In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.

A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.

The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.

Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.

A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...

That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.

"Partially Nude Cyclists"

Hundreds of naked and partially nude cyclists have pedaled their way through Philadelphia to promote cleaner air. I would think fully clothed people would have gotten the message through a little better.

A Virginia woman ate 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes, beating world eating champ Joey Chestnut. And she still doesn't want to be called fat.

Kanye West is still feeling the pain over his ambush of Taylor Swift last year. In fact, it's so bad, people think "Heartless" was written about Kanye.

That's all I have for today. I'm sorry, I would write more, but I'm really tired. More jokes tomorrow!

"Computational Creativity"

Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".

According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?

Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.

The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?

Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Beyonce Led All Winners"

Hello everyone! It's already 1/12 through the year 2010! Here are some of my jokes for the day!

At the Grammy Awards tonight, Beyoncé led all winners with six awards. Hey, no need for Kanye West tonight, eh?

And Lady GaGa had such a flashy outfit at the Grammy Awards that once again, she made Stevie Wonder flinch.

Considering the names, shouldn't Pamela Anderson have hosted the Golden Globes and Madonna the Grammy's?

MTV's "Jersey Shore" will be back for a second season. It's a show about drunk tan people who only care about their looks and they fight all the time. It's like the New Jersey Nets, but MTV's version has better basketball players.

It was on this date in 1995 that Bill Clinton gave $20 billion to stimulate Mexico's economy. Well that's worked out quite well for them, hasn't it?

Thanks, loyal readers! More to come tomorrow!