The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
Showing posts with label TSA. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TSA. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Friday, April 29, 2011
"Acting Classes"
I have been invited to the Royal Wedding. Unfortunately, I have to sit between Levi Johnston and Donald Trump's barber.
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Apple says its long-awaited white iPhone 4 will go on sale today. I bought one, and I will always remember where I made my first call. Unfortunately, so will Apple.
Recently, Barack and Michelle Obama went to tape an appearance at the Oprah Winfrey show. When asked what it was like to be with the leader of the free world, Barack said that it was very exciting.
A 91-year-old San Diego woman is selling suicide kits online for $60. It consists of a picture of the woman, and a gun to shoot yourself with when you look at it.
A former Miss USA pageant winner says she felt "violated" during a TSA patdown. Well gosh, I wonder what would incline someone to want to violate a former Miss USA.
Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi says that he has increased sexual violence, and has even issued some of his troops Viagra. And if they don't obey his orders, they will have to deal with some stiff penalties.
Lindsay Lohan says she may teach acting classes at a homeless shelter for her community service. And you thought homeless people were miserable before.
A study says that steering wheels have more germs than a toilet seat. God, whose cars did they study?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"A Padded Bathing Suit"
Harry Wesley Coover Jr., known as the inventor of Super Glue, has died at the age of 94. I wonder how the funeral home is going to keep the casket shut.
Women’s rights activists in Saudi Arabia are angry that women continue to be denied the right to vote. Women in Saudi Arabia are furious, while men in Saudi Arabia still think that's the funniest thing they've ever heard.
A Pennsylvania zoo euthanized one of the oldest lions in the US due to age-related ailments. Oh man, who's gonna scream in that circle before all those classic movies?
A woman who practices Wicca and works for the TSA in New York has been fired after a co-worker says she was casting spells on employees. You know you are messed up when the TSA calls your rituals out of line.
A New York jeweler is suing Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant for $246,000 in jewelry he hasn’t paid for. The only kind of jewelry that this guy doesn't have is a Super Bowl ring.
Advertising at movie theaters jumped 13% in 2010. Also jumping 13%: people that don't care about the advertisements at movie theaters.
Abercrombie and Fitch are being criticized for featuring a padded bathing suit top for seven year old girls. Even worse, this item is being sponsored by Myspace.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Women’s rights activists in Saudi Arabia are angry that women continue to be denied the right to vote. Women in Saudi Arabia are furious, while men in Saudi Arabia still think that's the funniest thing they've ever heard.
A Pennsylvania zoo euthanized one of the oldest lions in the US due to age-related ailments. Oh man, who's gonna scream in that circle before all those classic movies?
A woman who practices Wicca and works for the TSA in New York has been fired after a co-worker says she was casting spells on employees. You know you are messed up when the TSA calls your rituals out of line.
A New York jeweler is suing Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant for $246,000 in jewelry he hasn’t paid for. The only kind of jewelry that this guy doesn't have is a Super Bowl ring.
Advertising at movie theaters jumped 13% in 2010. Also jumping 13%: people that don't care about the advertisements at movie theaters.
Abercrombie and Fitch are being criticized for featuring a padded bathing suit top for seven year old girls. Even worse, this item is being sponsored by Myspace.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Monday, December 13, 2010
"The Bush Tax Cuts"
President Obama met last week with former President Bill Clinton. This was a meeting of the two people in America that can't pull out to save their lives.
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
"False Memories"
CNN reporter Drew Griffin was put on a TSA watch list after a report that was critical of the agency. In that case, shouldn't everybody in America be put on their watch list?
Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress. Why does he need a cell phone? I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.
Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job. I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.
A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library. There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.
BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high. Try telling that to all the dead fish!
A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number. Oh, come on, who would want to be me?
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011. And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...
A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife. I'm proud of him. Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.
Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling. With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?
A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September. Who knew Waffle House was hiring?
A study says that brain damage can create false memories. You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress. Why does he need a cell phone? I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.
Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job. I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.
A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library. There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.
BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high. Try telling that to all the dead fish!
A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number. Oh, come on, who would want to be me?
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011. And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...
A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife. I'm proud of him. Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.
Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling. With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?
A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September. Who knew Waffle House was hiring?
A study says that brain damage can create false memories. You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
"Quidditch Lingerie"
English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.
A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".
Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".
Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?
A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.
A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?
A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.
A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.
Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.
Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?
An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?
Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".
Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".
Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".
Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?
A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.
A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?
A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.
A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.
Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.
Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?
An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?
Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".
Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, November 26, 2010
"Trapped In Her Bathroom"
Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".
South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.
A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.
A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.
Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.
President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.
A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.
Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.
AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.
A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.
A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.
Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.
President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.
A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.
Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.
AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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