Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.
Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".
The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.
Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.
Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."
Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.
A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.
Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."
The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.
The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.
The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.
The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.
New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.
Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.
Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.
Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.
That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.
Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!
Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!
Showing posts with label National Enquirer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label National Enquirer. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
"Hung Parliament"
Joke of the Day: A report says that one in five men around the world may have fertility problems. The other four have already had "the talk" with their doctor.
The Minnesota State Senate has voted to increase taxes on the wealthy. Wealthy people are furious. They will go from multimillionaires to just millionaires.
The number of Americans moving into new homes has increased to 12.5% of the population. Of those 12.5%, 99.9% of those homes were previously foreclosed on.
Coca-Cola is going high tech with a machine that allows people to mix up to 104 different drinks. This machine is called, "A five-year old's dream".
German scientists say they have found sunken islands in the Caribbean Sea. Um yeah, don't many people call that Atlantis?
A man in India claims he hasn’t had food or water in the past 70 years. The National Enquirer was the first to report.
The South Pole reported its warmest year on record, averaging -54.2 degrees Fahrenheit. As a matter of fact, the CEO of Goldman Sachs just visited there so he could warm up.
In Britain, since no political party won an outright majority of seats in last week’s election, the result is a “hung Parliament”. You know, kind of like the government we have right here in the US.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he will resign his position. He will go back to his first job: a marshmallow on a S'more.
An Australian TV channel is teaching the Noongar Aboriginal language to young children to help keep it from being lost. The show has already come up with its main character: Muzzy.
A new study finds that the rewards portion of a gambler’s brain considers “near misses” as wins. Or, as CitiGroup calls them, "Executive bonuses".
The June issue of Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold picture. Don't get ahead of yourself. It's just Scott Brown with a stick coming out of the staples.
First lady Michelle Obama on Tuesday unveiled a 70-point plan for reducing childhood obesity within a generation, including a call for marketing healthier food. Obese kids plan to protest, but getting them off the couch could be a major issue.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Minnesota State Senate has voted to increase taxes on the wealthy. Wealthy people are furious. They will go from multimillionaires to just millionaires.
The number of Americans moving into new homes has increased to 12.5% of the population. Of those 12.5%, 99.9% of those homes were previously foreclosed on.
Coca-Cola is going high tech with a machine that allows people to mix up to 104 different drinks. This machine is called, "A five-year old's dream".
German scientists say they have found sunken islands in the Caribbean Sea. Um yeah, don't many people call that Atlantis?
A man in India claims he hasn’t had food or water in the past 70 years. The National Enquirer was the first to report.
The South Pole reported its warmest year on record, averaging -54.2 degrees Fahrenheit. As a matter of fact, the CEO of Goldman Sachs just visited there so he could warm up.
In Britain, since no political party won an outright majority of seats in last week’s election, the result is a “hung Parliament”. You know, kind of like the government we have right here in the US.
British Prime Minister Gordon Brown announced that he will resign his position. He will go back to his first job: a marshmallow on a S'more.
An Australian TV channel is teaching the Noongar Aboriginal language to young children to help keep it from being lost. The show has already come up with its main character: Muzzy.
A new study finds that the rewards portion of a gambler’s brain considers “near misses” as wins. Or, as CitiGroup calls them, "Executive bonuses".
The June issue of Playboy will feature a 3-D centerfold picture. Don't get ahead of yourself. It's just Scott Brown with a stick coming out of the staples.
First lady Michelle Obama on Tuesday unveiled a 70-point plan for reducing childhood obesity within a generation, including a call for marketing healthier food. Obese kids plan to protest, but getting them off the couch could be a major issue.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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