"Mini Versions Of People"

President Obama has a proposed budget of $4 trillion. At least half of it will be used to pay for Game of War ads.

A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for a cast worn by Robert Griffin III. Who knows about overpaying for a useless item more than RGIII and the Redskins?

A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Yep, men spend Valentine's Day eating raw fish, and then they go on a sushi date.

Brian Williams has come under fire for fabricating a story about a chopper he was in during the Iraq War. I'm not saying Brian Williams has lost his credibility, but his most recent story was about me going on a date last Saturday night.

RadioShack filed for bankruptcy. So now if I want the newest electronics, I'll go to the place I was already going to instead of RadioShack.

Bruce Jenner is reportedly transitioning to become a woman. Apparently this news left Bobbi Kristina Brown speechless.

A Chinese developer has created a video game controller that's controlled by the vagina. Also controlled by the vagina: men.

Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. He's great for the Pro Bowl because it allows him to showcase his greatest strength: throwing to players who play for other teams.

Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. Pro Bowl officials decided to let him in after 36 other quarterbacks, six rocks, and a Denny's manager were deemed unavailable.

The Mueller Report says NFL didn't investigate into the Ray Rice domestic violence situation enough. Meanwhile, the Schubert Report says Ray Rice shouldn't have hit his wife in the first place.

Police in KY killed the first cougar seen there since the Civil War. It's a shame the cougar died before it got the chance to blow George Clooney.

A store in Paris uses 3D printing to sell mini versions of people. They're selling a mini version of me, and it comes with a mini girl that runs from it.

On NPR, Bill Cosby refused to deny the rape allegations against him. This proves once and for all that he doesn't see any value in the word "no".

Black Eyes Peas singer Fergie is pregnant. She knew she might have been pregnant when her period was so two thousand and late.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I don't know what else to say about my comedy grind except for the fact that it's been going well. No, I haven't been booked yet, but I'm working on that. All my club sets have gone really really well as of late, and I'll be going to more clubs as time goes on. In March alone, I'll be performing in at least two clubs (Go Bananas in Cincy on the 4th and Wiley's in Dayton on the 22nd). I'm really excited for how everything is going to turn out, because I feel as if I'm starting to hit a groove with this thing. As for the diet, for the first time since my junior year of high school, I'm under 200 pounds (194 as of right now)! That means that I've lost a total of 60 pounds so far. I know, that weight is gonna seem real shitty in a few months as I'm still losing more and more weight. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Anyway, enough of the petty bullshit. I'll have a new batch of dick jokes soon for you guys. More to come later!

"Drove Off A Cliff"

There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. One of the endangered species: straight Republican senators.

President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.

Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.

Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.

China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.

A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.

Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.

A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.

There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.

Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.

A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.

A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.

That's all I have for right now! More later!