"Leave Room For The Holy Spirit"

Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.

A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.

Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.

Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.

Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.

Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."

A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.

The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.

A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.

The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.

Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.

The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.

Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."

Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!

"Ivanka Trump's Clothing Line"

Former Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez died in prison at the age of 27. And yet he still has a better chance of making it to the MLB than Tim Tebow.

ESPN has laid off a big portion of its on air talent, including football analyst Trent Dilfer. Now, "Dilfer Dimes" will refer to the coins in a cup that's next to an "Anything helps, God bless" sign.

A scorpion stung a man on a United flight to Calgary. There were many doctors on board who could help, but they were too afraid to speak up.

The US recently dropped the "Mother of all Bombs" on an ISIS facility in Afghanistan. If Donald Trump took credit for this bombing, it would be the first time that any of his bombs didn't file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

Due to all of Donald Trump's controversial remarks, Nordstrom dropped Ivanka Trump's clothing line. This is the first time Donald Trump has ever been mad that his daughter's clothes were removed.

Pepsi has come under fire for a controversial commercial featuring Kendall Jenner. We know Pepsi screwed up with the commercial because hiring Kendall Jenner as an actress was only their second worst judgment call.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released Jamaal Charles. He is the Chiefs' all time leader with 7,260 yards driven off the field on the back of a cart.

Cavaliers PG Kyrie Irving has come under fire for believing in the flat earth theory. It's strange that people responded to this by saying he should've stayed in college as if the Earth being round is something you learn in your junior year.

In the Super Bowl, the Falcons halftime lead against the Patriots was 28-3. The Patriots 1st half was so bad, the girl on Tinder who banged Julian Edelman called him to say she just likes him as a friend.

The Houston Rockets retired Yao Ming's jersey. He's the first player in NBA history to be tall enough to hang his own jersey in the rafters.

LB Jamie Collins signed a 4-year contract with the Browns. This means he'll be the newest player to have fans regularly tear his jersey in half.

Singer Makonnen came out as gay. Upon hearing this, VP Mike Pence proposed a constitutional amendment that bans nightclubs from being open on Tuesdays.

That's all I have for right now! Nothing to talk about now. Same shit, different day. Just trying to make it at my new internship and trying to deal with all the stress that comes with it. I'll be back a few months from now with more jokes!