Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.
Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.
A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.
A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.
Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.
Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".
Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.
An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."
In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.
A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.
The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.
Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.
A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...
That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.
Showing posts with label Lil' Wayne. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Lil' Wayne. Show all posts
Friday, June 14, 2013
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, May 14, 2010
"Denied Eating Baby Food"
Joke of the Day: Sarah Palin spoke at the National Rifle Association's annual meeting in North Carolina. The NRA members were confused when Palin repeatedly told them that she would continue to fight for their First Amendment rights.
Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.
Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".
The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.
Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.
May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".
Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.
A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".
President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"
More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".
A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.
A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!
That's all I have for right now. More later!
Scientists in China say they have found a new use for discarded cigarette butts. Here in America, we use them to decorate our roads and sidewalks.
Chemical extracts from cigarette butts can be used to protect steel pipes from rusting, a study in China has found. To which BP said, "We'll take it".
The big news out of Hollywood is that Jennifer Aniston denied eating baby food. In other news, Mary Kate Olsen has denied eating anything.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. You know, like the first ever airplanes.
Researchers in the journal Science say that the earliest birds were very poor flyers and in fact were probably only gliders. They could still poop on us with incredible accuracy.
Forty-one people were arrested after the Montreal Canadiens defeated the Pittsburgh Penguins in game 7 of their series. They were all sentenced to five minutes in the penalty box.
Chicago White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen says he will not participate in the next year’s All-Star game if it is held in Phoenix. You know who else said this? Phoenix.
May 14 is the date that Gabriel Daniel Fahrenheit, the German physicist, was born in 1686. To which President Bush said, "What is this Fahrenheit guy known for?".
Former US president Bill Clinton is raffling off a day with himself in New York to help his wife Hillary pay off a still hefty debt from her 2008 White House bid. No male bidders have been allowed.
A hotel in Dubai has just installed a machine that dispenses pure gold. Or, as Lil' Wayne calls them, "New dentures".
President Obama was at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Buffalo, and the cashier called him "a hottie with a smokin' hot body". When President Obama handed her a $20 bill, the cashier said, "Here's your change. Now may I please have mine?"
More foreign companies are outsourcing work to the U.S. This is the clearest example ever of "now you know how it feels".
A study says that women who marry younger men may die earlier. This means that all of Larry King's wives and ex-wives will be around for a while.
A survey says that Toyota owners’ loyalty is down over the past few months. Well you would think so!
That's all I have for right now. More later!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"
Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
"The First Female President"
A study says that drivers and cars are ill-equipped to cope with panic situations. The study has been entitled, "Road Rage".
During New Orleans’ parade honoring the Super Bowl champion Saints Tuesday, police were ordered to restrict the appearance of boobs. Police said, "Please don't flash your boobs at all. That's what Mardi Gras is for."
Rapper Lil Wayne had his sentencing in a weapons case postponed so he could get some dental work done. I'm not sure another grill qualifies as dental work.
A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To which Larry King said, "Like hell you are".
A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To me, this is a miracle. How did she survive through 50 years of Fidel Castro.
An Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job. You know what that's called here in America? Deal Or No Deal.
The man who stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and shot nude videos of her through a hotel room peephole videotaped 16 other women. Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn...
Laura Chinchilla of the centre-left National Liberation Party has been elected the first female President of Costa Rica. To which Costa Ricans said, "Oh great, now we are going to be run by a South American rabbit".
Thanks for reading everybody! More to come tomorrow.
During New Orleans’ parade honoring the Super Bowl champion Saints Tuesday, police were ordered to restrict the appearance of boobs. Police said, "Please don't flash your boobs at all. That's what Mardi Gras is for."
Rapper Lil Wayne had his sentencing in a weapons case postponed so he could get some dental work done. I'm not sure another grill qualifies as dental work.
A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To which Larry King said, "Like hell you are".
A woman in Cuba claims to be the oldest person on earth at the age of 125. To me, this is a miracle. How did she survive through 50 years of Fidel Castro.
An Australian banker who became an internet sensation after he was caught on live television viewing images of a scantily clad supermodel on his computer will keep his job. You know what that's called here in America? Deal Or No Deal.
The man who stalked ESPN reporter Erin Andrews and shot nude videos of her through a hotel room peephole videotaped 16 other women. Suzy Kolber, Linda Cohn...
Laura Chinchilla of the centre-left National Liberation Party has been elected the first female President of Costa Rica. To which Costa Ricans said, "Oh great, now we are going to be run by a South American rabbit".
Thanks for reading everybody! More to come tomorrow.
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