"Christian By Choice"

A new survey shows that Americans do not know much about religion. That's because all the brainiacs are not religious.

President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.

A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.

Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.

Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.

Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.

For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.

The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.

TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".

One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".

Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.

The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.

The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.

The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.

President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.

The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.

A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.

Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?

That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!

Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Known And Unknown"

After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.

Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.

Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?

Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.

Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.

The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?

A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".

Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.

Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?

A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?

Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.

Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.

That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!