"Johnny Jolly"

NATO says the conflict in Libya could last 90 days. 90 days of bombs; sounds like a movie marathon on Showtime.

“OMG” and “LOL” have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. When I heard this news story, those two things were exactly what I said.

A plastic surgeon says he performed procedures on Moammar Qaddafi in 1996 because the dictator didn’t want to be seen by young people as an old man. Why couldn't they bring Qaddafi to the hospital and put him to sleep?

GE made a $5 Billion profit last year and paid no federal taxes. "That's preposterous," said GE CEO Wesley Snipes.

Lindsay Lohan will be dropping her last name to disassociate herself from her father and just go by “Lindsay”. I'm sure Michael feels the exact same way about Lindsay.

A study says that laughter and music may help lower a person’s blood pressure. In other words, listening to my jokes and my singing will kill you INSTANTLY.

Green Bay Packer Johnny Jolly was arrested with 600 grams of Codeine. In prison, he made a call to his estranged wife, Debbie Downer.

Researchers plan to drill the deepest hole ever in the Earth’s crust. Of course, this is the second deepest hole drilled in history, next to the Tommy Lee - Pamela Anderson sex tape.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"No Longer The Strongest Ever"

In his State of the Union speech, Pres. Obama will share plans to energize the country and the economy. Yes, the plans that he will probably not enforce.

China has failed to restore relations with Tibet. I knew it was a smart idea Tibet that China was going to be unsuccessful.

The World Meteorological Assn. says that the 231-mph wind gust recorded in New Hampshire in 1934 is no longer the strongest ever. A 231-mph wind isn’t the strongest wind ever? That just blows me away…

A California school district that pulled a dictionary from classrooms because it defined oral sex will allow it back on the shelves. Little did they know that the dictionary had a picture as well...

The guest judges on American Idol Tuesday night were Avril Lavinge and Katy Perry. This adds to the American Idol Judge portfolio entitled “No Musical Talent Whatsoever”.

A man in Australia has been jailed because he hid 44 lizards in his underpants. By force of habit, Osama Bin Laden admitted that he was behind this.

A study says that using painkillers raises the risk of sustaining bone fractures. Ah, redundancy at its finest.