"Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver"

Holy shit, I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy doing standup and having a blast writing one liners on the Twitter. Here's an update at the topical jokes I have written over the past few months.

Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.

An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.

The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.

A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.

A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.

A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.

A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.

Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.

Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.

A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.

Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.

Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.

Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.

That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!

"Reportedly Pregnant"

Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.

Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.

Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.

Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.

Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.

Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.

Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.

Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?

Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.

At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.

That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.

"Mentally Incapable"

Arnold Schwarzenegger admitted he fathered a child with a member of his household staff. It turns out, the kid hit puberty at age 3.

Willie Nelson endorsed GOP Presidential candidate Gary Johnson. Unfortunately for Republicans, he had a joint in his hand when he said this.

Casino mogul Steve Wynn says his operation is now a “Chinese company”. And when he says that, he means that the casino actually has money.

A Utah woman was arrested trying to trade a salad for drugs. In other words, she traded leaves.

A Wisconsin man has eaten his 25,000th Big Mac. His funeral is on Saturday.

Britney Spears is still under conservatorship of her father, which means she is “mentally incapable” of getting married. At this point, she's "mentally incapable" of walking.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Harry Baals"

First Lady Michelle Obama says her two daughters do not have accounts on Facebook. She added that they do not have Myspace accounts, which disappointed thousands of middle-aged perverts.

Italian prosecutors pushed for a quick trial of Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on charges he had sex with an underage prostitute. Yeah, just what this guy needs. Another quickie.

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. It was a better alternative than their other former mayor, Michael Thatswhatshesaid.

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. If this guy got in a sex scandal, that would be the worst newspaper headline in history. "Harry Baals linked to Las Vegas prostitute".

Fort Wayne in Indiana may name its new government center after former mayor Harry Baals. I'm sure the only reason he was voted in was so people could make fun of his name.

Two grandparents are accused of locking their 9-year-old granddaughter in a small bathroom every night for six years. That's what you get when you take parenting classes taught by Britney Spears.

An Arizona woman who tried to swap her 2-year-old child for a gun was sentenced to prison. The two-year-old and the gun are very different. One is small, problematic, and loud when it snaps, and the other is a gun.

A Little League coach was charged Wednesday with sexually abusing boys on his baseball team, and prosecutors said he videotaped some of the acts. This guy was meant to be a priest.

First Lady Michelle Obama says that President Obama doesn’t dye his hair. I mean seriously, who would ever dye their hair gray?

A new iPhone app helps Catholics go through the confession process. What? Was the little window in the confessional not small enough?

A 7 year old boy accidentally bought a fighter jet on eBay. Maybe Justin Bieber has a little too much money.

Miley Cyrus says she “made a mistake” by using a bong to smoke the herb salvia. Now she will go back to becoming high when she usually does. Right before her concerts.

New York Congressman Christopher Lee has resigned after being caught answering a personal ad on Craigslist. Usually, Congressmen are the ones that post the personal ads.

An Iranian man accused of developing porn web sites has been sentenced to death. Iran drew the line when one woman revealed her entire face.

A New York college professor says that prostitutes are now selling sex on Facebook. That's what Myspace is for.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Flash Mob"

During the full lunar eclipse, the moon turned a pale orange color. It was so pale orange that it joined the cast of Jersey Shore.

A sewage backup caused parts of the United Nations to be evacuated. By force of habit, BP workers went on break.

Retired talk show host Larry King says he was in love with only 3 of his 7 wives. He didn't even meet the other 4 face-to-face.

A flash mob at a mall in northern California resulted in the entire shopping area being evacuated. And no, these moons did not cause any lunar eclipses.

Tiger Woods got a shot in his right ankle. Yes, because it's his ankle that's giving him problems.

Ernst & Young is accused of hiding much of Lehman Brothers’ financial troubles. Wait, Lehman Brothers could get in more trouble? You've gotta be kidding me.

A study says that Christmas Day is the deadliest day of the year. Especially when Grandpa is the one cooking.

Paris Hilton was evacuated from a plane at LAX after a serrated knife was found in a seat pocket. Of course, since it was Paris Hilton, she went straight to the cockpit.

Oprah has offered Bono a TV show on new her network. When Oprah gave Bono the show, she told him, "First I have a show on my network, and now you too?".

Reese Witherspoon says she was advised not to sing early in her career. Where were these advisors in Britney Spears' early career?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Not A Human Being"

Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.

Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.

Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".

The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...

Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.

A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.

Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.

ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.

Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?

Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.

A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?

A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".

McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?

Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".

The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.

That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!

A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.

"Wrong Predictions"

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.

Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.

Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.

The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.

Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.

A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.

According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.

According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.

According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.

China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.

A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?

Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.

Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.

A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.

President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.

An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?

Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.

A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.

Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.

According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".

FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"A Lifeless Man"

Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.

British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".

A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.

A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.

New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".

New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.

Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.

An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.

Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."

Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.

Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.

For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.

That's it for now! More later!