Malaysia is sending effeminate boys to military boot camp. I hope you're ready, Bieber.
A report says the most stressful career is that of a pilot. Because nothing is more stressful than being allowed to drink on the job.
A survey says that frequent Twitter users have shorter relationships. And really frequent Twitter users don't have relationships at all.
A study says that music may delay the onset of dementia. That is, unless you absolutely suck on "Don't Forget The Lyrics".
A study says that people eat more after seeing overweight people. The study was conducted wherever I was.
There are rumors surfacing that the Chicago Cubs may have thrown the 1918 World Series against the Boston Red Sox. It's not that they threw the World Series. They are just that bad.
That;s all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Drunk Pilots. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunk Pilots. Show all posts
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
"Blamed It On Diarrhea"
Joke of the Day: Kirstie Alley has confirmed that her 17-year-old son is engaged to be married. This wedding is expected to break a world record. The world's fastest eaten wedding cake.
A new porn magazine is coming out for the blind in Braille. Seriously, that's as useless as an iPod for the deaf.
An Iowa teenager will attend her high school prom wearing a dress she made out of Wrigley’s gum wrappers. Chances of this girl having a date are pretty small.
New York Yankees relief pitcher Chan Ho Park had a terrible outing in his first appearance this season and blamed it on diarrhea. In other words, his bad outing has been blamed on the runs.
A good-looking significant other will cause other potential mates to find you more desirable, new research suggests. The research has been entitled, "Must be his wallet".
Derek Lowe has called rookie outfielder Jason Heyward a young Alex Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he wasn't talking about what he does on the field.
Hank Aaron believes batters shouldn't try to hit a homerun every time they're at bat. That's like Lindsay Lohan telling everyone to "Say No!"
A Swedish man who flew passenger jets in countries around Europe for more than a decade without a license was let off with a light fine by a Dutch court on Tuesday. Now would be a good time for the "But everyone's doing it" excuse.
Recently, Ellen DeGeneres asked Eva Longoria Parker to strip on her show. You don't have to be lesbian to do that, Ellen.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
A new porn magazine is coming out for the blind in Braille. Seriously, that's as useless as an iPod for the deaf.
An Iowa teenager will attend her high school prom wearing a dress she made out of Wrigley’s gum wrappers. Chances of this girl having a date are pretty small.
New York Yankees relief pitcher Chan Ho Park had a terrible outing in his first appearance this season and blamed it on diarrhea. In other words, his bad outing has been blamed on the runs.
A good-looking significant other will cause other potential mates to find you more desirable, new research suggests. The research has been entitled, "Must be his wallet".
Derek Lowe has called rookie outfielder Jason Heyward a young Alex Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he wasn't talking about what he does on the field.
Hank Aaron believes batters shouldn't try to hit a homerun every time they're at bat. That's like Lindsay Lohan telling everyone to "Say No!"
A Swedish man who flew passenger jets in countries around Europe for more than a decade without a license was let off with a light fine by a Dutch court on Tuesday. Now would be a good time for the "But everyone's doing it" excuse.
Recently, Ellen DeGeneres asked Eva Longoria Parker to strip on her show. You don't have to be lesbian to do that, Ellen.
That's all for now! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 12, 2010
"A Slap In The Face"
Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 9, 2010
"iText and iDrive"
Joke of the Day: Intel is showcasing some new software that reportedly can read minds with brain scans. This machine, however, crashes when in the presence of George Bush.
A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.
Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.
The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.
Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.
A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.
A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.
President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.
Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?
A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.
More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?
Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.
FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.
A new survey found that 20% of people from 22 countries believe space aliens are amongst us and disguised as humans. The other 80% of people have never seen Jersey Shore.
Soon, Apple’s iPhone will be able to run more than one application at the same time, something iPhone users have long wanted. Two apps that will be commonly used at the same time: iText and iDrive.
The Sugar Association says sugar is being unfairly blamed for the obesity problem in the US. This just proves how fat we really are. There is an association for sugar.
Animal researchers in Italy say they have discovered living beings that can exist without oxygen. The basis to their research was determined to be a 3rd grade science textbook.
A 74 year old woman died on a Continental Airlines flight from Peru to Newark. She killed herself when the pilots said that they couldn't turn the plane around.
A proposed bill in California would declare an annual day to honor Ronald Reagan. One lucky citizen will get the honor of tearing down the ceremonial Berlin Wall.
President Obama’s health care spokeswoman Linda Douglass is leaving the White House. Apparently she is tired of Republicans giving her death threats.
Workers at the Carlsberg Brewery in Denmark are on strike after the company banned drinking during work except at lunch. Does this mean the beer testers were laid off or given a permanent lunch break?
A study says a recovery in the tech industry is under way. Apparently the iPad did more damage than I thought.
More states are reportedly looking at the idea of paying teachers based on students’ performance in the classroom. Here's my question: What kind of performance are they talking about?
Airlines had fewer on time flights in February. On the other hand, there was an unusual rise in flights arriving at 5:00.
FINALLY FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A book called “The Make Brain” sheds light on how men think. Their are two words to describe how men think. “Tiger Woods”.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
"The University Of Irony"
An Italian exorcist says that Satan is behind the recent media attacks against the Pope. I'm not sure, however, that Rush Limbaugh cares about Catholicism.
The FAA is dropping a ban preventing clinically depressed pilots from flying. Now what about drunk pilots?
A poll says Americans feel the Republican Party would manage the economy better than the Democrats. This poll was found on Rush Limbaugh's fan site.
President Obama said in his Easter Address that "We must embrace the shared spirit of humanity". Apparently Republicans were not included in his speech.
Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man really became angry when his pet fish begged him to give it back.
A South Florida woman has celebrated her 106th birthday by throwing the starting pitch at a spring training game between the Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals. She walked into the dugout and received a standing ovation, hugs from her relatives, and a phone number from Larry King.
Among depressed people, anxiety associated with worrying may help relieve depression, a new study suggests. The study was conducted at the University of Irony.
A farmer recently discovered the fossil skeleton of an ant-eating dinosaur. This dinosaur is described as the world's greatest pet to bring to a picnic.
More tomorrow! Friend me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/chickenscrossroads !
The FAA is dropping a ban preventing clinically depressed pilots from flying. Now what about drunk pilots?
A poll says Americans feel the Republican Party would manage the economy better than the Democrats. This poll was found on Rush Limbaugh's fan site.
President Obama said in his Easter Address that "We must embrace the shared spirit of humanity". Apparently Republicans were not included in his speech.
Police said an impatient customer slapped a drive-thru worker at a New Jersey McDonald's because he was tired of waiting for his Filet-O-Fish sandwich. The man really became angry when his pet fish begged him to give it back.
A South Florida woman has celebrated her 106th birthday by throwing the starting pitch at a spring training game between the Marlins and St. Louis Cardinals. She walked into the dugout and received a standing ovation, hugs from her relatives, and a phone number from Larry King.
Among depressed people, anxiety associated with worrying may help relieve depression, a new study suggests. The study was conducted at the University of Irony.
A farmer recently discovered the fossil skeleton of an ant-eating dinosaur. This dinosaur is described as the world's greatest pet to bring to a picnic.
More tomorrow! Friend me on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/chickenscrossroads !
Thursday, March 4, 2010
"A Reality Show For Alaska"
The FAA is investigating an air traffic controller who brought his two children in to work and let them transmit directions to pilots. A pilot would only do that if he was really drunk, and we know that would never happen.
Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.
McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".
Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".
Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"
A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.
Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.
New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.
The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.
Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?
More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.
A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.
That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.
Jay Leno beat David Letterman soundly in his return to the "Tonight Show" with his guest Sarah Palin. Yeah, after the joke about Palin's daughter, I don't think Letterman is ever going to have Sarah Palin as a guest.
McDonald's and Weight Watchers are teaming up to help kids in New Zealand lose weight. Weight Watchers plans to use the slogan, "Eat our food, not theirs".
Scientists wants to give the name "Hella" to a number that is represented by a 1 followed by 27 zeros. Hella is actually the abbreviated version. The long version is "That's one hella number".
Captain "Sully" Sullenberger piloted his final flight on U.S. Airways, from Florida to North Carolina. Passengers were confused when Sully said he would land in the Atlantic Ocean.
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he is mad at Tiger over his sex scandal. He added, "Really Tiger, you are much better than that. I mean a Perkins waitress, really?"
A study says that ads trying to get people to stop drinking and driving or stop smoking may have the opposite effect because they use guilt and shame. And a car full of olives and red wine.
Continental Airlines will let passengers buy extra legroom for a $59 fee. In addition, if the passengers pay an extra $20, the stewardesses will steal a laptop from one of the pilots.
New York Gov. David Paterson is accused of accepting free Yankees tickets to the 2009 World Series. Paterson is being sued for $100,000, which coincidentally was the value of one of the tickets.
The head of the Russian Olympic Committee resigned following their worst-ever Winter Olympics showing. That guy should be happy that Joseph Stalin isn't alive. He would have been killed before he could quit.
Sarah Palin is trying to go to the producer of "Survivor" to pitch an idea for a reality show for Alaska. However, wasn't Palin kind of already on "I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here: Alaskan Government Edition"?
More than 250 silver coins dating back to the time of Alexander the Great were unearthed in northern Syria. These coins are going to be donated to the disaster relief efforts. That is, our government.
A woman in New Jersey made a snow sculpture of a naked woman, then was forced to clothe it after complaints that it was offensive. After all, the citizens didn't want to tarnish the reputation of New Jersey.
That's it for today, I hope to have better ones tomorrow. I felt I was a little off today.
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