"Related To Sarah Palin"

In an effort to be bio-friendly, Walmart will sell pet products made from trash. Don't they already do that?

Google is investing $5 billion in an offshore wind project. Isn't Google blowing this out of proportion?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. And that money is just to the CEOs.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. Now, their newest problem: finding someplace that has service.

The Chinese company making Apple’s iPhones is being criticized with allegations of worker abuse. Chinese workers are looking for ways to heal their boo-boos.

A new study says that if California legalizes marijuana it won’t hurt the drug cartels because Californians already grow their own pot. Do you want proof that pot is actually grown? Look in Lindsay Lohan's shoe and Paris Hilton's mouth.

A New Zealand TV host resigned after mocking the name of Indian official Sheila Dikshit. He should have resigned. After all, he had no right to mock the name "Sheila".

A former sports agent says he paid Ryan Leaf $10,000 when he was still in college. You know who represents this guy now? Reggie Bush.

Genealogy reports say that Barack Obama is related to Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Somebody better put the President under suicide watch.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to do some community service. Hopefully it involves her not being on TV.

A set of John Lennon's fingerprints being auctioned for at least $100,000 was seized by the FBI. The creepy part about all this: the only place they could find fingerprints were on Yoko Ono's skin.

Warren Buffett says that "Pain will be felt for a long time" as the economy recovers. Unless you are Warren Buffett.

The Supreme Court will rule on a case that asks if terrorist laws apply to when a wife attacks her husband. Who would have thought that Elin Nordegren would have been worse off than Tiger Woods?

House Minority Leader John Boehner says if the GOP takes control of Congress they will cut spending weekly. Exactly what is the problem with that?

A man who tried to streak in front of President Obama was doing it to cash in on an offer of a million dollars from a British website. The speech involved a guy who made himself look like an idiot and didn't care what anybody thought. And a naked guy was there, too.

Twitter is targeting one billion users. One billion people have used it; kind of like Paris Hilton.

A study says the fastest growing areas in the country show a big income drop. Mainly because of people we call "illegal immigrants".

The coach of the Detroit Lions is denying his team tried to run up the score in a 44-6 win over the Rams. Football fans were shocked. The Lions know how to score touchdowns?

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Received Death Threats"

The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.

In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.

The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.

The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.

In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".

John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.

The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".

CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".

South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.

Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.

Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.

A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"An Odd Twist"

The government reports that highway deaths in 2009 were at the lowest level since 1954. That's because Toyotas killed people before they could get to the highway.

82% of Americans say they want tougher regulations for Wall Street. The other 18% of Americans work on Wall Street.

A study says that women are guilty of feeling too much guilt, while men tend to be more emotionally detached. The study is being entitled: "The Effects of Marriage".

A new method of brain scan can reporptedly allow researchers to read people's thoughts. Doctors were surprised when the people's thoughts were, "When is this stupid scan going to be over?"

China has become the world's biggest Internet market. Well nowadays, what market aren't they big in?

Rush Limbaugh now denies he said he’d move to Costa Rica if Congress passes health care reform. Costa Rica has now breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Doris Haddock, a woman who walked across America at the age of 89 to draw attention to campaign finance reform, has died at the age of 100. At least she died knowing that she got the job done...

Neighbors have reported Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren outside kissing and hugging. This is an odd twist. Usually when Tiger does that stuff it's not with his wife.

A man in Kansas told police he was beaten up when he tried to use Monopoly money to purchase drugs. The man has been sentenced to jail until he rolls doubles on his dice.

Devotees of a man claiming to practice a traditional African religion said they had to ingest the mucus of a Giant African Snail that sickened them. This sounds like a game of Truth or Dare gone horribly wrong.

Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.

A union representing Dutch nurses will launch a national campaign Friday against demands for sexual services by patients who claim it should be part of their standard care. The union consists entirely of young female nurses.

Women who took the birth control pill beginning in the late 1960s lived longer than those never on the pill, a new study says. The study also said that the children of the mother who took the pill never lived period.

Obesity plus daily drinking boosts the risk of liver disease in men and women, researchers report in two new studies. In other words, if you are a Buffalo Wild Wings regular, you're screwed.

Authorities in Riverside County, California say a woman with a gun robbed 11 customers at a market and got away with $6. She is now the richest person in California.

Running back Larry Johnson has signed a three-year deal with the Washington Redskins. This is a terrible idea. If he can make fun of gays, I wouldn't be surprised if Native Americans took a little heat as well.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!

"Google, Kansas"

Starbucks is trying out a 31 ounce iced drink it is selling for $2.60. They are calling it "water".

Information released by the PGA says that John Daly has been suspended from the Tour five times, cited 11 times for bad conduct and been ordered to rehab seven times. And that was just last year.

A study says that too much time in front of the TV and computers for teens may result in problems developing relationships. This is especially considering what teens watch on the TV and computer.

Topeka, Kansas has temporarily renamed itself "Google, Kansas" to try to get the Internet company to test a new high speed Internet connection there. Yeah, like anybody uses the Internet in Kansas.

The Post Office says that it will have to stop delivering mail to homes and businesses on Saturdays. The Post Office then realized that you don't have to stop what you never started.

The earth’s movement during the earthquake in Chile may have actually shortened the length of the average day by one-millionth of a second. Or, as auctioneers call it, a sentence.

NBA star LeBron James has filed the paperwork that will allow him to change numbers on his jersey from #23 to #6, next season. In other news, former NBA player John Amaechi has decided that he wants to be #9. (think about it)

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. I can't believe people don't know about it. President Bush made it a national holiday five years ago.

March 3rd is “What if Cats and Dogs Had Opposable Thumbs Day”. In an unrelated story, March 4th is "What if People Thought of Days That Actually Make Some Sense Day".

President Barack Obama urged Congress Wednesday to vote "up or down" on sweeping health care legislation in the next few weeks. I was confused to hear that he was talking about Viagra.

A California man who tried to save water and money by removing his front lawn is being taken to court. That's strange. A California man can afford a front lawn?

Scientists trying to break the fat-and-disease link increasingly say inflammation is the key. I think they should break up the link into six parts. Fat, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, "Damn!", and "Oh, Hell no!".

The American Cancer Society revised its guidelines for prostate cancer screening on Wednesday. Wait, I didn't know prostate exams had guidelines.

Well, that's it for this afternoon! Please come back tomorrow for more monologue jokes!