Andy Rooney has died at age 92 from complications following surgery. I'm shocked. He had his whole life ahead of him.
John Boehner says his relationship with President Obama has become "a little frosty." Obama is a Democrat, and Boehner is a Republican. What would you expect?
Shocking news out of NYC this weekend: a Kenyan won a marathon.
An arrest warrant has been issued for former NFL receiver Terrell Owens. It's nice to know somebody wants him.
A 5.6 magnitude earthquake hit Oklahoma. In fact, the only shakier thing in that state was the Oklahoma State defense last Saturday.
A study says that a supersized soft drink can actually be a status symbol for people. Unfortunately, that symbol is called "fat".
Reese Witherspoon is giving up her $3,280 python handbag. I haven't seen a bag worth that much money since, I guess, Reese Witherspoon.
A study says that most Americans have only two friends. Thanks a lot, technology.
Some Oregon kids who were robbed of their Halloween candy received several pounds of candy donations over Craigslist. Talk about encouraging obesity.
Anonymous hackers have pledged to destroy Facebook. Anything but my farm! Anything!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Bipartisaship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bipartisaship. Show all posts
Monday, November 7, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"Rehab At Home"
February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
"The iPhone Is Addicting"
Last week was National Procrastination Week. Isn't it ironic that I'm telling you this now?
Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.
Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"
Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.
A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.
Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.
The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.
The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.
A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.
About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.
Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.
Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.
Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?
That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!
Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.
Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"
Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.
A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.
Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.
The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.
The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.
A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.
About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.
Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.
Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.
Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?
That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
"Mid-Life Crisis Is A Myth"
Here are my jokes for January 28. Sorry they are so late AND so limited.
Scientists now say that the “mid-life crisis” is a myth. However, I was a little puzzled when I found out that all these scientists were all between 35-40 years old.
President Obama said that he wants a bipartisan government. I would compare our government today to an amputated bird: Neither of them can successfully because one wing is doing all the work.
A study says that drinking blueberry juice can improve a person's memory. There is a little catch though: You first have to remember what kind of juice to buy.
I'm really sorry that they are this limited, but my parents are kicking me off. I hate this, but I'm seriously being rushed. There will be SOOOOOOOOOOO many more jokes tomorrow.
Scientists now say that the “mid-life crisis” is a myth. However, I was a little puzzled when I found out that all these scientists were all between 35-40 years old.
President Obama said that he wants a bipartisan government. I would compare our government today to an amputated bird: Neither of them can successfully because one wing is doing all the work.
A study says that drinking blueberry juice can improve a person's memory. There is a little catch though: You first have to remember what kind of juice to buy.
I'm really sorry that they are this limited, but my parents are kicking me off. I hate this, but I'm seriously being rushed. There will be SOOOOOOOOOOO many more jokes tomorrow.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
