"A Drunk Diet"

Today has been dubbed “Single-Tasking Day”. I read about it on my phone while driving.

Egypt wants to freeze the assets of ousted former Pres. Hosni Mubarak and his family. They not only want to freeze his assets, but they want to kick his ass.

Jesse James says he’ll write a tell-all memoir called “American Outlaw”. He can't do that. Lindsay Lohan already took that title.

In a recent Central Hockey League game, a Colorado Eagles coach, angry at a ref’s call, stripped off his clothes and threw them on the ice. Because if there's anything I want to do in a really cold atmosphere, it's to take all my clothes off.

An Egyptian man has named his daughter “Facebook” in honor of the role the site played in the recent government overthrow. If I feel sorry for anybody, it's the kid named Myspace who was born four years ago.

A survey says that 51% of women would give up sex for a full year in exchange for being thinner. The same study said that 0% of men would do the same thing.

Lady Gaga has endorsed a drunk diet that allows her to keep drinking and not gain weight. In a related story, Lindsay Lohan has been diagnosed with anorexia.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Mubarak's Ouster"

On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.

A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.

A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?

The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.

The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.

The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?

66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.

More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Encouraging Couples"

Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?

Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".

This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.

A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.

John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.

Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.

President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.

Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.

A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.

A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.

McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Staying Single"

Today, Feb. 11, is National Satisfied Staying Single Day. Or, as I call that, Valentine's Day.

Egypt’s Pres. Mubarak handed much of his power to his vice president, Omar Suleiman. To Egyptians, this is a dream come true. To Americans, that would be straight up awful if that happened.

Donald Trump has hinted that he may run for president in 2012. And you thought Meg Whitman spent a shitload of money on her campaign.

Clay Matthews will be a presenter at the upcoming Grammy Awards. It's either that, or Lady Gaga will be wearing a Packers jersey. Not like anybody will be able to tell the difference.

A report says that Viagra prescriptions reach a high the week before Valentine’s Day. I wonder why...

Australian scientists have developed a “thinking cap” that reportedly makes people more creative by running an electrical current into their brain. When the device worked, the scientists were shocked.

Michael Jordan practiced with his Charlotte Bobcats and reportedly still looked good. In fact, the Cleveland Cavaliers are asking Michael Jordan to play for them.

A new procedure provides a way for people to hear with their nose. I wonder what it's like to tell that person a secret.

Lindsay Lohan says she would consider a plea deal over felony grand theft charges if it includes no prison time. She's a celebrity. She's not getting jail time either way.

Donald Trump says the U.S. has become a “laughing stock”. Hey Donald, I'm sure your hair had something to do with that.

Former “American Idol” finalist Justin Guarini will join the Broadway production of “American Idiot”. So he went from American Idol to American Idiot. Like Paula Abdul.

Janet Jackson says she felt ugly and unattractive when she was younger. But the ugliest woman in the family is still Michael.

The college professor who had a camera implanted in the back of his head has had it removed. When he said "I have eyes in the back of my head", he wasn't kidding.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Unusual Visitors"

Nancy Pelosi says Bill O’Reilly’s question to President Obama regarding his feelings over how many people hate him was inappropriate. This, coming from the person in America who the most people hate.

In New Mexico today, they are celebrating Extraterrestrial Culture Day, where they honor strange, odd-looking, and unusual visitors. No, it's not an entire day dedicated to Lady Gaga.

President Obama scolded American businessmen Monday and told them to “get in the game”. I think that American businessmen do worse in the game than Ben Roethlisberger.

There’s a new iPhone game that lets you drive a pick up truck with illegal aliens in the back across the desert. There's actually a special cheat code that gives you papers to show to the Arizona police.

Sunday’s Super Bowl game was the most watched TV show in American history with 111 million viewers. Hey Roethlisberger, you picked a great day to fail.

The statue outside Wrigley Field of legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray has been vandalized. The criminals thought about vandalizing the Cubs' legacy, but they figured that it couldn't get any worse.

Detroit Mayor Dave Bing is planning to offer renovated homes for $1,000 to get police and firefighters to live in the city. The hard part is finding anyone who wants to live in Detroit.

A proposal in Texas would punish parents of sexting teens. Since it's Texas, I'm sure the punishment is that they have to look at the pictures.

Egypt has announced a raise for government employees. Because nothing deserves a raise like running a country where people hate you.

Marijuana smoking is being linked to an earlier onset of mental illness. Isn't that called "being high"?

A Chilean woman was arrested after calling in a bomb threat “out of love” to stop her boyfriend from leaving to take a job in another country. In America, this is actually considered normal.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Coffee And An Aspirin"

Former National Security Adviser Zbigniew Brzezinski says that Egypt won’t become a democracy overnight. It will become a democracy the day someone can spell his name correctly.

Sarah Palin is trying to trademark the names “Sarah Palin” and “Bristol Palin”. I'm not sure any other person on the planet would want their names.

American became fatter at a faster pace than any other country in the world in the past 30 years. At least Americans can say they were faster than any other country at something.

A study says the best hangover cure is coffee and an aspirin. Which, coincidentally, is what I need every time I go into a Starbucks.

A report says the Super Bowl is a “desirable target” for terrorists. In a related story, the flyover for the National Anthem has been cancelled.

Researchers say that football teams are most likely to go for it on fourth down at the end of the game, and that strategy can help businesses as well. However, that same study concluded that most businesses are at 4th and 30.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Available Online"

Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".

Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.

A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".

Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.

There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.

A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.

Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?

A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.

A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

That's all I have for right now! More later!

'Safe For Women"

Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.

An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.

A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?

Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.

An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.

Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?

The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?

There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.

A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.

A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!