"The Friendliest City"

Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Especially if those texts are of them without their clothes on.

Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.

Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.

A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.

President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?

President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.

Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"2 Billion Gallons"

Joke of the Day: Estonia recently held its first ever mosquito-catching contest. The winner received a year's supply of band-aids and ointment.

BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...

The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?

A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".

Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!

Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.

A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.

ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.

A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.

A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.

A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.

AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.

Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.

That's all for right now! More coming later!

"Cures For Jet Lag"

Joke of the Day: A researcher has infected himself with a computer virus. The first sign of this: every six seconds, the researcher thinks he's won a free XBOX360.

May 28 is South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford’s 50th birthday. He celebrated with a trip to the Appalachian Mountains, and then another trip to Argentina.

At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "No, Malia, you have it all wrong. I said plug the damn hole, not just the hole."

At his press conference, President Obama related a story where his daughter Malia asked him one morning, “Did you plug the hole yet, Daddy?”. To which President Obama said, "Well, not yet Malia, I have time. Biden doesn't have to give a speech until next week".

A new fad with young people in England has them pouring vodka directly into their eyes. Apparently a lot of young people in England prefer torture in their spare time.

Willie Nelson has cut his waist long braids off in favor of a shorter hair style. This marks the first time in history that Willie Nelson's bong has been longer than his hair.

Researchers say that cures for jet lag include coffee and sunlight. This is also known as "not flying Southwest".

President Obama’s border plan is said to be similar to that of President Bush’s. Let me be the first to say, "Oh God!".

A Chinese factory is asking for employees to sign a “no suicide” vow after twelve people have thrown themselves off buildings. This plan is expected to backfire. Six-year-olds probably don't know what the word "Suicide" is.

A study says that heavier girls are more likely to have early unprotected sex. That's because the heavy girls are too fat and lazy to get a condom.

A two year old Sumatran child smokes two packs of cigarettes a day. The child will most likely reunite with their British twin on "The Parent Trap".

That's all for now, my faithful reader! More coming up tomorrow!

"Kids Using Smokeless Tobacco"

Joke of the Day: New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. As a method of showing off his fame, George will pay his late fees entirely in one dollar bills.

Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. And priests celebrated with a nice sandwich.

Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. All the choir boys were on hand to sing Happy Birthday. And I'm N' Luv.

7-11 will start selling its own private label beer called “Game Day”. It's the perfect way to tell your friends, "I'm a sports fan. And completely broke."

An army medic successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on a woman at a Yankees baseball game. And yet, the medic couldn't stop the Yankees from choking.

Larry King has allegedly had an affair with his wife’s sister for years, according to staffers. This is being described as the "It's not my fault" maneuver.

A judge has ruled that a National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Atheists are calling this a miracle.

Health experts say that Major League Baseball is to blame for kids using smokeless tobacco. This is not true at all. The MLB is using it all.

Organizers of the Tea Party demonstrations on tax day say they wanted to keep the group from presenting a message of extremism. Well that worked out well.

A U.N. commission blames bad security on the assassination of Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in 2007. This is odd. Who knew the US had security working in Pakistan.

The Obamas earned $5.5 Million in 2009. And they don't even have to pay for a house.

The NFL is helping to produce a Broadway play about Vince Lombardi. To which married men everywhere said, "I'm not buying it".

Volcanic ash from Icelandic eruptions have grounded flights across Europe. This has gotten so bad that in Europe, Southwest Airlines is only able to make three stop-offs per trip.

Thai troops armed with assault rifles have moved to block Bangkok's prime business district from thousands of anti-government protesters. I'm guessing when you think of the prime business of Bangkok, would prostitution come to mind?

New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. And thus, national debt was born.

A San Francisco crime lab is at the center of a growing scandal after a woman who worked there snorted cocaine that was supposed to be evidence. And as punishment, Lindsay Lohan has been fired.

President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.

That's all for now! More upcoming.