President Obama has a proposed budget of $4 trillion. At least half of it will be used to pay for Game of War ads.
A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for a cast worn by Robert Griffin III. Who knows about overpaying for a useless item more than RGIII and the Redskins?
A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Yep, men spend Valentine's Day eating raw fish, and then they go on a sushi date.
Brian Williams has come under fire for fabricating a story about a chopper he was in during the Iraq War. I'm not saying Brian Williams has lost his credibility, but his most recent story was about me going on a date last Saturday night.
RadioShack filed for bankruptcy. So now if I want the newest electronics, I'll go to the place I was already going to instead of RadioShack.
Bruce Jenner is reportedly transitioning to become a woman. Apparently this news left Bobbi Kristina Brown speechless.
A Chinese developer has created a video game controller that's controlled by the vagina. Also controlled by the vagina: men.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. He's great for the Pro Bowl because it allows him to showcase his greatest strength: throwing to players who play for other teams.
Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. Pro Bowl officials decided to let him in after 36 other quarterbacks, six rocks, and a Denny's manager were deemed unavailable.
The Mueller Report says NFL didn't investigate into the Ray Rice domestic violence situation enough. Meanwhile, the Schubert Report says Ray Rice shouldn't have hit his wife in the first place.
Police in KY killed the first cougar seen there since the Civil War. It's a shame the cougar died before it got the chance to blow George Clooney.
A store in Paris uses 3D printing to sell mini versions of people. They're selling a mini version of me, and it comes with a mini girl that runs from it.
On NPR, Bill Cosby refused to deny the rape allegations against him. This proves once and for all that he doesn't see any value in the word "no".
Black Eyes Peas singer Fergie is pregnant. She knew she might have been pregnant when her period was so two thousand and late.
That's all I have for right now. Well, I don't know what else to say about my comedy grind except for the fact that it's been going well. No, I haven't been booked yet, but I'm working on that. All my club sets have gone really really well as of late, and I'll be going to more clubs as time goes on. In March alone, I'll be performing in at least two clubs (Go Bananas in Cincy on the 4th and Wiley's in Dayton on the 22nd). I'm really excited for how everything is going to turn out, because I feel as if I'm starting to hit a groove with this thing. As for the diet, for the first time since my junior year of high school, I'm under 200 pounds (194 as of right now)! That means that I've lost a total of 60 pounds so far. I know, that weight is gonna seem real shitty in a few months as I'm still losing more and more weight. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Anyway, enough of the petty bullshit. I'll have a new batch of dick jokes soon for you guys. More to come later!
Showing posts with label George Clooney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label George Clooney. Show all posts
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Thursday, September 1, 2011
"Sexual Prime"
An Ohio man was arrested for having sex with an inflatable raft. Oh, he's going to make a lot of friends in prison.
George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".
A human foot washed ashore on a beach in Vancouver, B.C., the eleventh one since 2007. It looks like Rex Ryan is going to have a very merry Christmas this year.
44-year old singer Sinead O'Connor says she is "in her sexual prime". I believe she spelled "past" wrong.
Oscar de la Hoya revealed that he used to be a crossdresser. Forget boxing. He should be the ring girl.
Katt Williams apologized for a racist rant against a Mexican heckler. That's right, she should be sorry.
That's all I have for today! Gotta go participate in a Demi Lovato twitter meme. She cuts herself! I would too if I were Demi Lovato. Well anyway, more tomorrow!
George Clooney says he is not interested in running for president. What a shame. He had locked up the cougar vote.
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he wants a permanent U.S. presence in Afghanistan. To which China said, "NO YOU DON'T".
A human foot washed ashore on a beach in Vancouver, B.C., the eleventh one since 2007. It looks like Rex Ryan is going to have a very merry Christmas this year.
44-year old singer Sinead O'Connor says she is "in her sexual prime". I believe she spelled "past" wrong.
Oscar de la Hoya revealed that he used to be a crossdresser. Forget boxing. He should be the ring girl.
Katt Williams apologized for a racist rant against a Mexican heckler. That's right, she should be sorry.
That's all I have for today! Gotta go participate in a Demi Lovato twitter meme. She cuts herself! I would too if I were Demi Lovato. Well anyway, more tomorrow!
Friday, June 24, 2011
"A Wailing Baby"
Winds of up to 100-mph were clocked in the Chicago area on Tuesday. Now what do they call Chicago again?
George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.
President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.
The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.
Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.
A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.
Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".
Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.
Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.
Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
George Clooney and his girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis have broken up. I wonder who his new cougar girlfriend is going to be.
President Obama silenced a wailing baby on the lawn of the White House this week. It's like he was golfing with Boehner all over again.
The FDA says problems with breast implants grow over a 10-year period. Actually, they don't grow, they sag.
Congressmen Ron Paul and Barney Frank are going to introduce a bill to legalize marijuana. I don't know about Ron Paul, but the last thing Barney Frank needs right now is the munchies.
A study says that babies tend to favor Picasso over Monet. What do they know? For God's sake, they're babies.
Researchers say that a few bad habits like watching TV. eating chips and drinking soda can add pounds over the years. Do you know what Americans call this? "Super Bowl Sunday".
Fried Kool-Aid is making its debut in San Diego. And I thought Jim Jones made Kool-Aid that will kill you.
Google has become the first website to notch one billion unique visitors in a month. One billion unique visitors in one month; just like Paris Hilton's vagina.
Tbat's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"Spontaneously Gay"
Joke of the Day: White Castle has unveiled candles that smell like hamburgers. We already have a bigger version of those. It's called a barbecue grill.
A study shows that women with higher voices prefer men with deeper voices. Women everywhere are saying, "Well, I don't like the actors, I want to find out more about the guy who narrates the movie previews".
A Brazilian Archbishop says that teenagers are “spontaneously gay” and need guidance. When an archbishop says that, it raises some suspicion.
Kelly Clarkson has been ranked as the most successful “American Idol” contestant. Taylor Hicks did make a strong case for the top rank, but after his unsuccessful campaign, he went back to his job as a waiter.
CNN and CBS are reportedly in talks for a merger. Now, an episode of the Big Bang Theory will feature Larry King saying, "Yep, I was there".
A 19 year old used the alias “Barack Obama” in a failed attempt to hack into an ATM. What do President Obama and that ATM have in common? They didn't give change like they were supposed to.
Today is actor George Clooney’s 49th birthday. Cougars all over the world have started sending him birthday cards.
An Episcopal church in Massachusetts will launch a monthly worship service solely for dogs. The main problem with this will be when the pastor goes up to the podium and all the dogs start barking.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A study shows that women with higher voices prefer men with deeper voices. Women everywhere are saying, "Well, I don't like the actors, I want to find out more about the guy who narrates the movie previews".
A Brazilian Archbishop says that teenagers are “spontaneously gay” and need guidance. When an archbishop says that, it raises some suspicion.
Kelly Clarkson has been ranked as the most successful “American Idol” contestant. Taylor Hicks did make a strong case for the top rank, but after his unsuccessful campaign, he went back to his job as a waiter.
CNN and CBS are reportedly in talks for a merger. Now, an episode of the Big Bang Theory will feature Larry King saying, "Yep, I was there".
A 19 year old used the alias “Barack Obama” in a failed attempt to hack into an ATM. What do President Obama and that ATM have in common? They didn't give change like they were supposed to.
Today is actor George Clooney’s 49th birthday. Cougars all over the world have started sending him birthday cards.
An Episcopal church in Massachusetts will launch a monthly worship service solely for dogs. The main problem with this will be when the pastor goes up to the podium and all the dogs start barking.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
"A Lifeless Man"
Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".
According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.
British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".
A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.
A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.
New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!
Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".
New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.
Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.
An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.
Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."
Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.
Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.
For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.
That's it for now! More later!
According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.
British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".
A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.
A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.
New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.
A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!
Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".
New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.
Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.
An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.
Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."
Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.
Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.
For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.
That's it for now! More later!
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