"Thou Shalt Commit Adultery"

Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. It's already improving the economy, as cyanide and Kool-Aid sales have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump came under fire for saying that he likes to "grab women by the pussy". If that comment taught me anything about Donald Trump, it's that he sucks at foreplay.

3 Doors Down is playing at Donald Trump's Inauguration. They've gone crazy, which begs the question: will you still call them Superman?

Joe Biden received an honorary Presidential Medal of Freedom. He was very disappointed when he found out it didn't have chocolate in the center.

Bengals HC Marvin Lewis may stop coaching after 2016. This is strange, because he usually stops coaching during the first round of the playoffs.

Alan Thicke has died at the age of 74. This means that in five months, Robin Thicke will release an album trying to bring him back to life.

During a TD celebration, Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott jumped in a Salvation Army kettle. Oh sure when he does it it's fine, but when I do it people "frantically search for a lid to trap me in".

Donald Trump has been selecting members of his cabinet, and his choices have been very controversial. But to his credit, it's the first time he's had a cabinet that wasn't full of stuff made in China.

The Bengals have released K Mike Nugent. He kicked himself to the curb, which proved the Bengals right because he was aiming for the sidewalk.

Old tablets with the Ten Commandments on them are up for auction in Beverly Hills. This is ironic since Beverly Hills' official slogan is "Thou shalt commit adultery".

Tila Tequila has been kicked off of Twitter for supporting Nazism. The only thing crazier than the fact that Tila Tequila is a Nazi is the fact that I'm saying any of those words in 2016.

Donald Trump's national security advisor said that "Islam is like cancer". That makes no sense, because Islam has never inspired me to run a 5k.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his "experience and ideology". Wow, he's even outsourcing his compliments to China.

Universal is opening a Jimmy Fallon themed ride. The one catch: instead of putting your hands in the air, you put them in Donald Trump's hair.

The Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series. It's crazy to think that the last time the Chicago Cubs were World Series champions, David Ross was just 13 years old.

Vine is shutting down. This means that Vine stars will have to resort to YouTube to show people how painfully unfunny they are.

RB Arian Foster is walking away from football. In typical Arian Foster fashion, he's doing so on one leg while being assisted by a coach and a trainer.

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died at the age of 87. Due to his death, other caskets will put a nickel on the ground so they don't lose their burial plot.

Well, that's it for right now. So I forgot to post on New Year's Eve, so I figured I'd make up for it by posting on the final day of Barack Obama's presidency (which, in all honesty, flew the fuck by). Anyway, 2016 was the craziest year of my life. I hit even more milestones, met a bunch of new people, worked a couple of killer weekends at Go Bananas, and, unfortunately had my driver's license suspended (I'm in the clear now). I'm expecting even crazier things to happen in 2017, and so far it hasn't disappointed, as I have already changed my so-called iconic Twitter handle (I'm now @bigschubes), met new friends and worked an amazing weekend at Go Bananas. If I interacted with you at all in 2016, thank you for being a part of it. I love you and you're the best. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Deez Nuts"

Derrick Rose has been accused of drugging and raping his ex-girlfriend. To be fair, he tore his ACL while going after her the last time she ran away.

A guy named Deez Nuts ran as an independent presidential candidate. Coincidentally, "Deez Nuts" is the collective name of all the Republican nominees.

Sesame Street will now air on HBO. This is fantastic, because now I get to find out what Big Bird's sideboob looks like.

Jets QB Geno Smith is out for 6-10 weeks after breaking jaw in a locker room fight. The injury is a devastating blow to opposing defenses.

Texans RB Arian Foster opened up about not believing in God. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert opened up about not believing in Arian Foster's hamstring.

One Direction's Louis Tomlinson is going to be a dad. I think I speak for all hack open mikers when I say this was a result of One Erection.

The LA Clippers successfully lobbied DeAndre Jordan to stay with the Clippers instead of leaving to join the Mavericks. Now, the Clippers will camp out in my apartment until I quit comedy.

The Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in all 50 US states. Now, Republicans are eagerly awaiting to blame the next hurricane on the Supreme Court's ruling.

Rick Perry said the Charleston shooting was an "accident". Wow, I can't believe I misunderstood "I'm here to kill black people" as blatant racism.

John Stamos was arrested for DUI. The whole thing could've been prevented if the bartender listened when Dave Coulier said "Cut. Him. Off."

A study says Nickelback has the most intelligent lyrics in rock. I can't help but look at this ridiculous study. Every time I do it makes me laugh.

Josh Duggar of 19 Kids and Counting has confessed to molesting some of his younger sisters. Before we know it, one of his other sisters will become an open mic comedian and do an "I wasn't hot enough to be molested" joke.

That's all I have for right now. Ready for a big update? Tough shit, nothing has really happened. Just continuing on my comedy grind. I did a guest spot in Dayton for Brent Morin from NBC's Undateable, and I had a kickass time at Brewhaha once again, but other than that, it's been fairly stagnant as of late. That's not to say I haven't been trying. I've been writing tons of jokes (as you can see above), and I feel that I've improved ever since my weekend. Well, you can go back to your fun life of going through random blogs because let's face it, you probably randomly clicked on this. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!