Nearly 1 in 6 Americans lives in poverty. The other five don't invest in stocks.
Olympic gold medalist Carl Lewis is running for the state senate in New Jersey. I expect him to win, because, of course, it involves running.
New York City had 342 reports of suspicious packages over the 9/11 anniversary weekend. Suspicious packages in NYC? Insert Anthony Weiner joke here...
A study says that night owls are more likely to have nightmares. How can you have a nightmare if you sleep during the day?
A Youtube video features a man who performs 34 “Star Wars” voice impressions. And guess what ladies, he's single!
Iran has banned TV programs showing half-naked men and love triangles. I'm guessing Ahmadinejad tuned in to Jersey Shore.
Former White House party crasher Michaele Salahi was reported to be kidnapped, but it turns out she ran off with the guitarist from Journey. As to where she ran off, check all the parties she wasn't invited to.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Anthony Weiner. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anthony Weiner. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
"Environmental Literacy"
General Mills reported that its 4th quarter profits rose 51%. In other words, General Mills is a polar opposite of LeBron James.
June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".
Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?
Turtles crossing a runway at JFK International Airport in New York caused flight delays. Have you ever been on the runway at an airport? The airplanes ARE the turtles.
A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. I blame the man for taking advice from Jerry Seinfeld.
Maryland schools are adding environmental literacy to their graduation requirements. Environmental literacy; isn't that called "science class"?
Norma Lyon, the butter sculptor for Iowa State Fair, has died at age 81. She will be buried on the shelf of her refrigerator.
Chicago has adopted a new tourism slogan, “Second to none”. I think "Second to last" sounds more appropriate.
That's all I have for today! Well, this was my 400th post! Yay me! And personally, I think this was a good bunch of jokes for an anniversary post like this. Anyway, more tomorrow!
June 30 is National Handshake Day. Or as people that meet Anthony Weiner call it, "Just Wave Hello Day".
Charlie Sheen says he took steroids for 6 or 8 weeks during the filming of the 1989 movie “Major League”. Seriously, what drug hasn't this guy taken?
Turtles crossing a runway at JFK International Airport in New York caused flight delays. Have you ever been on the runway at an airport? The airplanes ARE the turtles.
A man is blaming Jerry Seinfeld and the show “The Marriage Ref” for breaking up his marriage. I blame the man for taking advice from Jerry Seinfeld.
Maryland schools are adding environmental literacy to their graduation requirements. Environmental literacy; isn't that called "science class"?
Norma Lyon, the butter sculptor for Iowa State Fair, has died at age 81. She will be buried on the shelf of her refrigerator.
Chicago has adopted a new tourism slogan, “Second to none”. I think "Second to last" sounds more appropriate.
That's all I have for today! Well, this was my 400th post! Yay me! And personally, I think this was a good bunch of jokes for an anniversary post like this. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
"A Referee's Error"
In Portland, Oregon, thousands of people participated in the annual World Naked Bike Ride. And you thought you got a painful ass print from your toilet.
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.
A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".
Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.
A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.
A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.
A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Anthony Weiner formally submitted his resignation from Congress on Monday. I thought he would've blamed hackers for submitting it.
Bristol Palin writes that she lost her virginity when she got really drunk on wine coolers. God, I've heard about more sophisticated things happening at a NASCAR event.
A dating website that boasts of only having beautiful people dropped 30,000 members for being “too ugly”. "This is an outrage. I want my money back," said dropped member Alex Schubert.
-As if that wasn't bad enough, the website counted me as two people.
-Said my comic friend Neil Berliner (sarcastically), "You crashed the server".
Venus Williams opened play at Wimbledon in a one-piece playsuit that exposed much of her back. It's almost as if her fashion designer was a hospital.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon is so old, he remembers when Babe Ruth was still a babe.
The Florida Marlins hired 80-year-old Jack McKeon as their interim manager. McKeon deals with more low balls than a sinkerball pitcher's catcher.
A study says that whining is the worst sound in the world. This study was conducted by every single parent that has ever lived.
A tombstone reveals that a Roman Gladiator died because of a referee’s error. Apparently the tombstone was written by a fan that attended the game.
A poll says that 22% of Americans are hesitant to support a Mormon running for President. It's not that they don't like what he believes, but they aren't used to "First Lady" being plural.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, June 20, 2011
"Too Drunk To Sing"
An Israeli court has sentenced a dog to be stoned to death. In America, we call being stoned to death "An overdose".
A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.
A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.
Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.
A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.
Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.
One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?
Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A report says that Afghanistan is the most dangerous place in the world for women. Coming in a close second: the Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room.
A study says that one in three people regret a past tweet or post on the Internet. The other two people pretty much have nothing to lose.
Anthony Weiner has been offered a cameo role on "Entourage". Seriously though, the last thing he needs right now is to be in front of a camera.
A study says that smells can affect people's behavior. This explains why New Jersey is in such turmoil.
Amy Winehouse was booed at a concert recently because she appeared "too drunk to sing". Too drunk to sing? That woman is too drunk to function.
One of Hillary Clinton's former interns has become a porn star. What is it with the Clintons and slutty interns?
Jackass star Ryan Dunn has died at the age of 34 in a car crash. His last words were, "Did you guys get that on camera?".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 17, 2011
"Officially Resigned"
Anthony Weiner has officially resigned. God, I wonder what he's going to do with all his free time.
A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.
Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?
Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.
Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that falling asleep right after sex may leave your partner wanting attention and more bonding time. This study was conducted as scientists observed EVERY single married couple on the planet.
Congressional Democrats may strip Anthony Weiner of all his committee assignments. Wasn't it stripping Anthony Weiner that got him in trouble in the first place?
Lady Gaga's meat dress is now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is expected to be viewed by thousands of people, as well as millions of flies.
Cancer rates are continuing to fall. I knew this was coming. Last week, I participated in a charity run that was only 3k.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Better Than Anyone Else"
The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Using The F-Word"
Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, June 13, 2011
"A Round Of Golf"
Joe Biden, John Boehner, and Ohio Governor John Kasich will play a round of golf together. Three men of power, one Democrat, two Republicans, a guy who never shuts up, a guy who won't stop crying, and a former Wall Street worker, are all hanging out with golf clubs in their hands. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "What could possibly go wrong?".
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
June 13 is the Olsen twins' birthday. Fittingly, there will be no birthday cake.
Singer Selena Gomez was rushed to a hospital with nausea following an appearance on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno”. She became nauseous when she realized that she's dating Justin Bieber.
Mike Tyson and Sylvester Stallone were inducted into the International Boxing Hall of Fame. They were also permanently banned from the International Public Speaking Hall of Fame.
Harrison Frazar won his first PGA Tour title in his 355th tournament attempt. And that was on the video game.
Now that Osama bin Laden is dead, who is the most hated man in America? Well, I think it's the guy who showed Anthony Weiner how to use a camera.
Rapper Fat Joe recently lost 88 pounds. Now, his friends call him "Joe".
A poll rates Americans as the funniest people in the world, with Germans the least funny. And conveniently enough, my ancestors came from Germany.
The Federal Reserve wants more banks to divulge their finances. If only banks had finances to begin with.
3-D images reveal how the brain loses consciousness. To be fair, though, it's just a Polaroid picture of a beer bottle.
Well, that's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
"Rent-A-Grandma"
USA Today says that the actual government debt is $61 Trillion. Alex, I'll take "We're Screwed" for $200, please.
The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.
There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.
Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?
A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?
Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The CEO of General Motors warned Congress about the threat of our national debt. When the CEO of General Motors says the national debt is threatening, you must be doing something seriously wrong.
There is a new LA-based employment firm called Rent-A-Grandma. It's what Ashton Kutcher used to find his wife.
Terrelle Pryor will forgo his senior season at Ohio State. God, Jim Tressel resigned, and now, Terrelle Pryor is not coming back. Their new slogan: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO?!?!?!?!?
A study says that age does not affect testosterone levels in healthy men. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.
New York GOP Chairman Ed Cox is calling for Anthony Weiner to resign after the Twitter photo scandal. Ed Cox, Anthony Weiner; who’s next? Andy Dick?
Anthony Weiner’s wife is reportedly pregnant. Which one?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
"Foreskin Man"
Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted that the underwear photo that appeared on his Twitter account was his. With a name like Weiner, what do you expect?
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.
Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.
A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.
A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin insists she did not mess up her interpretation of Paul Revere’s famous ride. Palin added, "Of course, the Yiddish did actually come".
Al-Qaeda reportedly has a new leader. I don't know who the leader is, but I'm just going to assume his name is Something al-Something.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The hero is named "Foreskin Man", and he spends most of the time fighting his enemy, "The Raging Scalpel'.
There is a new comic book that is anti-circumcision. The comic book's writers even plan to make a movie about it, but everyone is looking forward to the uncut version.
Mitt Romney says he “believes the world is getting warmer”. To be fair, he is really tan.
A New Jersey barber reportedly bit off half of a customer’s ear after he complained the haircut was taking too long. It's good to see Mike Tyson working again.
A woman has written a book where she makes herself perform one scary task every day. In chapter 46, she tries to spend 30 consecutive seconds looking at a picture of me.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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