"Gltiuy Of The Btoson Bmobnig"

A study says people that have more sex are less happy. This study included statistics, expert opinions, and pictures of my recent trip to Disney World.

American Idol has been canceled by Fox after 15 seasons. However, it was canceled by most American households after 9 seasons.

American Idol has been canceled. Speaking of has-beens, I hear Justin Guarini and Sanjaya Malakar picked up extra shifts at Applebees today.

Jacksonville Jaguars DE and 3rd overall pick Dante Fowler Jr. tore his ACL at his first NFL practice. Even with his torn ACL, he's still the 4th best player on their team.

A woman in a wheelchair on the Price is Right won a treadmill. Not to be outdone, I just won dinner for two at a romantic restaurant.

Kristen Stewart said that Hollywood is "disgustingly sexist". That's absurd. A woman talking?

Two University of Akron graduates invented a device that detects drivers under the influence of marijuana. It's called a Taco Bell drive thru window.

CNN has hired 40 political reporters to boost ratings. Apparently the key to making yourself not boring is hiring 40 boring people.

A Florida man claiming to be Thor was caught having sex with a tree. To be fair, anyone that has sex with a tree would end up very very Thor.

A verdict has been reached in the trial for Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He was found gltiuy of the Btoson Bmobnig, and he is expected to be sentenced to lfie in psiron. (update - he was recently sentenced to daeth)

Vanilla Ice was charged with burglary and sentenced to 100 hours pf community service. This will be the closest he's come to having a job in 15 years.

Indiana recently signed into law a new religious freedom bill that allegedly gives businesses the right to discriminate against gay people. Yep, it gives Indiana businesses the right to openly practice their Christianity by judging others.

On Tinder, Jason Derulo recently promoted his new single. Ironically, it's the same app where I promote myself being terribly single.

March 14th is known as "Pi Day", which celebrates the mathematical concept of Pi. If you celebrate Pi Day, I'll refer to you as a "Circle's circumference" because people who celebrate a day about Pi are squares.

ESPN recently aired several Alex Rodriguez at bats on Sportscenter in his chase for Willie Mays' home run total. I assume they did this to make sure he didn't eat the pitcher.

That's all for now, friends! And boy has my life changed dramatically since my last post in early March. It's changed for the better, and in some ways, for the worse, so strap in, folks.

First, in mid March, I recently achieved a credit that not a lot of comics can say they have achieved. Somehow, I was the tweet of the day on Comedy Central's @midnight. This feat is next to impossible to achieve. Tens of thousands of tweets are sent on their topic every night. This night, the topic was #MakeACelebrityIrish, and my tweet "Carrot Top o' the mornin to ya" (which I almost deleted) was the selected tweet out of tens of thousands of tweets that night. I had been trying for over a year, and I had sent at least a couple hundred tweets to that show for their games. I treated them like joke writing exercises, and they kept my mind and my Twitter account active. Have I had funnier @midnight tweets? Yes (see my #TVShowSequels entry "I Didn't Know I Left My Child That I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant With In A Hot Car"), but this is the only one that achieved tweet of the day status. When it happened, I lost my shit. It was completely unexpected. It's a small credit, but it was still great for me.

The very next day, I got a message from the guy who books MCs at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, and he asked me if I wanted to host the April 9th-12th weekend at Go Bananas, to which I immediately agreed. The comic I got to open six shows for was the incredible Nate Bargatze. This guy is beloved in the standup community and has an unreal amount of credits (Conan, @midnight, an hour special on Comedy Central, a favorite of Jimmy Fallon, to name a few). This weekend, besides the Sunday show where a lady got offended by one of my inoffensive and highly personal jokes, went incredible. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I learned a ton and got to hang out with some awesome people.

Yeah, I had an incredible streak of two and a half weeks where literally everything went right, and while this streak was going on, I knew at some point that it'd be over and I'd come back down to earth. And boy did I. First, in early April, I made the mistake at my job at Toby Keith's of acting like a babydaddy from the Maury show in front of the all black kitchen staff. They were understandably offended, and in the blink of an eye, I went from potential big money during Reds season to being fired. I was distraught for awhile, but at a job where I was looked down upon and made fun of almost every shift, it was a semi relief. I was also hoping to get a girlfriend by the end of the school year after losing a shit ton of weight and gaining confidence. In a stretch of three weeks, I was turned down by two girls. I was depressed for a bit, but now I'm back on my feet and doing well. I have a new job at Dewey's Pizza, and I have new methods to try and get a girlfriend (one of which, ironically, is to stop trying super hard).

My life has taken some crazy turns recently, but I'm still the same goofy fuck I was since the last post. Here's to another crazy few months! Anyway, more later!

"Feeding Him Popcorn"

First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.

There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.

The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?

A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.

A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.

A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.

An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.

Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.

A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".

A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.

"Blamed It On Diarrhea"

Joke of the Day: Kirstie Alley has confirmed that her 17-year-old son is engaged to be married. This wedding is expected to break a world record. The world's fastest eaten wedding cake.

A new porn magazine is coming out for the blind in Braille. Seriously, that's as useless as an iPod for the deaf.

An Iowa teenager will attend her high school prom wearing a dress she made out of Wrigley’s gum wrappers. Chances of this girl having a date are pretty small.

New York Yankees relief pitcher Chan Ho Park had a terrible outing in his first appearance this season and blamed it on diarrhea. In other words, his bad outing has been blamed on the runs.

A good-looking significant other will cause other potential mates to find you more desirable, new research suggests. The research has been entitled, "Must be his wallet".

Derek Lowe has called rookie outfielder Jason Heyward a young Alex Rodriguez. Unfortunately, he wasn't talking about what he does on the field.

Hank Aaron believes batters shouldn't try to hit a homerun every time they're at bat. That's like Lindsay Lohan telling everyone to "Say No!"

A Swedish man who flew passenger jets in countries around Europe for more than a decade without a license was let off with a light fine by a Dutch court on Tuesday. Now would be a good time for the "But everyone's doing it" excuse.

Recently, Ellen DeGeneres asked Eva Longoria Parker to strip on her show. You don't have to be lesbian to do that, Ellen.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"The Greatest Excuse Ever"

Poor vision is linked to dementia in older people. Dementia victims don't see how.

A study says that napping can boost brain power. Or, as teenagers call it, "The greatest excuse ever to sleep during class".

Joe Biden called Dick Cheney to wish him well after his recent heart attack. Wait, since when did Dick Cheney have a heart?

Senate Leader Harry Reid says that domestic violence is increasing because of U.S. joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.

“The Crazies” opens in movie theaters this week. Polluted with a toxin, an entire townsfolk become psychopaths. It's a documentary about crystal meth.

The Winter Olympics have been seen on TV by half of all Americans. NBC wants to keep the success going. They are changing the peacock to a penguin.

In a recent survey of young adults, nearly 2/3 of them admit to texting while driving. The other 1/3 admit to talking on the phone while driving.

An employee at Sea World Orlando has died after being attacked by a killer whale. As punishment, the whale has been sentenced to Red Lobster.

Gillette says that Tiger Woods will never appear in another one of their commercials. Apparently Tiger doesn't want to shave just his face.

A newly formed Czech travel agency is offering escorted trips for pampered toys. And as a bonus for booking a trip, the owners will be given a free trip as well - to a psychiatric ward.

Violence, drunkenness and all manner of debauchery featured on a six-month voyage on a migrant ship bound for Australia 170 years ago, a newly discovered diary reveals. And all that was just the captains of the ship.

Derek Jeter recently said that he wants to retire as a New York Yankee. Someone needs to tell him that Alex Rodriguez playing in the hot corner does not imply anything sexual.

More than 8 in 10 young adults sleep with their cell phones by their beds. In retrospect, that means they don't sleep at all.

That's all I have for today! Hopefully better jokes tomorrow.