"On The Shelves"

“Jersey Shore” will film its fourth season in Italy. The cast of Jersey Shore is less Italian than the Olive Garden.

A marijuana soft drink is going to be on the shelves soon. It's going to be placed right next to that other drug-laced soda: Coke.

Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco says he’ll change his name back to Chad Johnson. He did this after realizing that football players only have nicknames if they're good.

A Chicago area car salesman was fired for wearing a Green Bay Packers tie the day after the Packers beat the Bears. But not before the dealership owner strangled him with it.

A survey says that 66% of Americans don’t take precautions to avoid spreading the flu when they are sick. These people no longer have friends who want to be around them.

A survey says that 27% of Facebook users connect with friends while they are on the toilet. Here's what I'm gonna say to those people: Life is short, but it ain't that short.

Taiwan is experimenting with a solution to pollution, smell and water use on pig farms by training the pigs to use a toilet. It's working so well that all the female pigs are nagging their husbands when they don't put the seat down.

Exams show that very few students are proficient enough at science to make it a career. The same can be said about me and my jokes.

A study says that love can last a lifetime for some people. This study was not conducted in Hollywood.

A man is suing the city he works for after being fired for not taking a drug test because of his inability to "urinate on demand". He did test positive for a drug: Flomax.

A study is suggesting a link between a high thermostat setting and obesity. The link is called "sweating".

A study says that traffic noise can raise the risk of having a stroke. In other words, if you work a 9-to-5 job in LA, you're screwed.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Royal Work Load"

Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.

A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.

Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.

A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.

A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".

An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.

A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.

A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.

A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.

A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.

Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?

An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.

That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!