The memoirs of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been published without his approval. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
A Ukrainian man won a dumpling eating contest by eating ten dumplings in half a minute and then died. I have to ask; how bad was the cook?
Michigan congressman Thaddeus McCotter has dropped out of the presidential race. He would have run, but even he didn't know who he was.
Scientists say they have discovered particles that move faster than the speed of light. It's a Jew with a coupon. (Cowritten by my buddy Josef Pevsner)
Asthma inhalers are being phased out by the government to protect the ozone layer. That's right. Our government prefers the environment to its own people.
Florida Marlins reliever Leo Nunez has been suspended for playing under a false identity. "Why would anybody do that," said Charlie Sheen, aka Carlos Estevez.
A report says that the federal government pays dead employees $120 Million a year. Wasteful government spending my ass!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Government. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Government. Show all posts
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Monday, January 31, 2011
'Safe For Women"
Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.
A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?
Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.
An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.
Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.
Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?
The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?
There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.
A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.
A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, December 10, 2010
"A Paper Copy"
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is 54 today. Of course, that thing on his head thinks he's 19.
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
In Britain, students attacked Prince Charles over recent increases in college tuition. When he heard that the students said they wanted to decrease tuition, Prince Charles said, "Okay, let's talk. I'm all ears".
A new survey reveals that only 4 percent of people over age 65 use Twitter. The other 96% still think Twitter has to do with birdwatching.
Legendary porn actor John Leslie has died at the age of 65. He will have an open casket. Just like the costars of his movies.
A city in Germany has created a “pleasure tax”, forcing prostitutes to purchase tickets for each day they’re working. This means that German prostitutes will have to pay taxes to the same government workers that they're sleeping with.
College teams Illinois and Oakland played seven minutes with a women’s basketball. The other 33 minutes, they played with a pee-wee ball.
A study says that one way to avoid eating junk food is to imagine eating it bite by bite. Scientists say this will have a profound effect on up to three people.
One and a half million Americans are going to be notified their health insurance is below standard. In an unrelated story, one and a half million Americans have health insurance.
Two thirds of Amerians say the country is going in the wrong direction. The other one third of Americans are Republicans ecstatic about the previous election.
Dallas Police will start to issue electronic traffic tickets that won't require them to hand over a paper copy. Meanwhile in Arizona, Mexicans are completely jealous.
Baltimore Orioles outfielder Luke Scott questioned President Obama's birthplace during an interview. Because if anyone knows how to get it done right, it's the guy who plays for the Baltimore Orioles.
A report says the U.S. life expectancy fell slightly after the recession started. This is mainly due to people killing themselves.
A study says that music soothes critically ill patients. You know how to contradict this study? Screamo.
A study says that fewer drivers are drinking or on drugs. They're just texting.
Ralph Nader says that President Obama will have a primary challenge because of his tax cut deal with Republicans. Because if anybody knows what it takes to be President, it's Ralph Nader.
A&E has canceled “The Hasselhoffs” after two episodes. They wanted to replace it with a show that actually has a chance to get some viewers.
President Obama has now gone nine months without a cigarette. This streak was broken when he got smoked by the Republicans.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
"Royal Work Load"
Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.
A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.
Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.
A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.
A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".
An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.
A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.
A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.
A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.
A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?
An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.
That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!
In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.
A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.
Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.
A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.
A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".
An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.
A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.
A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.
A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.
A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.
Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?
An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.
That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
"A Pink Wig"
Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.
Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.
Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.
A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.
One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.
A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".
A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.
Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.
China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.
A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.
A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.
The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Being Dishonest"
President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
"A Full Hour In The Gym"
Worried that the American people still do not support the health care overhaul, Pres. Obama will make his case on the road, starting in Iowa. Or, as George Bush calls it, a coast-to-coast trip.
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Rosie O’Donnell says she is ready to return to American television. And you thought "The View" couldn't get any worse.
New research suggests that older women need a full hour in the gym if they want to lose weight. They should work out in a gym with a ton of people. The extra weight should run away in embarrassment within the first ten minutes.
A new CW reality series called “Fly Girls” will follow the lives of five Virgin America flight attendants. They should call the show "Yeah, they exist".
In Colorado, the organizers of a group that stole $20,000 worth of baby formula pleaded guilty. The group has been sentenced to an hour-long timeout and a spanking.
Obese children are at increased risk for leg and foot injuries, a new study finds. I disagree 100 percent. How can obese children injure their legs and feet when they never use them?
Miley Cyrus was a voice coach on last night's episode of "American Idol". That's like Oprah Winfrey being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".
Police say someone has dumped hundreds of breads, bagels and buns along a river in Muncie, Ind. And you thought our government was wasting dough...
Jerry Springer is set to host a new dating show on GSN. It's being called "Friday Night Fights 2".
Toyota has offered to replace the gas pedal in any of their cars if the owner is not satisfied. Here's my question: How can you be unsatisfied with a Toyota gas pedal and live to get a new one?
A Russian math whiz says he may not accept a $1 Million prize for solving a 100 year old problem. Apparently the problem was why you can't spend American money in Russia.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"The Mark McGwire Highway"
Fox is leading all other networks with indecency complaints to the FCC. Sadly, it only took Family Guy to put them at the top.
The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.
The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.
A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.
The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?
Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.
80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?
More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.
Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.
The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.
People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.
New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.
General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.
That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!
The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.
The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.
A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.
The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?
Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.
80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?
More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.
Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.
The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.
People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.
New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.
General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.
That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!
Monday, February 22, 2010
"He Won't Allow Heckling"
Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."
Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.
A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".
Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".
Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"
The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"
The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.
A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.
Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.
Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".
That's it for now! More soon.
Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.
A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".
Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".
Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"
The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"
The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".
Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.
A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.
Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.
Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".
That's it for now! More soon.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
"$27 Million Observation Deck"
Utah is considering eliminating 12th grade for students who finish with the requirements early. One of the requirements makes them fit in with Utah adults and high school students around the country: the boys must have more than one girlfriend.
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
A study says that doctors on TV medical programs show the wrong responses to medical problems half the times. The study is going to be entitled either "Baywatch" or "Scrubs".
"Joe the Plumber" is turning on John McCain, saying McCain was trying to use him. This would have mattered, you know, in 2008.
Researchers are looking at why people live to be 100. I came up with the conclusion to that study in less than five seconds: they live a healthy lifestyle.
President's Day was yesterday. What better way to celebrate people who do nothing by doing nothing all day?
Astronauts installed a fancy new $27 million observation deck in outer space over the weekend. Russian astronauts installed a telescope, lawn chairs, and a window.
Nearly 109,000 people packed Cowboys Stadium in Dallas Sunday for the NBA All-Star Game. The fans were wondering why the halftime show didn't include Sheryl Crow, Taylor Swift, and Rascal Flatts.
Well, that's all I have for today! More to come tomorrow!
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