The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
Showing posts with label Dirty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dirty. Show all posts
Monday, February 6, 2012
Monday, October 24, 2011
"Funnier Than Women"
Joe Biden implied to a CNN reporter that he might make a run for the White House in 2016. Even Jill is saying, "No. Not gonna happen."
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.
Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.
The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?
A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.
Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.
A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that men are funnier than women. Apparently I wasn't included in the study.
Three new books say that the world is becoming less violent. All three books were written by men who live under a rock.
Bernard Madoff says in a letter that he feels safer in prison than in New York City. I mean it's a place full of assraping and scary men who want to kill you. And prison is frightening, too.
Doctors say an unrelenting sex drive is a symptom of rabies. That's why my dog is always humping everything.
The movie "Like Crazy" was shot without a script. A movie without a script; isn't that called a documentary?
A Detroit restaurant is offering a 338 pound hamburger for $2,000. So if you're fat and have a lot of money, this deal is for you. (That means you, Kirstie.)
The Indianapolis Colts lost to the New Orleans Saints 62-7 yesterday. That was such a collapse on Indianapolis' part, I thought Sugarland would've played the halftime show.
Justin Bieber is going to play at the American Music Awards. Just what the American Music Awards need: a Canadian.
A new study says that most children of illegal immigrants in L.A. don’t graduate high school. To be fair, who needs a high school diploma to use a Windex bottle?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
"Straw Poll"
The White House says it will start saving us all money by purchasing things in bulk. It looks like Costco has a new shopper!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
A Republican member of congress says the Obama tax increases would make him unable to feed his family on a $400k budget. Where does this guy eat? At a baseball stadium?
Nigeria's government is telling people to ignore rumors that a phone call from a certain number will kill the person taking the call. This is what Americans call "a chain letter".
Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul has won California's straw poll. And by "straw poll", I mean the candidate that sucks the most.
Moammar Qaddafi says his regime is still alive in Libya. I'd compare his regime to the playoff chances of the Cincinnati Bengals.
Touring a meat processing plant in Iowa, Michele Bachmann was photographed among hanging beef. I wonder if touring a place with a lot of meat was Marcus' idea.
A kindergartner in Missouri brought a bag of crystal meth and a crack pipe to school for show and tell. I know what you all are thinking: Mom of the Year!
Starbucks is being sued after a hidden video camera was found in one of the unisex bathrooms. They said they are going to take about three weeks to look at the evidence.
Gisele Bundchen, supermodel wife of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, was stopped for speeding in Massachusetts and given only a verbal warning. As to where she was going, I would rule out any place with food.
Paula Abdul says that Simon Cowell has been her “best teacher”. I didn't know Simon Cowell knew how to swallow ten pills at once.
Casey Anthony says that she has "a lot of regrets". Let's hope killing her daughter is one of them.
A woman with a large Afro had her hair searched for bombs at an Atlanta airport. Even worse, the Afro wasn't on her head.
That's all I have for today! I'm so sorry for that last joke. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Friday, August 26, 2011
"Snakes In His Pants"
Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.
Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".
A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.
One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.
Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.
A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.
The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.
Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.
Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.
The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".
A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.
That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!
Friday, August 19, 2011
"The Most Debt"
An 11-year-old “mayor for a day” in Forney, TX renamed part of Main Street after Justin Bieber. That must be awkward for teenage drivers. "Hey where are you?" "I'm on Justin Bieber."
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Scientists say the earth is not expanding. Considering the size of people now, it really should expand before it's too late.
Tuesday was the anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death. In honor of Elvis, I refused to sit on the toilet.
The Alaska woman who punished her child by making him stand naked in a cold shower is on trial for abuse. May I call to the stand, the smallest penis in the history of mankind.
Abercrombie & Fitch has asked The Situation to stop wearing its clothes. I wouldn't be surprised if they asked me to do the same thing.
A Chicago woman is suing a bathtub manufacturer after she got stuck in a tub for 30 hours. If anything, the bathtub should sue the woman for 30 hours of hell.
Estimates say that Japan is the nation with the most debt. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "HOW?!?!?".
A study says that moderate drinking can fight dementia. And heavy drinking can encourage it.
French actor Gerard Depardieu was thrown off an Air France flight after peeing on the plane’s floor. The weird part: that actually made the plane smell better.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, July 25, 2011
"Ecstasy And Cocaine"
The NFL lockout is officially over. Oh god, what is SportsCenter going to talk about NOW?
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?
A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.
A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.
A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.
I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.
Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Amy Winehouse was found dead over the weekend. Her death is expected to take a huge toll on the cocaine industry.
A report says that 150 human and animal hybrids have been created in British laboratories. This might explain their teeth.
Harry Reid criticized the House for taking off for the weekend, saying they were “untoward”. Who knew Sarah Palin taught him grammar?
A New York man was arrested for trying to force his iPhone down his girlfriend’s throat during a fight. That was only the second thing shoved down her throat that night.
A survey says that bosses are more likely to be mad about meetings that don’t start or end on schedule than those that have no purpose. I believe both of these problems can be found in Congress.
A study says that low-information voters are more likely to cast their votes based on a candidate’s looks. This explains how Sarah Palin got the VP nomination.
I'm assuming the party to celebrate gay marriage in New York will be held on Broadway.
Amy Winehouse reportedly bought ecstasy and cocaine before her death. And you expect me to be surprised?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"Paradise Lost"
“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, May 27, 2010
"Bob Dylan's Lyrics"
Joke of the Day: A college professor in New York is teaching Bob Dylan's lyrics as literature. That's like recommending Kirstie Alley's diet in health class.
A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.
British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.
Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.
President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?
Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?
A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.
Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A study says that video gamers can control their dreams. Like they wish they could be that soldier in Call of Duty.
British Petroleum admits that their decision to proceed with a flawed oil rig was a “fundamental mistake”. You know, like all their other methods of stopping the oil spill.
Researchers say that playing in the dirt can make people smarter because of bacteria in the environment. Hopefully it will make them smart enough to take a bath once their done.
President Bush’s new book will begin with his decision to quit drinking. Why didn't he quit drinking when he got into the White House?
Country singer Willie Nelson cut off all his hair. This is a terrible idea. Where can he hide all his drugs?
A “carpet of frogs” shut down a major highway in Greece for two hours. And no, Andy Dick has not taken a European vacation.
Recently fired Cleveland Cavaliers coach Mike Brown thanked the team for letting him coach there the last 5 years. Strangely enough, LeBron James said the exact same thing.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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