"I Thought They Were Volunteers"

A fan ran on the field during Super Bowl LV. The fan on the field got more rushing yards than the whole Chiefs offense.

Native American activists are protesting the nickname "Chiefs". It's part of their unprecedented movement to have two NFL franchises with the nickname "Football Team".

The Weeknd is promising a PG-rated halftime performance at the Super Bowl. This means Disney is going to come in and draw a cloud in the background that looks like a dick.

Marilyn Manson has been accused of abuse by several ex-girlfriends. In response to the allegations, he said, "Who am I to disagree?"

Poet Amanda Gorman recited and read a poem at the Super Bowl. This has upset many conservatives, mainly because she knows how to read and they don't.

Seattle Seahawks player Chad Wheeler was accused of abusing his girlfriend and making her bow to him. That's crazy. There's a Seattle Seahawks player that wants his significant other to bow to him and it's NOT Russell Wilson?

Singer Trey Songz reportedly assaulted a police officer at a Chiefs game. It was the first time he's had a hit in five years.

On his first day in office, President Biden undid Trump's policies on covid. It was a weird way to find out that Trump had policies on covid. 

Donald Trump left the White House while YMCA was playing. It was incredibly ironic considering he never put his pride on the shelf. 

University of Tennessee football players were reportedly paid improper benefits to play football there. It's crazy, because this whole time, I thought they were Volunteers. 

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter over harassment allegations. This is despite the fact that he acquired SS Francisco Lindor for prospects and 55 "Hey beautiful" messages to be sent later.

An NFL game aired on Nickelodeon. It's excellent for children who want to experience the excitement and thrill of hearing a player say the n-word on the hot mic. 

Donald Trump has been banned from Pinterest. It means he'll have to find a new website to look for the best well done steak with ketchup recipes.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. Thin people everywhere celebrate by drinking Diet Coke.

Donald Trump was banned from Twitter. It sucks that Trump got banned from Twitter before he got caught accidentally sending out a picture of his dick to Ivanka. 

Several Donald Trump supporters stormed and vandalized the Capitol Building. In response, Trump mistakenly ordered the National Guard to Capitol Garden and Lawn Care.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick tested positive for COVID-19, a disease that can spread by way of close contact with another person's face. This means that the hands of all Raiders defensive linemen must quarantine for two weeks.

Well, that's all I have for right now. It's been a brutal quarantine, and it was a rough 2020 for a lot of people, myself included. I haven't been doing standup as much as I would've liked to (partly because it's all been shut down, which has put a massive dagger in my plans for the year. I'm essentially doing maybe one or two sets a month maximum, but I'm still writing, which is good.

After quarantine, I plan to hit the ground running with standup comedy. I have a bunch of new material in the bank, I want to start trying to achieve my goal of becoming a feature act down the line, and I want to go to places I've never been before, and returning to places I've already been. And who knows - I may want to move out of the city (it's been on my mind for AWHILE).

Stay tuned for more dick jokes, y'all. 

"The Fire And The Baby"

The Washington Football Team released Dwayne Haskins. They fired him so quickly, I almost mistook him for one of their reporters who spoke up about the team's sexual harassment.

Lori Loughlin has been released from prison after two months. She is now expected to serve as the backup QB for the Washington Football Team.

Washington QB Dwayne Haskins was caught going to a strip club and partying without a mask. People knew it was him when the dollar bills he threw at the strippers were intercepted by other club goers.

Creed singer Scott Stapp will portray Frank Sinatra in an upcoming movie. Because of the role, Frank's new nickname will be "Ol' Bloodshot Eyes".

The COVID vaccine will first go to people who are considered at risk of getting sick. This means it will go to health care workers, the elderly, and people who have seen Alex Schubert do comedy.

The Cleveland Indians are getting a new name. If the Cleveland Indians wanted to remove the most degrading part of their name, they'd have to move to a new city. 

The NY Jets fired DC Gregg Williams. The organization told him, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out", and it didn't hit him, as it had a Jets logo on it. 

Ravens RB Mark Ingram has tested positive for COVID-19. Symptoms have been season-long, as both of them have hardly been able to smell the end zone all year.

A wildfire in California was reportedly started by a gender reveal party. I'm assuming the fire and the baby were both accidents.

An India-based media company alleged that Washington Football Team owner Dan Snyder had ties to Jeffrey Epstein. It was a news story that did damage to Snyder’s reputation and even more damage to Epstein’s.

Donald Trump spread several conspiracy theories about the 2020 election. The election wasn't the first time in 2020 that Donald Trump has poorly handled a spike in numbers.

A woman in Nebraska has been found guilty of killing and dismembering another woman that she met through Tinder. The story has been described as "gruesome, horrific, and the centerpiece for the new marketing campaign for Hinge".

The Tennessee Titans violated COVID protocols numerous times during the 2020 NFL season. The only time the Titans ever cared about social distancing was any time Marcus Mariota was around.

Odell Beckham Jr. reportedly likes women to poop on his chest while having sex with them. Since the women he sleeps with poop on his chest instead of in a toilet, it means that neither OBJ nor the women he sleeps with will ever take the Browns to the Super Bowl.

A rumor has been circulating that Odell Beckham Jr. likes women to take shits on his chest. And yet, that's not half as embarrassing as him having a Browns logo on his chest.

That's all I gots for right now! This is part two of three, so a summation of my quarantine will be up soon.

"A Pepperoni Swastika"

Dwayne Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19. Due to his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Dwayne Johnson can no longer smell what the rock is cookin'.

Donald Trump has said he'll ban TikTok. It's the first time he's ever disapproved of videos of teenage girls.

A Little Caesars in Ohio delivered a pizza with a pepperoni swastika. It was the craziest way to find out that Little Caesars had a delivery option.

Comedian Chris D'Elia has come under fire for texting and sexting underage girls. Considering his unkempt look, this underage sex scandal is the first time I've ever heard of Chris D'Elia doing any grooming.

Reggie Bush came out against paying college athletes. In a related story, "That's like this guy being against this thing" jokes have increased by 86,000%.

The Patriots drafted kicker Justin Rohrwasser, who had white supremacy tattoos on his arm. This was a poor decision by the Patriots, as all his kicks will end up going far-right.

The NFL Draft will be held virtually and in quarantine due to coronavirus. To make him feel like he's actually at the NFL Draft, Roger Goodell will have his family boo him while he announces picks.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

The Library of Congress honored The Village People. It marked the first time in history that Washington DC has ever done something nice for a Native American.

That's all I have for now! This is a three part post, so more coming soon.  

"COVID-61"

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.

Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.

New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.

Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”

A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?

Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.

The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.

A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.

A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.

The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.

Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.

An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.

The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.

Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.

One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.

"Leave Room For The Holy Spirit"

Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.

A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.

Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.

Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.

Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.

Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."

A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.

The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.

A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.

Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.

The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.

Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.

The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.

Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."

Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!

"Haaave Mercyyyy"

The LA Lakers honored Kobe Bryant's career with a 24.2-second moment of silence. Thankfully, their previous plans to honor his scoring ability with a 33,643-second moment of silence were scrapped at the last minute.

Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.

The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.

The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.

A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.

Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".

A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.

The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”

Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.

An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.

The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.

Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.

The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.

The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.

That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.

More jokes coming at the end of the month!

"Quite the Snatch"

A new vaccine is being developed to fight Alzheimer’s disease, and could be on the market soon after successful tests on mice. After the tests on mice brains, they plan to test the vaccine on people with equally sized brains: anti-vaxxers.

Dr. Phil is selling his Beverly Hills home for $5.75 million dollars, and the home includes a staircase that’s covered in metallic snakes. Man, if Dr. Phil wanted to decorate his staircase with things that hiss loudly and scare anyone that comes near it, he should’ve just decorated it with pictures of himself.

Allee Willis, who co-wrote the theme song for Friends, has died at the age of 72. After her funeral, the cast of the show will gather by a fountain and give her a four-clap salute.

The Houston Texans defeated the Buffalo Bills 22-19 in overtime in the first round of the playoffs. After the game winning field goal, a jubilant Will Fuller engaged in a celebration where he jumped up and down, during which he tore both of his ACLs.

A National Security Analyst referred to Donald Trump's threatening tweets regarding retaliation against Iran as "preschool-level deterrence". This is due to him blaming his decision to strike Iran on Dopey Dora the Explorer and Crooked Elmo.

A report says some men sleep with their long distance girlfriends over video chat to keep them company. Though the hardest part of this for the men is making sure the camera shot doesn't show the other girl in their beds.

An Instagram model sold nude pictures to anyone who donated at least $10 to the relief efforts of the Australian wildfires. Not to be outdone, the bunnies in the Playboy Mansion just released a rendition of “We Are The World”.

Amazon mistakenly shipped a man a waffle iron with an old waffle still inside. If anything, I'm just glad they didn't ship him a coffin.

A report says that electronic scooter injuries have jumped 222% in the last four years. Upon hearing the news from the researchers, angry scooter riders who want to continue their hobby put up their middle fingers at them, which wasn't the only time that they had flipped a Bird.

The Ohio medical marijuana board is considering making “being a Bengals fan” a qualifying condition for obtaining medical marijuana. The best part of this is, if it’s accepted, the cashier at each dispensary will put the marijuana products in paper bags, and follow that up by cutting eye holes in the bags so Bengals fans can wear them to games.

Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina-scented candle that sold out in stores almost immediately. Man, it must have been quite the snatch.

The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Houston Texans 51-31 in their playoff matchup. The Texans defense got torn up so badly, I almost mistook it for Will Fuller’s ACL.

January 13th's TV options included the NCAA football national championship and the Bachelor. It was an epic night of TV that featured a bunch of people pursuing the same dude, and the Bachelor.

Former President George W. Bush once allegedly described rapper Eminem as “The biggest threat to American youth since polio”. And if polio was still a thing, it would make it impossible for the real Slim Shady to stand up.

NASA says smoke from the Australia bush fires will travel around the world. This is unique, as people finally get to see a disaster go on a world tour without having to purchase a ticket that says "Limp Bizkit" on it.

Well, that's part one of 24 of my yearly project to write a monologue joke every single day. I enjoy this exercise, as it takes me back to my roots of being a comedian. I've had this blog for over ten years now, and I feel like some people would be shocked and/or concerned to hear the fact that I still run this SOB. But yes. I've managed to write a joke every day so far this year. It keeps my comedy brain active, and I'm glad it does, as I want to improve on writing and being a better punchline guy. Thanks for tolerating my BS, and I'll see you at the end of the month!

"Disturbing The Penis"

Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.

Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".

The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.

Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."

Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.

A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.

Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."

The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.

The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.

The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.

The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.

New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.

Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.

Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.

Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.

That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.

Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!

Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!

"Ms. Trial"

The Cincinnati Bengals fired offensive coordinator Ken Zampese. Upon being fired, he drove home during rush hour so he could experience going only 221 yards in 60 minutes one last time.

A report says floodwaters from Hurricane Harvey are a mix of sewage and chemicals. So, in other words, it's only slightly less gross than RC Cola.

The Denver Broncos signed Brock Osweiler. Playing in the thin Denver air will allow his passes to stay in the air long enough for opposing safeties to intercept them.

Pastor Joel Osteen came under fire for closing his church during Hurricane Harvey. I don't know why people were so quick to judge him; maybe he was saving room for 2 of each animal.

Steve Bannon has resigned as White House Chief Strategist. I guess it was his time to pass the tiki torch on to someone else.

Donald Trump reportedly called the White House "a real dump". If he really thinks that, then he should put someone he doesn't like in there. You know, like Hillary Clinton.

Singer Camila Cabello said Nickelback is her guilty pleasure. This proves once and for all that she is out of her head, she is out of her mind.

Shia LaBeouf was arrested for public drunkenness. Police became suspicious when he took off his "I'm not famous anymore" bag and puked in it.

Chris Christie closed a beach so he could go alone with his family. And I don't blame him; the ocean is the only thing that will wave at him without also flipping him off.

Donald Trump is showing signs of anger and weight gain. This should upset his supporters since those are symptoms of being Rosie O'Donnell.

Derek Carr signed a 5year, $125 million contract with the Raiders. To put that in perspective, that's $1.56m per start or $50 every time a Raiders fan flips him off.

Jurors declared a mistrial in the Bill Cosby sexual assault case. To which Cosby said, "Who is this Ms. Trial you speak of? Is she cute?"

Kathy Griffin came under fire for holding a fake Donald Trump severed head during a photo shoot. That photo shoot was so tasteless and unbearable to watch that I almost mistook it for one of her HBO specials.

A Marlins fan tried to distract Cardinals P Brett Cecil by exposing her breasts. This proves once and for all that not all heroes wear shirts.

President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. He'll be replaced by the winner of a nationwide "Lock Her Up!" shouting contest.

That's all I got for right now. Well, folks, I got in a gnarly car accident recently. I'm not gonna go into deets, but everyone involved will be okay, and everyone involved is extremely lucky to be alive. Other than that, there's not much to report on in the Schub front. When there is, I'll let ya know. More jokes coming soon!

"Ivanka Trump's Clothing Line"

Former Florida Gator Aaron Hernandez died in prison at the age of 27. And yet he still has a better chance of making it to the MLB than Tim Tebow.

ESPN has laid off a big portion of its on air talent, including football analyst Trent Dilfer. Now, "Dilfer Dimes" will refer to the coins in a cup that's next to an "Anything helps, God bless" sign.

A scorpion stung a man on a United flight to Calgary. There were many doctors on board who could help, but they were too afraid to speak up.

The US recently dropped the "Mother of all Bombs" on an ISIS facility in Afghanistan. If Donald Trump took credit for this bombing, it would be the first time that any of his bombs didn't file for Chapter 11 Bankruptcy.

Due to all of Donald Trump's controversial remarks, Nordstrom dropped Ivanka Trump's clothing line. This is the first time Donald Trump has ever been mad that his daughter's clothes were removed.

Pepsi has come under fire for a controversial commercial featuring Kendall Jenner. We know Pepsi screwed up with the commercial because hiring Kendall Jenner as an actress was only their second worst judgment call.

The Kansas City Chiefs have released Jamaal Charles. He is the Chiefs' all time leader with 7,260 yards driven off the field on the back of a cart.

Cavaliers PG Kyrie Irving has come under fire for believing in the flat earth theory. It's strange that people responded to this by saying he should've stayed in college as if the Earth being round is something you learn in your junior year.

In the Super Bowl, the Falcons halftime lead against the Patriots was 28-3. The Patriots 1st half was so bad, the girl on Tinder who banged Julian Edelman called him to say she just likes him as a friend.

The Houston Rockets retired Yao Ming's jersey. He's the first player in NBA history to be tall enough to hang his own jersey in the rafters.

LB Jamie Collins signed a 4-year contract with the Browns. This means he'll be the newest player to have fans regularly tear his jersey in half.

Singer Makonnen came out as gay. Upon hearing this, VP Mike Pence proposed a constitutional amendment that bans nightclubs from being open on Tuesdays.

That's all I have for right now! Nothing to talk about now. Same shit, different day. Just trying to make it at my new internship and trying to deal with all the stress that comes with it. I'll be back a few months from now with more jokes!

"Thou Shalt Commit Adultery"

Donald Trump has been elected President of the United States. It's already improving the economy, as cyanide and Kool-Aid sales have skyrocketed.

Donald Trump came under fire for saying that he likes to "grab women by the pussy". If that comment taught me anything about Donald Trump, it's that he sucks at foreplay.

3 Doors Down is playing at Donald Trump's Inauguration. They've gone crazy, which begs the question: will you still call them Superman?

Joe Biden received an honorary Presidential Medal of Freedom. He was very disappointed when he found out it didn't have chocolate in the center.

Bengals HC Marvin Lewis may stop coaching after 2016. This is strange, because he usually stops coaching during the first round of the playoffs.

Alan Thicke has died at the age of 74. This means that in five months, Robin Thicke will release an album trying to bring him back to life.

During a TD celebration, Cowboys RB Ezekiel Elliott jumped in a Salvation Army kettle. Oh sure when he does it it's fine, but when I do it people "frantically search for a lid to trap me in".

Donald Trump has been selecting members of his cabinet, and his choices have been very controversial. But to his credit, it's the first time he's had a cabinet that wasn't full of stuff made in China.

The Bengals have released K Mike Nugent. He kicked himself to the curb, which proved the Bengals right because he was aiming for the sidewalk.

Old tablets with the Ten Commandments on them are up for auction in Beverly Hills. This is ironic since Beverly Hills' official slogan is "Thou shalt commit adultery".

Tila Tequila has been kicked off of Twitter for supporting Nazism. The only thing crazier than the fact that Tila Tequila is a Nazi is the fact that I'm saying any of those words in 2016.

Donald Trump's national security advisor said that "Islam is like cancer". That makes no sense, because Islam has never inspired me to run a 5k.

The Chinese media is praising Donald Trump for his "experience and ideology". Wow, he's even outsourcing his compliments to China.

Universal is opening a Jimmy Fallon themed ride. The one catch: instead of putting your hands in the air, you put them in Donald Trump's hair.

The Chicago Cubs won the 2016 World Series. It's crazy to think that the last time the Chicago Cubs were World Series champions, David Ross was just 13 years old.

Vine is shutting down. This means that Vine stars will have to resort to YouTube to show people how painfully unfunny they are.

RB Arian Foster is walking away from football. In typical Arian Foster fashion, he's doing so on one leg while being assisted by a coach and a trainer.

Legendary golfer Arnold Palmer has died at the age of 87. Due to his death, other caskets will put a nickel on the ground so they don't lose their burial plot.

Well, that's it for right now. So I forgot to post on New Year's Eve, so I figured I'd make up for it by posting on the final day of Barack Obama's presidency (which, in all honesty, flew the fuck by). Anyway, 2016 was the craziest year of my life. I hit even more milestones, met a bunch of new people, worked a couple of killer weekends at Go Bananas, and, unfortunately had my driver's license suspended (I'm in the clear now). I'm expecting even crazier things to happen in 2017, and so far it hasn't disappointed, as I have already changed my so-called iconic Twitter handle (I'm now @bigschubes), met new friends and worked an amazing weekend at Go Bananas. If I interacted with you at all in 2016, thank you for being a part of it. I love you and you're the best. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Some Dude In A Tie"

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. This has proved extremely controversial, but his approval rating is still 100% among opposing defensive backs.

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. However, I expect him to stand during the national anthem from now on, mainly because you can't sit down on the job while waiting tables.

Ryan Lochte signed a sponsorship deal with a cough drop company. It makes sense since he has a sore throat from putting his foot in his mouth.

Former No. 1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown is attempting an NBA comeback. This is according to his new agency, the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Cleveland Browns named Robert Griffin III their week 1 starting quarterback. As a result, Cleveland gym memberships increased by 97% so Browns fans can be in shape when they run RGIII out of town by Week 5.

Donald Trump selected Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. In other words, a guy who based his campaign on the "I'm not just another politician" platform selected a politician as his running mate.

Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. The full details of the trade: the New York Knicks traded three players to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose and 17 doctors to be named later.

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. After they won the title, rioters in Cleveland caused $10 million in improvements.

Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. "This is really exciting and a big day," said what I am assuming is some dude in a tie.

Tony Romo said "I have 4 seasons left in me". Any football fan knows that those seasons are Summer 2016, Fall 2016, Winter 2016 and Spring 2017.

A study said Javier Bardem's character in “No Country For Old Men” is the most realistic film psychopath. A close second: anyone who paid to see Zoolander 2.

Basketball coach Bobby Knight has endorsed Donald Trump. This is mainly because of Trump's campaign promise to throw a chair at ISIS headquarters.

Jerry Springer said that Donald Trump will not be President. This upset Donald Trump voters, most of whom have been guests on the Jerry Springer show.

That's all I have for right now! The sports world has been bananas over the past few months, which probably explains my influx of sports jokes. The world around us is not any less crazy by any means, and my world has just started to get as crazy as it could possibly get. I graduated college, I've been working like crazy, I've progressed as a joke writer, and I took a giant step into manhood (yeah, that one). It's been a crazy ride, but we've only just started the car. But I can't drive that car because my driver's license was suspended until January 1st. Unless it's for work, I'm screwed.

Anyway, I'll have more monologue jokes on New Year's Eve where I'll reflect on the life changing year that has been 2016. LEGGO!!!!!!

"Hangover-Free Alcohol"

Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79. It's a shame that Antonin Scalia died before he could witness the hurricane that God caused as a result of legalized gay marriage.

Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.

Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.

Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.

Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.

A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.

Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.

Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.

Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.

An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?

Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.

North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".

Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.

Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!

By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.

"The Building Full Of Expensive Meat"

The voice of Tony the Tiger has died at 64. He had esophageal cancer, which was apparently severe enough to send him to his grrrrrrave.

Rob Schneider says America is heading towards fascism. Even worse, America is also heading towards another Rob Schneider movie.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned from the NBA for life. He was punished by having to spend the rest of his life at home with his 2 billion dollars.

An analyst says the world could have its first trillionaire soon. That trillionaire is me; I'm close to 1 trillion rejections by cute girls.

Donald Trump wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Yep, the New York fixture known for disappointing its fans wants to buy the Buffalo Bills.

Kim Kardashian got ten Burger King restaurants as a gift from Kanye West. Yep, the building full of expensive meat got ten Burger Kings as a gift from Kanye West.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry about my lack of topical jokes right now. I know I've had two months to write these, but. I've just been on a bit writing spree. Whether those bits work out is totally my call; I really need to work on them. I'm doing my best to write topical jokes. Anyway, I'm coming up on five years in comedy (a little over two of them have been behind the mic), and I plan to write a review as to my experiences and what I've learned. Anyway, more coming later!

"Descended From King Tut"

A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.

Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.

A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.

A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.

Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.

The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.

A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.

A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.

A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.

A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Assaulting A Hotel Maid"

Osama bin Laden’s estate had porn, Viagra, and marijuana. Oh wait, never mind. That was Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

Phoenix Suns president and CEO Rick Welts says he is gay. That explains why all the players on the Suns are expert ball-handlers.

NFL receiver Chad Ochocinco lasted only 1.5 seconds while riding a professional rodeo bull. Really? I thought he would have lasted at least 8.5 seconds (think about it).

Mike Huckabee decided not to run for President because "his heart said no". Donald Trump would have said the same thing, but he doesn't have a heart.

The head of the International Monetary Fund was arrested on charges of assaulting a hotel maid. As he was walking to court, he was mistaken for Ben Roethlisberger.

Apple is offering an app for iPhones that can help find hookers. It's called a map of Las Vegas.

A study says that knowledge of grammar is hardwired into the human brain. It sure is, ain't it?

Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the afterlife is "a fairy story". Just like him walking and talking like a normal human being.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Confirmed Dead"

Osama bin Laden has been confirmed dead. Hey Osama, it's too bad those 72 virgins aren't in hell.

Sunday, May 1st, was Lei Day and May Day. In other news, May 2nd was Nay Day.

President Obama told jokes about Donald Trump at the annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. My personal favorite was, "We found Osama, the man who does the worst work in the world. In a close second, Donald Trump's barber."

Singer Mariah Carey delivered twins Saturday, a boy and a girl. They were beautiful twins that weigh 7 pounds, 9 ounces. But enough about her breasts...

The Post Office has been approved to start selling gift cards. This is great news for both of the Post Office's regular customers.

When talking about Osama Bin Laden's death, Rush Limbaugh said, "Thank God for President Obama". He added, "And also, Alex Schubert is the world's funniest human being".

Investigators say that Apple’s Chinese workers are being treated inhumanely like machines. What? Is time-out too long?

"Cheery People"

A Florida agency is being investigated for spending thousands of dollars to buy superhero capes to give to the unemployed. And I'm gonna go out on a limb and say these people are also unmarried.

Donald Trump says he will bring fun back to the nation’s capital if he is elected President. First, Gary Busey says that he'll make a great president, and now this. Is he funding the attack ads against him or something?

Cincinnati Reds pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw a pitch against the Pirates that was measured at 106 mph. It went by faster than the Pirates' chances at the playoffs.

Some more recent controversy in the air traffic control tower has arisen. Right before he got on the walkie talkie, an air traffic controllers was heard saying, "Hey guys, watch this".

An eight decade long study says that cheery people die sooner. Cheery people that heard this are no longer cheery.

A new British beer will contain Viagra. The name of the beer: Mike's Hard.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Airplane Restrooms"

Donald Trump says he is serious about a run for President in 2012. Hey, Sarah Palin may have a shot now.

A California home was found to have 110 cats living with the owners in a 900 square foot space. Middle-aged single women everywhere are thinking, "That's it?".

GM financial chief Chris Liddell has resigned after about a year on the job. The financial chief for GM was about as successful last year as the gas pedal inspector for Toyota.

The FAA says that emergency oxygen will no longer be available in airplane restrooms. It's alright; most people hold their breath in airplane restrooms anyway.

A study identifies the top ten habits that will kill a relationship. Number one: telling people you used to be on Two and a Half Men.

A Chicago marathon runner is training for a race later this month by eating all his meals at McDonald’s. He already has a spot on his mantle for his last place trophy.

Women who drink a daily dose of coffee have a lower risk of stroke. I guess Grandma is healthier than you thought.

Coffee prices are soaring as the climate in South America is warming and hurting crops. You know what Starbucks calls soaring coffee prices? Business as usual.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Free Condoms"

Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.

McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?

New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".

An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.

Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?

A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.

Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.

An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.

Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?

O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.

Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!