A Phoenix suburb is experimenting with using dog poop as a power source. Of course, they're going to get it from the number one place that it exists: the bottoms of people's shoes.
LeBron James' popularity is at an all time low. To give you an idea of how low it is, even President Obama is laughing at him.
"Celebrity Rehab" star Kari Ann Peniche says she is pregnant and divorcing, with her husband claiming the child isn't his. This has "Maury Povich" written all over it.
Casey Anthony refused a jail visit from her mother. When Casey Anthony doesn't like you as a mother, you're probably doing something wrong.
Research says that people with wide faces are more likely to cheat and lie. And after years of watching Family Guy, they are more likely to want to achieve world domination.
The bikini has turned 65 years old. Hopefully the first one purchased isn't still in use by the same person.
A study says that schools that give report cards about kids' weight made no difference in the problem. In fact, the overweight boys have D's. Oh, and their report cards aren't so hot, either.
Albertson's grocery stores are doing away with their self checkout lines. This would be a bigger news story if they had more than four customers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Family Guy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Family Guy. Show all posts
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Monday, April 4, 2011
"A Bookless Library"
President Obama said that he is officially running for President in 2012. Obama is hoping that Oprah endorses him again, and he hopes that his opponent is Sarah Palin.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Charlie Sheen was booed off the stage in Detroit at the opening of his 20-city “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour. He wasn't even on the stage for Two and a Half Seconds.
Oakland Raiders receiver Louis Murphy was arrested on Sunday morning for possession of Viagra without a valid prescription. For something like this, I would expect some very stiff penalties.
Newport Beach, California is considering a bookless library. Maybe these city officials should get a dictionary and look up the word "library".
Florida lawmakers are considering a plan that would allow NASCAR fans to have their urns placed at Daytona International Speedway after they are cremated. All the graves will be marked "Yeah, I'm officially a redneck".
A new study says that cases of "flattened head" babies are on the rise. No, that evil baby genius from Family Guy doesn't count.
Texas Instruments Inc. is buying National Semiconductor for $6.5 billion in a marriage of two of the world's premier makers of analog chips. If you got excited about this news story, you're probably single.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
*This post is dedicated to Karen Barach, the late wife of my comedy writing friend Jim Barach. She died early this morning. Best wishes to the Barach family.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Four Feet Long"
Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Saturday, May 1, 2010
"Like Nazi Germany"
Joke of the Day: Brett Favre says his injured ankle is not the number one factor in his decision for next year. The deciding factor will be whether or not he has the ability to even make a decision.
A majority of people in Arizona say they feel the new immigration law will reduce crime. At least, the Mexican crime rate.
“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane says the Arizona immigration law is like Nazi Germany. Now I'm just waiting for a flashback to prove his point.
A study says that six in ten Americans live where air pollution is at dangerous levels. The other four have decided to move out of Los Angeles.
Denver voters will go to the polls to say if they think the government has covered up the existence of aliens. I say yes. The last time people in Colorado saw a UFO, the government said that a six-year old boy was inside.
A new study says that nasal spray can make men more empathetic. The same study says that the use of nasal spray in public can make men look more pathetic.
Teen sensation Justin Bieber says that had he not become famous already, he would have tried out for “American Idol.” If that were the case, he would have to wait 12 years until he was old enough.
A new study says that frogs can be similar to humans. Especially when a princess kisses one.
Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik says Tiger Woods is not welcome at his house. Why would Tiger go to Jesper's house? After all, Tiger does have millions of dollars.
The Washington Nationals are going to promote Stephen Strasburg from Double-A to Triple-A. In other words, welcome to the Washington Nationals!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A majority of people in Arizona say they feel the new immigration law will reduce crime. At least, the Mexican crime rate.
“Family Guy” creator Seth MacFarlane says the Arizona immigration law is like Nazi Germany. Now I'm just waiting for a flashback to prove his point.
A study says that six in ten Americans live where air pollution is at dangerous levels. The other four have decided to move out of Los Angeles.
Denver voters will go to the polls to say if they think the government has covered up the existence of aliens. I say yes. The last time people in Colorado saw a UFO, the government said that a six-year old boy was inside.
A new study says that nasal spray can make men more empathetic. The same study says that the use of nasal spray in public can make men look more pathetic.
Teen sensation Justin Bieber says that had he not become famous already, he would have tried out for “American Idol.” If that were the case, he would have to wait 12 years until he was old enough.
A new study says that frogs can be similar to humans. Especially when a princess kisses one.
Swedish golfer Jesper Parnevik says Tiger Woods is not welcome at his house. Why would Tiger go to Jesper's house? After all, Tiger does have millions of dollars.
The Washington Nationals are going to promote Stephen Strasburg from Double-A to Triple-A. In other words, welcome to the Washington Nationals!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, March 5, 2010
"A Tax On Clothing"
A study says that baseball players are getting fatter, with 55% of major leaguers at least borderline overweight. This was discovered when people realized that baseball barely involves any physical activity.
The Center for Disease Control says that home births are on the rise. Does this mean that being born at home is a disease?
A study says that obesity and depression are interrelated. That's because tons of people are depressed about being fat.
A candidate for Governor of Minnesota is calling for a tax on clothing. Considering how cold it is in Minnesota, this person will get all of zero votes.
American Airlines flight attendants are threatening to go on strike. They are ticked off because the pilots are hogging all the alcohol.
China says it expects its economy to grow 8% this year. Now, China will have enough money to invest in more lead.
The American Cancer Society says some of the traditional tests for prostate cancer may not be necessary. I guess somebody just realized what a prostate exam consists of.
Appearing on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Brett Favre said he was not certain he’d be back next season. This is the world's greatest example of history repeating itself.
Olympic gold medalist Lindsay Vonn will soon appear on boxes of Wheaties. Wheaties - the Breakfast of Champions (of Wipeout).
Police said a cook put a body hair in the bagel sandwich of a police officer who had given him tickets in the past. This is actually a valuable lesson to us all. Never get any ideas from Family Guy.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
The Center for Disease Control says that home births are on the rise. Does this mean that being born at home is a disease?
A study says that obesity and depression are interrelated. That's because tons of people are depressed about being fat.
A candidate for Governor of Minnesota is calling for a tax on clothing. Considering how cold it is in Minnesota, this person will get all of zero votes.
American Airlines flight attendants are threatening to go on strike. They are ticked off because the pilots are hogging all the alcohol.
China says it expects its economy to grow 8% this year. Now, China will have enough money to invest in more lead.
The American Cancer Society says some of the traditional tests for prostate cancer may not be necessary. I guess somebody just realized what a prostate exam consists of.
Appearing on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno, Brett Favre said he was not certain he’d be back next season. This is the world's greatest example of history repeating itself.
Olympic gold medalist Lindsay Vonn will soon appear on boxes of Wheaties. Wheaties - the Breakfast of Champions (of Wipeout).
Police said a cook put a body hair in the bagel sandwich of a police officer who had given him tickets in the past. This is actually a valuable lesson to us all. Never get any ideas from Family Guy.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
"The Mark McGwire Highway"
Fox is leading all other networks with indecency complaints to the FCC. Sadly, it only took Family Guy to put them at the top.
The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.
The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.
A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.
The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?
Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.
80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?
More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.
Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.
The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.
People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.
New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.
General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.
That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!
The Missouri State Senate has voted to change the name of the Mark McGwire Highway. I guess Missouri wants a highway that can take them to Cooperstown, New York.
The main runway at JFK Airport in New York will be shut down for the next four months. Northwest Airlines will probably not notice a difference.
A survey says that 26% of Americans get their news over the phone. While driving.
The suit that OJ Simpson was wearing the day he was acquitted of murder will be donated to the Smithsonian Museum. That's a terrible idea. Remember what happened the last time something of OJ's was memorabilia?
Laura Bush will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
Happy Birthday wishes to former Soviet political leader Mikhail Gorbachev, who turns 79 years old on Tuesday. When the cake was in front of him, he made a wish and blew out the Berlin Wall.
80-year old Apollo 11 astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be a contestant this season on Dancing With The Stars. After all, who better to be a contestant on Dancing With The Stars than an astronaut who has literally danced with the stars?
More states are looking to ban credit checks on job applicants. I've got ten bucks saying that all those states still can't say "Free Triple Score" three times fast.
Americans' reliance on the government is at an all-time high. This is really hard to believe, especially considering the fact that our government is at an all-time low.
The massive 8.8 earthquake that struck Chile may have changed the entire Earth's rotation and shortened the length of days on our planet, a NASA scientist said Monday. However, that statistic was canceled out when all those newscasts about the earthquake took forever.
People who say their lives have a purpose are less likely to develop Alzheimer's disease, a new study suggests. Look on the bright side. If you don't have a purposeful life, Alzheimer's will help people forget it all.
New research says that New York's poorest citizens are becoming more obese. That's because they can only afford to live off the McDonald's Dollar Menu.
Tiger Woods is back home after a week of family counseling in Arizona and is trying to get back into a routine that includes fitness and his first significant practice in 15 weeks. He also plans to get his golf game back to the way it was before.
General Motors announced a recall of 1.3 million vehicles due to failing power steering motors. In an unrelated story, Toyota has interest in merging with GM.
That's it for right now! Thanks for the support, and I look to improve tomorrow!
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