Tonight was Barack Obama's State of the Union Address. It was amazing how he turned "We're screwed" into a two hour speech.
President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".
Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.
When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?
President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.
Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.
President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.
President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.
President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.
President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?
President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?
President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.
President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.
President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?
President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.
President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.
President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.
President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.
President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.
President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...
President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.
President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.
President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.
President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.
President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.
President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.
President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".
President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.
President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.
President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.
President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.
President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.
President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.
President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.
President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.
President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.
President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?
President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.
President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.
President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".
President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.
President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.
President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.
President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".
There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.
Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Monologue Jokes Special. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Monologue Jokes Special. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Top Ten Funniest Jokes Of June
NUMBER TEN
A dating site called "cupidtino" finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
NUMBER NINE
The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have fewer hits than a tennis racket with no strings.
NUMBER EIGHT
The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?
NUMBER SEVEN
A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.
NUMBER SIX
Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".
NUMBER FIVE
Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.
NUMBER FOUR
The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
NUMBER THREE
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
NUMBER TWO
British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.
AND FINALLY, THE UNDISPUTED BEST JOKE FROM THE MONTH OF JUNE
June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.
A dating site called "cupidtino" finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
NUMBER NINE
The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have fewer hits than a tennis racket with no strings.
NUMBER EIGHT
The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?
NUMBER SEVEN
A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.
NUMBER SIX
Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".
NUMBER FIVE
Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.
NUMBER FOUR
The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
NUMBER THREE
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
NUMBER TWO
British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.
AND FINALLY, THE UNDISPUTED BEST JOKE FROM THE MONTH OF JUNE
June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The Best of April 2010
Joke of the Month: Kirstie Alley has confirmed that her 17-year-old son is engaged to be married. This wedding is expected to break a world record. The world's fastest eaten wedding cake.
What does FOX News call President Obama's teleprompter? Mechanical bull.
A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.
The Pittsburgh Steelers have found a new way to help their players try hard in practice. They have given all their tackle dummies blonde wigs.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.
Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.
Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.
Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".
President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.
A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.
What does FOX News call President Obama's teleprompter? Mechanical bull.
A 17-year-old Utah boy mowing the lawn at his home in Hooper ran into a canister of TNT that may date back as far as World War II. The first people on the scene were the boy's dad and five moms.
The Pittsburgh Steelers have found a new way to help their players try hard in practice. They have given all their tackle dummies blonde wigs.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.
Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".
Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee says the effort to allow gays and lesbians to marry is like allowing incest, polygamy, and drug use. So basically he compared the gay marriage issue to Alabama, Utah, and California.
Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.
Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".
President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.
A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
My Ten Best Jokes Of All Time!
NUMBER TEN
Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton”
NUMBER NINE
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
NUMBER EIGHT
Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.
NUMBER SEVEN
President Barack Obama on Tuesday unveiled a $12 billion plan to help community colleges prepare millions of people for a new generation of jobs. I like Obama’s idea — pizzas don’t deliver themselves.
NUMBER SIX
In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President.
NUMBER FIVE
A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.
NUMBER FOUR
Miley Cyrus was recently a voice trainer on "American Idol". Isn't that kind of like Oprah being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser"?
NUMBER THREE
President Obama and his family went to see the movie “Avatar” in 3-D on New Year’s Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it’s like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.
NUMBER TWO
Laura Bush says that she will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
AND FINALLY, MY BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME
The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, says domestic violence is increasing because of United States joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.
Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton”
NUMBER NINE
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
NUMBER EIGHT
Second-degree burglary charges have been filed against an Ames man who broke into a church where he allegedly used the institution's electronic equipment to watch pornography. The scary thing about all this: he didn't need the Internet.
NUMBER SEVEN
President Barack Obama on Tuesday unveiled a $12 billion plan to help community colleges prepare millions of people for a new generation of jobs. I like Obama’s idea — pizzas don’t deliver themselves.
NUMBER SIX
In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President.
NUMBER FIVE
A study says that babies respond to the rhythm and tempo of music. This study was conducted at a Justin Bieber concert.
NUMBER FOUR
Miley Cyrus was recently a voice trainer on "American Idol". Isn't that kind of like Oprah being a trainer on "The Biggest Loser"?
NUMBER THREE
President Obama and his family went to see the movie “Avatar” in 3-D on New Year’s Eve. I guess Obama wants to know what it’s like for something with a really expensive budget to actually have success.
NUMBER TWO
Laura Bush says that she will release her autobiography in early May. This has concerned former President Bush. He still doesn't know who wrote it.
AND FINALLY, MY BEST JOKE OF ALL TIME
The Senate majority leader, Harry Reid, says domestic violence is increasing because of United States joblessness. However, if you are Charlie Sheen, joblessness is increasing because of domestic violence.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The best of Schub's Jokes from January 2-24, 2010
Sorry I missed so much. Here are the best of my jokes from those days!
Ever since the news has spread about all these pilots crashing planes, you would expect al-Qaeda to start sending scouts. - From January 2
The Oakland Raiders are reportedly going to fire head coach Tom Cable soon. This really shows how bad Tom Cable is. He isn't even good enough for the Oakland Raiders. - From January 4
Rosie O' Donnell is calling her relationship with new girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders "delicious". Have you seen Rosie O' Donnell lately? What hasn't she called delicious? - From January 5
Avatar has officially made over a billion dollars at the box office. People have paid a billion dollars in tickets to watch a human live in an artificial body. Before this movie came out, we used to call that Major League Baseball. - From January 6
Osama Bin Laden's son, Omar, revealed in a book that Osama's parenting style was cruel and unusual. Well gee, who could have ever seen THAT coming? - From January 6
Many people are saying that Mariah Carey's recent erratic behavior has been "eyebrow-raising". Even worse for Mariah, one of the people who said that was Nancy Pelosi. - From January 7
The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals in the playoffs on Saturday by a score of 24-14. So Cincinnati isn't going to the Super Bowl? Hey, at least Cincinnati doesn't have to deal with The Who again. - From January 10
Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton” - From January 10
President Obama announced a $250 million initiative to train Math and Science teachers in an effort to raise student scores in those subjects. Or, as math and science teachers are calling it, “Almost a trillion dollars”. - From January 10
A Washington bloodmobile is offering a pint of beer for every pint of blood that they donate. Sounds like the worst drinking game ever. - From January 11
In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President. - From January 12
Former baseball great Mark McGwire has finally admitted that he used steroids off and on for a period of 10 years. In an unrelated story, Sammy Sosa has admitted to using bleach with no off periods for the past year. - From January 12
Rush Limbaugh says that he’s not a racist and that he actually knows two African-Americans very well. We knew that! He talks about one of them on the radio all the time! - From January 12
There have been recent reports of the first Twitter suicide. In fact, the suicide note, the obituary, and the eulogy all had 140 character limits. - From January 13
The feud between two former teammates with this whole steroid thing has gotten out of hand. I'm not sure who to believe: Jose Canfakeo or Mark McLiar. - From January 13
The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Växjö in south central Sweden collapsed on Wednesday night beneath a group of about 20 participants in the weight-loss program. Even more of a reality check for the participants: There was no basement. - From January 14
President Barack Obama on Saturday enlisted the help of his two predecessors, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, to lead a national drive to raise money for earthquake-ravaged Haiti. Obama is calling this Operation "You Guys Sucked Now Redeem Yourself". - From January 16
China is searching for a solution to their problem with Google. I don't think it helped China's cause by searching for the solution with Bing. - From January 17
Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. So the people who are hard to understand when they talk will honor the person who is really hard to understand when she talks. - From January 20
In a recent interview, Brett Favre said that "I really do feel like I have nothing left to prove." Of course, he forgot to mention that he still hasn't proven that he can stay retired. - From January 20
The Hudson River in New York is frozen. People can’t really swim in it, but at least it makes a better runway for Chesley Sullenberger. - From January 21
Shaquille O' Neal recently became the 4th player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in his career, 5 of which were free throws. - From January 21
Jean Simmons, who played opposite Marlon Brando in 'Guys and Dolls', died at the age of 80. However, due to major confusion at the funeral home, she was buried in a KISS casket. - From January 23
A survey says that President Obama is seen as anti-business by 77% of U.S. investors. The other 23% of US investors work for companies that Obama bailed out. - From January 24
Well, there you have it. Sorry I missed so much. I made up for it right there.
Ever since the news has spread about all these pilots crashing planes, you would expect al-Qaeda to start sending scouts. - From January 2
The Oakland Raiders are reportedly going to fire head coach Tom Cable soon. This really shows how bad Tom Cable is. He isn't even good enough for the Oakland Raiders. - From January 4
Rosie O' Donnell is calling her relationship with new girlfriend Tracy Kachtick-Anders "delicious". Have you seen Rosie O' Donnell lately? What hasn't she called delicious? - From January 5
Avatar has officially made over a billion dollars at the box office. People have paid a billion dollars in tickets to watch a human live in an artificial body. Before this movie came out, we used to call that Major League Baseball. - From January 6
Osama Bin Laden's son, Omar, revealed in a book that Osama's parenting style was cruel and unusual. Well gee, who could have ever seen THAT coming? - From January 6
Many people are saying that Mariah Carey's recent erratic behavior has been "eyebrow-raising". Even worse for Mariah, one of the people who said that was Nancy Pelosi. - From January 7
The New York Jets defeated the Cincinnati Bengals in the playoffs on Saturday by a score of 24-14. So Cincinnati isn't going to the Super Bowl? Hey, at least Cincinnati doesn't have to deal with The Who again. - From January 10
Yesterday, a naked jogger was stopped near the White House. To which authorities said, “You aren’t President anymore, Mr. Clinton” - From January 10
President Obama announced a $250 million initiative to train Math and Science teachers in an effort to raise student scores in those subjects. Or, as math and science teachers are calling it, “Almost a trillion dollars”. - From January 10
A Washington bloodmobile is offering a pint of beer for every pint of blood that they donate. Sounds like the worst drinking game ever. - From January 11
In a recent video, John McCain said that he was proud of Sarah Palin. Maybe that's why he isn't President. - From January 12
Former baseball great Mark McGwire has finally admitted that he used steroids off and on for a period of 10 years. In an unrelated story, Sammy Sosa has admitted to using bleach with no off periods for the past year. - From January 12
Rush Limbaugh says that he’s not a racist and that he actually knows two African-Americans very well. We knew that! He talks about one of them on the radio all the time! - From January 12
There have been recent reports of the first Twitter suicide. In fact, the suicide note, the obituary, and the eulogy all had 140 character limits. - From January 13
The feud between two former teammates with this whole steroid thing has gotten out of hand. I'm not sure who to believe: Jose Canfakeo or Mark McLiar. - From January 13
The floor of a Weight Watchers clinic in Växjö in south central Sweden collapsed on Wednesday night beneath a group of about 20 participants in the weight-loss program. Even more of a reality check for the participants: There was no basement. - From January 14
President Barack Obama on Saturday enlisted the help of his two predecessors, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton, to lead a national drive to raise money for earthquake-ravaged Haiti. Obama is calling this Operation "You Guys Sucked Now Redeem Yourself". - From January 16
China is searching for a solution to their problem with Google. I don't think it helped China's cause by searching for the solution with Bing. - From January 17
Sarah Palin will be a VIP honored guest at the Daytona 500. So the people who are hard to understand when they talk will honor the person who is really hard to understand when she talks. - From January 20
In a recent interview, Brett Favre said that "I really do feel like I have nothing left to prove." Of course, he forgot to mention that he still hasn't proven that he can stay retired. - From January 20
The Hudson River in New York is frozen. People can’t really swim in it, but at least it makes a better runway for Chesley Sullenberger. - From January 21
Shaquille O' Neal recently became the 4th player in NBA history to score 28,000 points in his career, 5 of which were free throws. - From January 21
Jean Simmons, who played opposite Marlon Brando in 'Guys and Dolls', died at the age of 80. However, due to major confusion at the funeral home, she was buried in a KISS casket. - From January 23
A survey says that President Obama is seen as anti-business by 77% of U.S. investors. The other 23% of US investors work for companies that Obama bailed out. - From January 24
Well, there you have it. Sorry I missed so much. I made up for it right there.
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